what remains of my heart

Eventually, Sam had had to leave the embrace of his Mother; she could not cure him and so he truly was lost in the world, on his own to tackle the effects of whatever had gripped control of his body. He took aimless steps from the woodland, his path swerving and stopping whenever the nausea became too much and his fogged mind couldn't remember where he was trying to go (though really, he'd never had much of an idea).

He recognised the streets he was passing in a distant way, but couldn't quite remember their names; each corner he thought was the one before he got home (only...this wasn't home any more, was it?) then turned and found there was another corner to go. This cycle became more and more frustrating, until eventually he was crying without really knowing why, marching determinedly (wobbling) down the streets as if they were purposefully hiding something from him.

Loren wasn't quite sure how he'd gotten here. All he remembered was the need to see Frey, demand answers to the questions he hadn't asked last time. But the deity didn't like Halo, so he'd been on his way to a shrine elsewhere.

Then habit had taken him to the Hollowed Ground. Or maybe he had just mistaken the signposts. Pushing sweat-soaked hair off his forehead, he groaned.

Staggering over to the nearest wall, he slumped against it. Then slid down it, landing in a thump. Astra, who'd been trotting by his side immediately came over. Nosing him, she tried to get him to stand, but he just shook his head, completely silent.

A flash of movement caught his eye. The healer licked his bone-dry lips. [say]"S-Sam?"[/say] he croaked out.

In the fog surrounding Sam's mind, it was a miracle he managed to hear Loren's voice at all, but perhaps it was the sound of his name that made him notice; he turned (too violently, had to balance himself) and stared, peering at the man as if making sure he was really there. [say]"..Loren? Oh. Hello."[/say]

As if it were the most natural thing in the world, he went to sit next to Loren by the wall, quite happy for an excuse to stop walking and stumbling for a while. The second he sat down he knew he'd have trouble getting back up, the energy sapped from him - and when he turned to look at Loren, his eyes immediately snapped to the man's neck, to the blood that Sam knew was so easily accessible within...

[say]"...Why...are we sat on the ground?"[/say] He asked, through his delusions, eyes clearly focused on Loren's veins.

Loren blinked at Sam. Skin clammy, the healer shivered in his seat. [say]"H-hello."[/say] Closing his eyes, he took deep breaths.

Opening his eyes, he let his head loll to the side so that he could look at the redhead. However, the Firebrand misjudged the distance to the wall and thumped his skull into it. After a beat, he uttered, [say]"Ow."[/say]

Rubbing the spot where he'd impacted the stone, he frowned. [say]"Why...why we not sit on the ground? I'm standing."[/say] Bleating, Astra climbed into his lap. He petted her, the strokes erratic and uneven. She didn't seem to mind, just sighed and pressed herself against him.

Loren turned and hit his head, the bump sufficiently distracting Sam from his neck for the moment. Eyes flicking back up to the man's face, he frowned at Loren's words, not at all understanding and unsure if that was because Loren wasn't making any sense, or if it was because he had gone too far into this strange illness to comprehend words.

[say]"...What?"[/say] He asked, idly watching Astra climb into Loren's lap and the way his hand almost shook over her. It was only then that it dawned on Sam that Loren might be sick too and the excitement of this revelation made him grab the man's arm and lean in close, usual sense of distance and propriety gone in the moment. [say]"Oh! Loren! Are you sick too?! I'm sick. I don't know how, but I'm sick. The Voice can't even help me."[/say]

Still rubbing his head, Loren frowned at Sam's question. [say]"What what?"[/say] The healer shook his head before lowering his hand to hold Astra.

As the mapmaker grabbed the Firebrand's arm he stiffened. Then he tried to jerk out of the other man's grip. [say]"Pshhh no. I don't get sick. You don't get sick. We don't get sick."[/say] Laughing, Loren tapped into his healing magic. A sky blue glow passed through his entire body as the spell ran through him.

Grinning, he ruffled Sam's hair. [say]"See? Not sick."[/say] Then the healer's eye narrowed. [say]"Why do you think the Voice lied to you?"[/say] Clicking his tongue, he shook his head.

[say]"...You're not standing."[/say] Sam said quietly, frown on his face saying that he himself was doubting the fact now that Loren had put sufficient question in his mind. He looked up and down Loren, trying to make sure they were in fact still sat down; it appeared they were, so he nodded, confirming his statement.

Not holding on too hard, Sam was easily knocked off of Loren's arm, tilting his head in further confusion. [say]"We aren't? I am. I think. Do you think your healing magic will work on me?"[/say] Possibly with too much enthusiasm he threw his arm out in front of Loren, nearly punching Astra in the face, waiting to be healed. [say]"If you're not sick you should look after me."[/say] As his hair was ruffled he didn't argue, but he did duck his head down a little, frowning.

[say]"The Voice didn't lie. When did I say she lied? She doesn't lie."[/say] Seeming annoyed that Loren would suggest it, he shook his arm, demanding healing.

Frowning, Loren looked down at his legs. He patted them a few times before returning to stroking Astra. [say]"We're standing?"[/say] Sighing, he shook his head. [say]"I don't know. Everything's...gods."[/say] He pinched his eyes with one hand.

Biting his lip, his brow furrowed in concentration. A unicorn flickered into being and immediately disappearing. Sagging against the wall, he wiped the sweat from his forehead. Then whined and tried to wipe it off on Sam. [say]"I can't. My magic is on the fritz again."[/say]

Then the healer sat bolt upright. [say]"But Oliver's a unicorn now! Maybe he'll do it."[/say] He tried to stand up, but the luxere head butted him in the chest and he aborted the attempt.

Closing his eyes, he bowed his head. [say]"I'm not...good at taking care of people. You need to find someone else. Someone good."[/say] He rocked back and forth a little, moaning as he did.

