Maea
And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
But take the pain
Her hand only got as far as his arm, before she realized he wasn't reacting. Not responding, offering her his hand like he had done before. It made her falter, fingers slipping away again to hang limp by her side. He was so close. Only a breath away, but... the way he looked at her, with his face so oddly closed off, he could just as well have been a mile off.
His attempt at explaining didn't really help. As she breathed in, biting back the prickling behind her eyes again, that hateful need to cry - as if it would solve any problems - Maea thought about his question. Tried to look at herself the way she saw him. Clear, sharp, without mercy... without judgement.
And perhaps she wasn't as drunk as before, but apparently she still had the courage to speak her mind, exactly as it was. Ugly as it might be.
"I think... I'm just afraid," she admitted. Quiet again, a little weak, but clear. Honest. "It feels like we're going back to those early days. When you wanted to play, and I... couldn't bring myself to let go of the control I had. Over myself. There's a part of me with stupid amounts of pride that says I'm being toyed with. Used. That... if it's not clear cut and well defined with neat borders and rules, then it's somehow dangerous."
Shrugging, she gave him an apologetic half smile, as if to say she wasn't afraid of him, per se, more of the uncertainty of this situation they were putting themselves in. "I guess... it's really a trust issue. A control issue. If I can't see you, then I don't know what you're thinking, what's happening, whether you are happy or angry or sad, and I won't be able to tell how I'm supposed to react. And if I don't know when you're coming and going, then... I won't know if you'll actually come back. Or if every time I say goodbye will feel like the last time."
Her eyes dimmed, and she blinked them furiously, refusing to give in to the emotions, for all that they colored her voice again. It was terrifying to tell him all this. Because she knew it might hurt... it probably would.
"I think it means... that I'm being placed in a very vulnerable position. Hoping and waiting for something that might not happen... And I have no way of affecting the outcome. I'll be... completely powerless to decide my own fate."
And gods, that was something she hated. Everything she worked so hard to escape.
Did he understan now, how hard this would be for her? What he asked of her, when he said he wanted to have the cookie and eat it, at the same time?
"If you say this is what you need though... I'll try doing this your way." What did they call it? Friends with benefits? No committment?
As long as it wasn't open for other people... but maybe that was her pride speaking again. The one that wouldn't settle for being one in a crowd.
His attempt at explaining didn't really help. As she breathed in, biting back the prickling behind her eyes again, that hateful need to cry - as if it would solve any problems - Maea thought about his question. Tried to look at herself the way she saw him. Clear, sharp, without mercy... without judgement.
And perhaps she wasn't as drunk as before, but apparently she still had the courage to speak her mind, exactly as it was. Ugly as it might be.
"I think... I'm just afraid," she admitted. Quiet again, a little weak, but clear. Honest. "It feels like we're going back to those early days. When you wanted to play, and I... couldn't bring myself to let go of the control I had. Over myself. There's a part of me with stupid amounts of pride that says I'm being toyed with. Used. That... if it's not clear cut and well defined with neat borders and rules, then it's somehow dangerous."
Shrugging, she gave him an apologetic half smile, as if to say she wasn't afraid of him, per se, more of the uncertainty of this situation they were putting themselves in. "I guess... it's really a trust issue. A control issue. If I can't see you, then I don't know what you're thinking, what's happening, whether you are happy or angry or sad, and I won't be able to tell how I'm supposed to react. And if I don't know when you're coming and going, then... I won't know if you'll actually come back. Or if every time I say goodbye will feel like the last time."
Her eyes dimmed, and she blinked them furiously, refusing to give in to the emotions, for all that they colored her voice again. It was terrifying to tell him all this. Because she knew it might hurt... it probably would.
"I think it means... that I'm being placed in a very vulnerable position. Hoping and waiting for something that might not happen... And I have no way of affecting the outcome. I'll be... completely powerless to decide my own fate."
And gods, that was something she hated. Everything she worked so hard to escape.
Did he understan now, how hard this would be for her? What he asked of her, when he said he wanted to have the cookie and eat it, at the same time?
"If you say this is what you need though... I'll try doing this your way." What did they call it? Friends with benefits? No committment?
As long as it wasn't open for other people... but maybe that was her pride speaking again. The one that wouldn't settle for being one in a crowd.
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay
You choose to stay
