It was not okay, though later he would appreciate the quiet comfort she offered. In the moment, however, he shied away from her attempt to soothe him. The pride and ego that had been his armor had been stripped away, leaving him not only vulnerable but weak against the kindly lances of her words, and shame that anyone should see him like this - but especially Amalia - burned fresh poison in his veins. He was the older one, the wiser one. He was supposed to be her strength, a bastion for her to lean on. He knew, as only one who had surrendered to hopelessness could, that she would never be able to trust him to be her strength again, and the white fox shuddered beneath her hand and turned his narrow face away.
Her questions had no easy answers, no singular cause but instead many roots that snarled and twisted together. Isuma peeped softly, trying to encourage him from her nest in Amalia's lap, and the tip of a flattened ear twitched in response. Finally he drew a ragged breath, and the words that poured out from his thoughts were steeped in guilt and self-loathing. I could not protect you on Long Night, he said softly. Even though I know I wasn't... that we were being influenced... still, I hurt you and Rory, both, and you would have died for my stubbornness if Edy hadn't saved you. I wasn't there for Rory when he faced down Roana... or Maea, and nothing I did could stop the Spire's breach by Wessex and the Ascended with her. Safrin... she made it clear that it was the fault of humans... by extension that I was at fault for not stopping it. That the fault for the Blight in the Greatwood is therefore ours - mine - as well. He curled himself up more tightly again, eyes squeezed shut against the memory that played out in his mind where he couldn't escape it.
I tried, Amalia, I swear I did! I spoke to Arduinna of the Fae, I searched the books of the Atheneum for past diseases with Melinoe's help, but... but... it wasn't enough for her. I begged for her aid, and she turned her face away and I don't... I can't see the path forward anymore... What I am, what I was as an Oracle... the gods were my last hope.
He was pathetic, and he was aware enough of it that he cringed away from her touch, certain that she would rightfully lose patience with his self-pitying breakdown. And now I have let you down again, he finished sadly, a second faint whimper escaping his swollen throat. I never meant for you to see me like this, Ama. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger for you... stronger for you all.
Her questions had no easy answers, no singular cause but instead many roots that snarled and twisted together. Isuma peeped softly, trying to encourage him from her nest in Amalia's lap, and the tip of a flattened ear twitched in response. Finally he drew a ragged breath, and the words that poured out from his thoughts were steeped in guilt and self-loathing. I could not protect you on Long Night, he said softly. Even though I know I wasn't... that we were being influenced... still, I hurt you and Rory, both, and you would have died for my stubbornness if Edy hadn't saved you. I wasn't there for Rory when he faced down Roana... or Maea, and nothing I did could stop the Spire's breach by Wessex and the Ascended with her. Safrin... she made it clear that it was the fault of humans... by extension that I was at fault for not stopping it. That the fault for the Blight in the Greatwood is therefore ours - mine - as well. He curled himself up more tightly again, eyes squeezed shut against the memory that played out in his mind where he couldn't escape it.
I tried, Amalia, I swear I did! I spoke to Arduinna of the Fae, I searched the books of the Atheneum for past diseases with Melinoe's help, but... but... it wasn't enough for her. I begged for her aid, and she turned her face away and I don't... I can't see the path forward anymore... What I am, what I was as an Oracle... the gods were my last hope.
He was pathetic, and he was aware enough of it that he cringed away from her touch, certain that she would rightfully lose patience with his self-pitying breakdown. And now I have let you down again, he finished sadly, a second faint whimper escaping his swollen throat. I never meant for you to see me like this, Ama. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger for you... stronger for you all.
