From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Looking at him, her brows rose a bit. Maea did not doubt his words, but.. "You don't really strike me as the overprotective sort," she admitted. "Not considering how quick you were to give me a drumming. Most would say that is the opposite of keeping people safe..." But then again, perhaps she wasn't on that list of people he cared for.
"But... well. As someone who appreciates making their own mistakes, I can assure your attempts to keep hands off are appreciated." She nudged him gently, squeezing his shoulders with a smile. "Can't let the strong hero types be the only ones with interesting scars and stories to tell." And it was clear she counted Loren into this category, no matter what he said about it.
Lost in a world full of non-believers Searching for smoke in a still water pond
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Flushing a bit, Loren gave Maea an equally chagrined and apologetic look. "That's uh...well." He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Despite my best efforts to ah, break free of my conditioning I um, I like...flexing my magic a little too much." His voice was guilty and ashamed, and he took a deep breath to try and calm himself. "But outside of sparring, I can get a little...overbearing." Biting his lip, he studied her features, wondering if she'd understand.
Rubbing a nervous against his thigh, he found himself responding automatically. "I don't have scars and I'm not a hero." It came out swiftly, and certainly. Jaw feathering with awkward tension, he found his foot tapping with anxiety, so much so that Astra bleated and gave him a reproachful look.
It was enough to get him to still. 'I'm trying to get better at that. At...letting them make those mistakes, and just...being supportive no matter what happens." He sighed, and shrugged a little helplessly.
Maea laughed, shaking her head at him. "Don't apologize for that. I did ask for it, and I have to admit I had a lot of fun. I'll be happy to spar like that again any time." Her grin turned slightly wicked, an almost exalted gleam in her eyes as she recalled what it had felt like to cut loose and unleash herself without thought for injuries. Once the shock of actually landing blows had worn off.. oh, it was a thrill!
But no, she still did not entirely see the overbearing part, and her shrug told as much. "Either your protectiveness is far less stifling than you think, or I've just not seen it in action," she said. The only thing that came to mind for her was his telling her to be wary of Sunjata... and he'd certainly backed off there. So.. no, did not fit the bill.
"But don't pretend like you're not powerful. You save lives by healing people... and your scars may not be visible, but they are there all the same. In my eyes at least, that qualify you as a proper hero type." And she looked at him a little smugly, inviting him to disprove her point.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
At Maea's excitement, Loren rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "Really?" It came out hesitantly, and his brow furrowed. "Like I said I'm not sure it's...good to um, encourage my...those tendencies." However, his voice was wavering, as was his conviction.
Then, though, he shook his head a bit sadly. "You've not seen it in action." It came out in a whisper, and he sighed.
He pulled away, removing his arm from her shoulder, clearly deeply uncomfortable with the praise. Fingers drumming a nervous beat against his thigh, he shifted his weight from side to side a bit. "It's not...no. I'm...not that. And there are others who have gone through far worse, and who do far more than the world than I. Who don't get...angry, or distant, or bitter."
He pulled away, and did indeed object, like she thought he might. Maea gave him a look, gaze trailing up and down his figure in an unusually sober way, like she was stripping away whatever lense of goodwill she had - just this once.
"Well. I did say hero, not saint. You have a good amount of flaws, my friend, I'm not trying to deny that. But," she continued, refusing to let go of her own grip on him, "You are not as hopeless as you try to paint yourself out to be either. You said it yourself; not all that bad.
"I know it's hard to see it... but please try to listen when people say good things about you. If you object too much, sooner or later they will stop. And you might never hear it again."
Her tone was gentle though, for all that the words came out a bit harsh, and there was no end to the kindness as she smiled at him. Once she had said her piece however, Maea turned away a little, and let him think on it. Focused her attention on Astra, so as not to crowd the man.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Running both hands through his hair, Loren brought them down to rub his face. Shifting, he gently lifted Astra, who settled onto Maea instead. Then he slid his arms under his knees and pulled them into his chest.
Resting his chin on his knees, he sighed. Not responding to her right away, he stared out at the distant water. When he finally did speak, it was more than a bit ashamed. "It's just...fifteen or so years of torment, of pain, and suffering, and being told how worthless I was...it makes it hard to hear the good things? And believe them?" He found that his foot was tapping the ground anxiously and he frowned. "I just internalized the hopelessness, I guess."
Closing his eyes, he bit his lip. "Again that's...just an excuse."
It was her turn to hug the Luxere close, as Loren deposited Astra in her lap and withdrew into himself. Maea feared she had said too much and was about to apologize when he spoke. And his words were... perhaps not as blackly desperate as she had feared they might be. She sighed, but it was a light one, out of relief more than anything, and her tone lightened when she replied to him.
"Mmh... I'd say it's more of an explanation. If you let your past keep you from changing or moving on, then it will become an excuse. I think it's an important distinction to make." Gazing out over the scenery, she scritched Astra behind the ears with gentle fingers, considering.
"Ludo told me once that change is like a river. Either you are swept away by it, or you learn to go along with it. So far, I'd say you've been knocked out of your boat, run into several rocks and are more than half drowned... and now you are trying to figure out how to swim. Does that sound apt?" Cocking her head to the side, she raised a brow, glancing at him.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Sighing, Loren extracted a hand to run it anxiously through his hair. "Then I've already used it as an excuse." Voice ashamed, expression guilty, he closed his eyes. Biting his lip, he found himself tapping his foot with a nervous energy.
