Maea
And time it waits for no one
It heals them when you die
It heals them when you die
He pushed back, that temper flaring up in his eyes with every word she said. But Maea didn't care. It was a bit of a relief to be honest, to cut loose like this. To unleash herself on him, in a very different way than she had earlier.
And just like she'd forced him to do, she listened when he retaliated. Because that's what they did, wasn't it. They listened to each other, even when the stories that rolled from their lips weren't sweet fairly tails and golden roses.
Sunjata's words were sharp and cut hard, cut deep, just like he'd warned her. She felt them delve into the core of her being, stripping away illusion and pretense and any noble ideals she might hold of herself, like blades slicing open flesh revealed the white bone beneath.
When he pushed himself up from his knees, when he towered over her and pressed into her space, Maea stood her ground. Her feet slid apart a little, stance widening and lowering, as if ready for physical combat. Oh, he'd said he wasn't violent in his temper, but she had been. She had forced a kiss on him, the one thing he'd said he despised beyond all else, and she was prepared for retaliation. Expected it, invited to it as she faced him head on, her neck forced back uncomfortably to meet his gaze.
"Oh, of course there is a difference, how foolish of me not to know. You'll have to forgive me, I can only draw from personal experience here, and as you've taught me all I know on the subject, flirting inevitably seems to lead to fucking - if you wanted me to understand otherwise, you should have showed me otherwise." Her voice had softened, become lower; teeth still flashed behind the rosy lips, pearly white and so small compared to his fanged sneer, but no less vicious.
His barb about her magic, about losing control, made her snarl. "I gave you credit for that because your words were the final trigger I needed to make a choice. But don't think I changed my mind so suddenly because of a few words from you. I've had people encourage me to change long before I ever knew you existed, and if it's hard to leave behind the indoctrinations of a lifetime, I expected you of all people to have some understanding of that.
"But go ahead, call me naive. Call me prude, if you want, though we both know by now that's not true. Respecting myself enough not to throw myself at just anyone is a damn sight different from being unwilling to try, and not being interested in sleeping around is a whole nother thing too. Just because I want you and trust you enough to expose myself doesn't mean I'm going to do it for just anyone."
Was it hypocritical to cast around the word 'trust' at this point? Maybe... though there was a core of there for him all the same. Maea had told him more about herself than any other, had entrusted him with her worries and fears, what small hopes and dreams she still possessed. And she had listened, and accepted all of his messed up, twisted past. Flaws and all.. and now he had the audacity to call her selfish for it.
"You're damn right I'm selfish! And I'm jealous, and cruel, and I don't give a damn about it! You've been in this world for barely a year and you think you know anything about what it takes to survive in it, what it takes from you. I've held on for twenty years, so don't think I'm not going to take what I can, hold on to what I want and guard what falls into my hands, because I fucking will!
Her fists clenched where she stood, pathetically small and frail before him, but her spine was straight and her chin held high, as she faced every accusation, every low blow he threw at her. Returned them, with equal brutality, even though a small voice in the back of her mind told her this might be taking things too far. There were words you could not go back on, once they had been let out into the world...
"Unlike you, I don't plan to die for anyone, and you're damn right that I'm not Lusea; I'm not stupid enough to get myself killed and leave people behind to suffer for it. That's selfish. Do you think your guild mates would be happy if you gave your life for theirs? Would you be proud and content if I did that for you? If any of them did that for you?
"Stop being so fucking quick to throw away the only truly precious thing you're likely to get here, Sunjata! Dying is not hard, it's living that's the real challenge. But like everything else, you just keep running away from it, tail tucked between your legs. When are you going to start standing your ground? Is this your idea of changing things? To go straight back to how you used to live, giving up before you've even tried?
"Listen to yourself! You predict failure from the start, of course you keep screwing up with an attitude like that! And that does become my problem, because whether you planned to or not, whether you want to or not, you're a part of my life."
Maea drew for breath, her chest heaving. She wasn't loud, not screaming, but there was such intensity about everything that it took all her strength; and the pressure he exerted on her was immense, just by hovering over her.
"You are mistaken about one thing though. I've never asked you to love me, until today. I never expected you to replace Lusea with me, or make me her equal in your eyes. Or take the place of anyone else! All I want is to be treated with respect, to be seen for me and not some ghost that will never come back. At least now I know you're actually looking at me properly; and if what you're seeing falls somehow short of what you've come to expect, then... then I'm sorry for not being enough. Truly, I am.
"I genuinely want to be a strength to you, but if you really don't want that, then I will stop trying. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. If you still want to give us a try, then I'm all in, and if all you can offer is the occasional night then... then... then screw pride, I'll accept that!
"If you can't stand the sight of me anymore after this though... then I won't stop you from leaving. Her voice caught at the words, knew they were dangerous, knew he might just storm off then and there... but she said them anyway. Because...
"It's your choice, Sunjata. It always has been, and it always will be.
"That, is the only truly unselfish thing I'm ever likely to do. Because I've never wanted anything more in this life than I want you, and I will accept whatever terms you set. And if that makes me a pathetic, naive, easily manipulated fool, then I guess that's what I am."
