i'm not okay

KIADA

i dream of gods and monsters

Kiada ignores the insistence that Rexanna’s pregnancies won’t work here. She doesn’t believe it for a second, regardless of the circumstances. Even if she was with someone who couldn’t get it up, accidents happened. Rexanna wasn’t the most dedicated woman in Kiada’s history. She doesn’t believe it’s changed. But when Rexanna’s tone grows more motherly, Kiada actually sneers at her. “Surviving?” She laughs, a sharp wolfish laugh. “Even I didn’t have to survive like that. To be so low that in order to disappear and become invisible to escape Halyven and Asciend’s armies that you’d please them until they forgot you were there?” She doesn’t realize her voice has raised, but Auni does and uncomfortably tries to calm his bonded.

“But it didn’t stop there, no. You act like that was the only time you had to “survive” like that, but it wasn’t. You enjoyed it. It’s no wonder that Prince of yours wants your head.” Her head shakes in disbelief, before a sneer crosses her face again. “Did you sleep with the servants too? Or was it strictly for the military men? Like mother like daughter, right? I mean, your mother the Queen had you with the head of the army, right? And then you fell in love, or some bullshit story like that, with Father, yet another military man?” Her teeth grate against one another as she tries her best to keep her mouth shut. But she can’t – Rexanna has opened a flood gate of all the wrong doings in her life.

“Maybe you were perfect for each other, actually. Neither of you could communicate anything, so you thought having too many fucking kids would solve the problems. But it didn’t, because all of them are gone except for me.” There’s unsaid words beneath it, out of everyone that was there once upon a time, it’s only her. And a mother who isn’t even the same person, who can’t atone for the sins of a different version of her because she never lived it. She only remembers, and Kiada isn’t sure what hurts more.

and of the man who knew i was both