So he forced himself to take deep breaths. To stretch his legs out and place his palms on the ground behind him, leaning back slightly. As Maea began to speak, he opened his eyes and looked at her. Nodding slowly, he smiled sadly. "I don't know how hard I'm trying, to be honest." It came out quietly, and he found himself gazing out at the horizon to avoid her gaze.
Maea did not know what to say. His confessions ran too deep this time, into depths of his soul and self she could not - would not - try to reach. Afraid of what she might find, perhaps. Afraid of becoming too involved. Drowning herself with his pain would not help him, not when he still had to help himself. There were things she could do for him, but... this was not one of them.
"I suppose... you're the only one who can say if it's enough," she admitted. "To me, it does look like you are trying. You keep working. You came with me today, when you could have refused. You look a lot better than before..." Maea shrugged. Knew these things were superficial. They could matter, but might also be mere illusion, to hide the ongoing crisis within.
"Can you think of anything to dream of, if you try? Even if it's crazy and unattainable, unlikely to happen... Do you see anything, if you think of the future?" Stroking Astra, she kept her eyes on the landscape, on the horizon and the ocean glittering in the distance. Even now, from this distance, it made the magic sing in her veins. Like a promise, bringing to mind a house with a blue door, and flowers in the windows.
She didn't even have to close her eyes to see what she dreamed of these days.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Shaking his head, Loren scrubbed his face a bit tiredly. "That's...none of that has ever been the problem." Lowering his hand, he shrugged a bit helplessly. "I'm good at...losing myself in the work, in distractions." Biting his lip, he stared at Maea with sad eyes. "But the...actually dealing with my emotions? My...trauma? In healthy ways?" He sighed, and looked out at the horizon again. "That's always been beyond me."
Letting out a huff of laughter, he smiled sadly. "You wouldn't like my actual dreams." For a moment his eyes grew haunted and he rubbed a nervous hand on his leg. "But...I don't know. I like helping people, still. I'm proud of the work I'm doing as Grand Healer, even if I haven't done much. So just...continuing to serve the people of Halo. To train in my magics and expand my knowledge." He let his voice trail off a bit uncertainly.
She smiled at him - did she ever not? - and shrugged. "Does it have to be more than that right now? Isn't that enough, for a while? Work, study, stay alive. Let your friends in - the real ones who show up and care - and to the Maw with everything else." Maea patted Astra, scritching her behind an ear.
"I don't think you need to be in a hurry to be alright. You lost Abasi not so very long ago. Give yourself time to grieve, to feel, to not be alright. I think that's important too."
And as long as he refrained from self harm, it might do some good too.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Biting his lip, he shifted so he was facing Astra and Maea. "Doesn't it?" Moving into a cross-legged position, he rubbed his palms against his thighs. "I wish I could see that as enough. But there's this tiny voice in my head that says it isn't. And another one that says not to trust this." He gave her an apologetic smile. "I know they're wrong. I just don't know how to stop listening to them." Voice soft, he stared at her almost imploringly, as if hoping she had the answer to the question he didn't know how to ask.
Letting out a huff of laughter, he shook his head. "I'm not sure I've ever been alright. There's always been...something." Looking away, he found himself studying the shadow of a cloud as it passed over the sun. "And giving into my grief when I was growing up would just result in more torture. It was seen as yet another sign of my weakness." The words were hard to speak, and he had to swallow after them, mouth suddenly dry.
"The same way you refrain from trusting anyone you know to be a consummate liar." Her tone was practical, a little dry. "Would you give a drunkard a bottle, if he swore he wouldn't drink it, just hold it while he slept? Of course not. It's the same. We've all got those voices. I have one that says trusting Sunjata is a foolish idea and it will lead me to nothing but pain." Turning her head to look at Loren, she smirked, teasing. "For some reason, that voice sounds a lot like you.
"Now... I could listen to it. Leave, walk away... and be guaranteed to spare myself pain. And happiness. Or, I could stay. Take the risk, let what happens happens, and focus on being happy while I can instead. And maybe it'll be worth it, even if the day comes when it does break. Maybe it won't be, when it hurts and I look back on everything. But... at least I would have tried."
The wind swept a coil of hair in front of her face, and Maea pulled it back behind an ear. "I could continue on with another hundred years of this life. Or I could die tomorrow. Should I refrain from living today, just because I don't know what will happen when the dawn comes?"
All rhetorical questions. There was no real answer, no true right path to choose. But then, perhaps there wasn't supposed to be one either.
"All I'm saying is, you're not in your homeworld anymore. Those people that hurt you? Most of them are not here. And those who are, well. It's easy enough to stay away from them, as Caido is rather large. I'm not going to hurt you for trying to change. Nor will anyone else who truly care about you. So unless you think we're all standing in line, ready to punish you for being happy..?" There was a bit of a challenge there, a brow raised as if to ask if that was how he saw them. Saw her.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
"Ha ha." Loren deadpanned a laugh at Maea's teasing. Then, though, he fell silent as she spoke. Astra got up and came to settle in his lap and he stroked her fur absently and held the luxere close as the pale skinned woman continued to talk.
Finally, when she finished, he sighed. "If I say kind of, how mad will you be?" It was his attempt at at a joke, and he gave her an apologetic smile to let her know he didn't really mean it. It slipped away as he rubbed his forehead. "It's not you I don't trust it's...me. I don't trust myself to change. To get better, to do better. To be...good. And kind and thoughtful and all those other things people are supposed to be."
Shrugging a bit helplessly, he gave her a tired look. "And so I'm worried, constantly, about how or what the next stupid thing is that I'm going to do or say that will hurt those I care about." His voice and expression were both guilty and ashamed.