[say]"But the Ascended can't get sick,"[/say] he insisted. Opening his eyes, he sought out the mapmaker's. Doing so caused the Firebrand to thump his head on the stone again. [say]"Or was that a lie too?"[/say] He rested his arm on the other man's. Loren's fingers curled around it, shimmering with healing magic that didn't do anything to the Ascended.

It was obvious that Loren was confused, but with his own brain as addled as it was, Sam didn't immediately make the conclusion that he was delusional. Hoping that someone other than himself could be in control of the situation, he continued to listen to Loren in the hope that he would suddenly begin to make sense.

He was disappointed to hear that Loren couldn't heal him (and certain he wasn't about to seek out Oliver as a unicorn to do so, unsure if that was another confused thought from Loren) and drew back his arm with a sigh, frowning and patting Loren's shoulder when he got critical of himself. [say]"You're fine at it. We're just...I think we're both a little weird feeling, right?"[/say]

Then, despite what he'd said, Loren did take his wrist and began to try heal him anyway. Sam let it happen, shrugging at the insistence that Ascended couldn't get sick. [say]"I thought so too, but...The Voice said something is wrong. She...she took something from me to look over it last season and said it wasn't right..."[/say]

Frowning, Loren rubbed his temples. [say]"I don't know. I've been struggling a bit, but...I also don't know if I know what normal feels like."[/say] He shook his head. Lowering his hands to his lap he sighed. [say]"I don't even know how I got here."[/say]

Dropping Sam's wrist the healer pressed his lips together. [say]"Really?"[/say] He rubbed one hand against his thigh. [say]"They told me something similar. That there was something inside me, from the Climb."[/say] He laughed. [say]"But they didn't say that there was anything wrong. Just that I was becoming something. Something new."[/say]

Smiling, he leaned his head back against the wall. [say]"They were excited to see what I became."[/say] He chuckled again.

[say]"...Hm. I suppose I can understand that."[/say] Knowing quite what 'normal' was in the kind of times they lived in was admittedly hard (though a nagging voice in the back of Sam's head told him that fever and delirium like this was still probably unusual). Given that he didn't know quite how he (or Loren) had gotten there either, Sam couldn't say much to comfort.

He tilted head, unsure of how much of what Loren said was true and how much was likely to be hallucinogenic nonsense. [say]"But I've never been to the Climb. I don't even know how you get there or what it looks like."[/say] Sam argued, unsure how he and Loren could have the same illness if that were the origin. [say]"...Do you...think it's changing you? ...Or that...oh no."[/say]

Clear distress in his eyes, Sam leaned closer. [say]"Do you think you gave it to me?"[/say]

Tilting his head to one side, Loren narrowed his eyes at Sam. [say]"What's there to understand?"[/say] The healer frowned even as his hands gathered up Astra and pulled her into his chest.

His expression smoothed into a slack-jawed smile. [say]"It's a land of fire. It's wonderful."[/say] Turning, he beamed at the mapmaker. [say]"We should go back."[/say] The Firebrand straightened up at that suggestion, leaning away from the wall a bit as if to try and get up.

He stopped when the Ascended spoke. [say]"Change comes to everything. Worrying about it just brings more pain. I know that now"[/say] Still grinning, Loren tried to tap his nose. He missed and poked himself in the cheek instead. Then he clasped the other man's shoulder. [say]"Just relax,"[/say] the hybrid advised.

Releasing Sam, the healer's smile slipped away at the mapmaker's question. [say]"It's inside me. And I didn't give you anything. And you can't get sick, and I can't get sick. What a silly thing to ask."[/say] The Firebrand laughed.

[say]"...What you just said. About not feeling normal."[/say] Sam frowned back, feeling like there was something oddly disjointed about their whole exchange, as if they were talking around and past each other (it almost reminded him of the last days of his and Remis more intense relationship, which made him uncomfortable). [say]"...I can't remember quite what it was, though."[/say]

A land of fire, even as much as Sam was craving heat at the moment, sounded pretty awful. Automatically he reached out to try and pull Loren back, desperately wanting to keep the company even as confusing as he was being; thankfully it seemed that Loren didn't actually have the motivation or strength to leave. [say]"I think I'll be able to relax knowing I won't...Knowing that...um..."[/say] Losing his train of thought midway, Sam shook his head.

The way Loren described illness sounded wrong, but he was a healer...Sam took a breath then closed his mouth, unsure if he was about to sound stupid. [say]"Why can't you get sick? And...and that's how illnesses work. They're inside people, then they spread them by sneezing or touching something. I heard Nate once say something about um...oh, what was the word..."[/say] Muttering to himself, trying to remember a lecture he hadn't actually attended, Sam trailed off again.

Frowning, Loren rubbed his forehead. When his fingers came back slick with sweat he hissed at them. Flinging it as far as he could, his magic lashed out, pushing all the water off his body. It sluiced off in a small wave. Almost immediately, though, he started sweating again.

Sighing, he leaned his chin on Astra's fur, hunching over oddly to make it work. [say]"I can't either. But I don't know if I ever knew what normal was."[/say]

Stroking the luxere's fur, he turned so his cheek was resting on her and he could look at Sam. [say]"Knowing or not knowing shouldn't matter for relaxing."[/say] The healer took a deep breath.

[say]"I...didn't I already tell you? I could've sworn I already told you..."[/say] Voice trailing off, he lifted one hand and waggled his fingers. [say]"The magic. The magic makes the sick go poof."[/say] He giggled.

Pulling his companion up into his chest, he let his head loll to the side. Astra bleated at the movement and wriggled before settling in his lap again. Although his eyes were having trouble focusing, he tried to meet the mapmaker's gaze. [say]"You and Nate are still talking?"[/say]