He was afraid of the damage that he had caused, the teetering world he'd left behind had counted on him. And he wasn't good enough for them. He hadn't been then and he wasn't now. He felt stupid, having hoped for reassurance from the gods when he knew there would be none to give. He was a failure and he was afraid because he could never go back and change it now. He could never apologize, never make up for all the spite he'd given. It'd seemed to make so much sense at the time, he really had hated them.
Or did he? He wasn't sure anymore, if he hated them for resigning him to a life he didn't want, or if he hated himself for not being able to simply comply. If he had just listened, and realized that it wasn't all that bad... but it was - but it wasn't. His head was swimming with contradictions, a frenzy of what was right and wrong and true and false and at the center of it all was a boy who wanted to curl up in his mother's arms and be held tight.
He was overwhelmed. He'd gone through this all in his head many times since he'd got here, everyone wanting to know who he was made out for a lot of self reflection. Many times he'd found himself on the verge of these tears, they'd been waiting ever since he'd first begun to realize what this all meant for him. Slowly he began to slip out of the fearful mindset, a single unrelated thought distracting him long enough to escape. Well since they didn't come at least I get to eat my cookie, was the thought, that pulled Killian back into the physical and present moment and allowed him to wipe the tears from his eyes.
The frenzy of insecurities died down, but was ever present as a little itch at the back of his mind, just waiting for him to reach a low point so it could resurface. But for now he was ok again. He shook his hands and took a deep breath, to release the remaining tension.
A faint smile returned to his features again as he reached for the cookie, but a sudden bout of youthful laughter drifted by. His eyes snapped to where the giggling came from, the grass parted as it neared, like someone was nearing, but there was no one there. Before he knew it, the spirit breezed past him, and in an instant his cookie disappeared. He turned his head, expecting to see the parting grass continue as it ran on the other direction, but a warm wind erased the trails and all that was left was the laughter.
Killian sat there for a moment, utterly confused and a little disappointed, a scowl on his face. Then, laughter, a true and hardy laugh escaped him. This had been... a very eventful visit to the shrine. While he hadn't learned anything, he somehow felt better. He'd gotten to cry, and well, at least someone was enjoying his cookie.
listen to the sound of the world
don’t watch it turn
