LOREN
Rexanna could say what she wanted, but Loren knew it was more complicated than that. After all, even if other people accepted him back into their lives, he’d also need to forgive himself. And in his mind, what he’d done had been completely unforgivable. He shook his head, not willing to accept her words. “But you knew of me.” Indeed, she’d recognized him because Remi had asked her to search for him. “Which means this is at least my second chance. And it always starts off well, before I screw it up somehow. So, fair warning, you’d be better off if you didn’t give me that opportunity.” Despite the subject matter, his voice came out more matter of fact than sadly: he was speaking facts, after all, at least as he saw them.He listened silently to her explanation about her home. It was clear she missed it, from the beautiful way she described it. “It sounds wonderful.” He’d caught her slip of the tongue, of course, as she spoke about nobles. It didn’t surprise him that someone as beautiful and composed as she would have been a noble in her old life. “It was kind of you and your fellows to do that for those poorer than you.” He sighed, and cast his mind back to the worlds he traveled through, and his behavior in them. “Where I came from, the nobles couldn’t be bothered to associate with those beneath them. The hierarchy was strict.”
Then he hesitated, running a hand through his hair (forgetting what it had been touching). “I tried to be better than them, to not care about such trivial concerns. But...it was hard, because the family expected certain things from me, and it was frowned upon to socialize beneath our station.” And the summoner hardly had to—and definitely didn’t want to—explain to Rexanna what might happen to someone who crossed the Launceleyns. Even their own kin wasn’t safe from retribution. In fact, it was worse for them than outsiders, given the standards his relatives were expected to uphold. He shivered, as his hands clenched into fists at the remembered pain.
Thankfully, they moved on to the party, which was worrisome, but far less painful. “I think you and I might have very different definitions of the word fun. You did mention orgies earlier, did you not?” Just because Loren didn’t participate in any of that didn’t mean he didn’t know about them; the nobles of Northaven and Northwind had thrown all sorts of debauched events, albeit not publicly. But the librarian had never participated for many reasons. Partially it was because he didn’t like most his actual peers; partially it was because his idea of a good time was curling up with a good book; mostly, though, it was because he didn’t like to be touched, and shied away from physical contact. He’d been hurt too many times to accept it easily.
“I wasn’t worried about planning it, just hosting it.” Standing there, mingling with all those people, sounded like a nightmare to him. However, he wouldn’t let his discomfort stand in the way of Edy’s remembrance. “Alright then, let’s do it.” He could always slip out early, once the alcohol started flowing and the inhibitions started lowering. At the mention of not having help for the funeral, he almost rolled his eyes. “Oh, but I do have help.” It came out in a surprisingly bitter tone; he hadn’t realized just how much Beatrix was getting on his nerves until then. Still, she was a child, even precocious (the kindest word he could think of) as she was, and he was an adult. “Besides, this isn’t the first funeral I’ve planned.” His voice ended on sad not for that one. Indeed, Loren had seen far too many of his family members burned to ashes.
A beggar's book
outworths
a noble's blood
