LOREN
Loren made a cloth to wipe his mouth on, and dipped it in the snow to dampen it. The shock of the cold against his lips was enough to chase away any lingering sexual desire, and to bring a sort of clarity to his mind. Rexanna’s question was a good one: he was still underweight, and it was entirely possible that some of his nausea was a result of losing blood he did not have to lose.However, he knew that wasn’t the answer, not really, or at least not the whole answer. However, he needed to give the blue-eyed woman an answer, one that would allay the concern in her voice. Although he couldn’t see her eyes, considering his head was still hanging off the edge of the bridge, if he’d seen the worry there he would’ve shrank away from it. Or maybe he would’ve cried tears that froze on his cheeks.
Sighing, he pushed himself up and twisted into a sitting position, then drew his legs up to his chest and hugged them before resting his chin on his knees. ”F-fine. I’m, I’m fine.” Shaking his head, both because he knew he wasn’t fine, not even a little bit, and to answer her second question, he shut his eyes for a brief moment to gather his willpower. ”You didn’t take too much. That’s...that’s not why I…” He didn’t have the strength to say that’s not why her actions had made him vomit.
Unfortunately, Loren knew he owed Rexanna an explanation. He bit his lip, terrified of what she might think when she found out. Still, he had to tell her because having her feel bad about something that was not her fault would make him feel terrible. Besides, she deserved to know the truth about someone she thought was a friend. ”I...I don’t know how much you know about the Launceleyns.” Very, very few people outside the family knew these secrets, and he still instinctively shied away from revealing them. However, getting it out in the open made him feel better every time. ”But, well, we were under a magical oath never to disobey a royal order or harm someone with royal blood. Or rather a specific royal bloodline. It started at birth, and it only applied to those born with magic, so my family only married mages, in hopes of breeding more, and then sequestered its magical children in a locked compound to teach them...obedience. Total obedience. And strength, too, magical strength that is, though that was less important in some ways.” Loren hadn’t looked at her since he threw up, but he risked a glance now, curious to see how she was taking all this.
”And the way they enforced that obedience was through...force. Through torture.” He had to swallow at that word: even the memory of it caused remembered terror and shame to pass over him, caused him to hug himself all the tighter. ”I was weak, and not particularly good at following orders. At first. So they...they hurt me. With magic. Over and over and over again. But it...wasn’t always physical spells. My immediate family were all illusionists, so they...they would twist my mind and my emotions around until I didn’t know what was real and what was fake.” That had to be a unique kind of horror, and he took a deep, shuddering breath. ”So I guess...as the...as the pleasure came over me, and I knew it wasn’t something coming from me, not something I necessarily wanted or invited, it felt a little too close to that.” He closed his eyes, needing to shut out the world for a second. ”I’m sorry. His apology came out in a soft and broken whisper.
Now Rexanna knew the monsters he had come from, and the one he might turn into if he didn’t constantly monitor himself and always force himself to try to do the right thing. It was why selfishness was so dangerous for him, because he didn’t know where Loren stopped and the Launceleyn began.
A beggar's book
outworths
a noble's blood