Maea threw her hands out to her sides, exposing herself. Relinquishing whatever small amount of control she might have over this awful situation; the ball was in his court.
And just like she'd forced him to do, she listened when he retaliated. Because that's what they did, wasn't it. They listened to each other, even when the stories that rolled from their lips weren't sweet fairly tails and golden roses.
Sunjata's words were sharp and cut hard, cut deep, just like he'd warned her. She felt them delve into the core of her being, stripping away illusion and pretense and any noble ideals she might hold of herself, like blades slicing open flesh revealed the white bone beneath.
When he pushed himself up from his knees, when he towered over her and pressed into her space, Maea stood her ground. Her feet slid apart a little, stance widening and lowering, as if ready for physical combat. Oh, he'd said he wasn't violent in his temper, but she had been. She had forced a kiss on him, the one thing he'd said he despised beyond all else, and she was prepared for retaliation. Expected it, invited to it as she faced him head on, her neck forced back uncomfortably to meet his gaze.
"Oh, of course there is a difference, how foolish of me not to know. You'll have to forgive me, I can only draw from personal experience here, and as you've taught me all I know on the subject, flirting inevitably seems to lead to fucking - if you wanted me to understand otherwise, you should have showed me otherwise." Her voice had softened, become lower; teeth still flashed behind the rosy lips, pearly white and so small compared to his fanged sneer, but no less vicious.
His barb about her magic, about losing control, made her snarl. "I gave you credit for that because your words were the final trigger I needed to make a choice. But don't think I changed my mind so suddenly because of a few words from you. I've had people encourage me to change long before I ever knew you existed, and if it's hard to leave behind the indoctrinations of a lifetime, I expected you of all people to have some understanding of that.
"But go ahead, call me naive. Call me prude, if you want, though we both know by now that's not true. Respecting myself enough not to throw myself at just anyone is a damn sight different from being unwilling to try, and not being interested in sleeping around is a whole nother thing too. Just because I want you and trust you enough to expose myself doesn't mean I'm going to do it for just anyone."
Was it hypocritical to cast around the word 'trust' at this point? Maybe... though there was a core of there for him all the same. Maea had told him more about herself than any other, had entrusted him with her worries and fears, what small hopes and dreams she still possessed. And she had listened, and accepted all of his messed up, twisted past. Flaws and all.. and now he had the audacity to call her selfish for it.
"You're damn right I'm selfish! And I'm jealous, and cruel, and I don't give a damn about it! You've been in this world for barely a year and you think you know anything about what it takes to survive in it, what it takes from you. I've held on for twenty years, so don't think I'm not going to take what I can, hold on to what I want and guard what falls into my hands, because I fucking will!
Her fists clenched where she stood, pathetically small and frail before him, but her spine was straight and her chin held high, as she faced every accusation, every low blow he threw at her. Returned them, with equal brutality, even though a small voice in the back of her mind told her this might be taking things too far. There were words you could not go back on, once they had been let out into the world...
"Unlike you, I don't plan to die for anyone, and you're damn right that I'm not Lusea; I'm not stupid enough to get myself killed and leave people behind to suffer for it. That's selfish. Do you think your guild mates would be happy if you gave your life for theirs? Would you be proud and content if I did that for you? If any of them did that for you?
"Stop being so fucking quick to throw away the only truly precious thing you're likely to get here, Sunjata! Dying is not hard, it's living that's the real challenge. But like everything else, you just keep running away from it, tail tucked between your legs. When are you going to start standing your ground? Is this your idea of changing things? To go straight back to how you used to live, giving up before you've even tried?
"Listen to yourself! You predict failure from the start, of course you keep screwing up with an attitude like that! And that does become my problem, because whether you planned to or not, whether you want to or not, you're a part of my life."
Maea drew for breath, her chest heaving. She wasn't loud, not screaming, but there was such intensity about everything that it took all her strength; and the pressure he exerted on her was immense, just by hovering over her.
"You are mistaken about one thing though. I've never asked you to love me, until today. I never expected you to replace Lusea with me, or make me her equal in your eyes. Or take the place of anyone else! All I want is to be treated with respect, to be seen for me and not some ghost that will never come back. At least now I know you're actually looking at me properly; and if what you're seeing falls somehow short of what you've come to expect, then... then I'm sorry for not being enough. Truly, I am.
"I genuinely want to be a strength to you, but if you really don't want that, then I will stop trying. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. If you still want to give us a try, then I'm all in, and if all you can offer is the occasional night then... then... then screw pride, I'll accept that!
"If you can't stand the sight of me anymore after this though... then I won't stop you from leaving. Her voice caught at the words, knew they were dangerous, knew he might just storm off then and there... but she said them anyway. Because...
"It's your choice, Sunjata. It always has been, and it always will be.
"That, is the only truly unselfish thing I'm ever likely to do. Because I've never wanted anything more in this life than I want you, and I will accept whatever terms you set. And if that makes me a pathetic, naive, easily manipulated fool, then I guess that's what I am."
Maea threw her hands out to her sides, exposing herself. Relinquishing whatever small amount of control she might have over this awful situation; the ball was in his court.
And soon you are forgotten
A whisper within a sigh
A whisper within a sigh
