He stoked the fire with a thick branch he had come across early, sparks flying as the coals were push around. "I was a soldier before I was assigned to guarding the Hawthornes. I was on the front lines in Northwind, news was scarce from the capital those years before I portal'd into the settlement." To be fair there hadn't really been any reliable news source out there where the fighting had been most fierce. Sure soldiers gossiped around the campfires like fishwives but Kal learned early on to take anything a soldier said with a grain of salt. The fact that he hadn't really been privvy to Ashe's betrayal of her former guild wasn't as surprising as she might think.
"So.....sold out your entire guild for what? To play house with that husband of yours in Northhaven? Must have been quite the adjustment from slitting throats in the dark to delivering love letters to prattling nobles." On the one hand Kaladin could care less about her selling out the guild. He hadn't known any of their members besides Ashe and he was sure that the group had done plenty of harm while they were active. Yet at the same time the lack of loyalty struck a nerve in Kaladin, a nerve that wanted to chastise the woman. The two opposing thoughts caused his tone to come out in a strange half attempt at being stern with her, as if his mind told him to be mad at her yet his heart wasn't really in it.
"It's all meaningless Ashe, every last fucking bit of it. But as they say, we're in a brand new world. Full of new opportunities and wonder." he waved his hands in mock excitement. "Now you could go back to being a messenger, or be a baker, or a whore....whatever you'd like to be."
She redirected his question back at him and Kal shrugged, shrinking back into himself a bit. " I've come to realize I don't care much for being around people much anymore. It's much more agreeable for everyone if I made myself scarce as possible....and much safer as well." Of course he blamed himself for those deaths. Had he been stronger he could have killed the goddess that had snatched up and taken Violet away. Had he been smarter or faster he could have found a way to bring Cailain and Kala to this fucked up new world, hell he would have even brought that fucker Ryker with them if it mean't that one of the women he loved would have been alright. He would have moved the earth to get to watch his daughter grow up. "You ever see the people that you'd killed Ashe?" he said after awhile. "Back in the war I never saw them, never thought of the countless faceless soldiers I had gutted or dismembered on those battlefields. It was easy then, easy to tell myself that they didn't matter. They had chosen their side and I had chosen mine." his voice cracked for but the tiniest moment before he continued. "These new faces though, These faces won't go away. I see them when I sleep, I see them when I'm awake. When I eat, when I take a shit. I...I just can't seem to get them to leave me alone. I've watched them die countless times in countless different ways. Sightless eyes stare accusingly at me, their voices like nails raking against my brain. Asking me why I wasn't there, why I didn't protect them." As he spoke he began to visibly shake, hands balled into fists while blood began to trickle from his one remaining human palm. "Do you know what its like to stare at your dead children and try to explain to them why you killed them? Why there wasn't anything you could have done to save them? Knowing in the back of your mind that you aren't fucking talking to anyone?" Tears had finally begun to fall from Kaladin's cheeks. He didn't sob, his words came out crisp and clear for the most part, yet the tears flowed freely from his eyes. He walked over to where she had tossed the bottle and took another heavy swig before tossing it back to her. "Your turn"
"So.....sold out your entire guild for what? To play house with that husband of yours in Northhaven? Must have been quite the adjustment from slitting throats in the dark to delivering love letters to prattling nobles." On the one hand Kaladin could care less about her selling out the guild. He hadn't known any of their members besides Ashe and he was sure that the group had done plenty of harm while they were active. Yet at the same time the lack of loyalty struck a nerve in Kaladin, a nerve that wanted to chastise the woman. The two opposing thoughts caused his tone to come out in a strange half attempt at being stern with her, as if his mind told him to be mad at her yet his heart wasn't really in it.
"It's all meaningless Ashe, every last fucking bit of it. But as they say, we're in a brand new world. Full of new opportunities and wonder." he waved his hands in mock excitement. "Now you could go back to being a messenger, or be a baker, or a whore....whatever you'd like to be."
She redirected his question back at him and Kal shrugged, shrinking back into himself a bit. " I've come to realize I don't care much for being around people much anymore. It's much more agreeable for everyone if I made myself scarce as possible....and much safer as well." Of course he blamed himself for those deaths. Had he been stronger he could have killed the goddess that had snatched up and taken Violet away. Had he been smarter or faster he could have found a way to bring Cailain and Kala to this fucked up new world, hell he would have even brought that fucker Ryker with them if it mean't that one of the women he loved would have been alright. He would have moved the earth to get to watch his daughter grow up. "You ever see the people that you'd killed Ashe?" he said after awhile. "Back in the war I never saw them, never thought of the countless faceless soldiers I had gutted or dismembered on those battlefields. It was easy then, easy to tell myself that they didn't matter. They had chosen their side and I had chosen mine." his voice cracked for but the tiniest moment before he continued. "These new faces though, These faces won't go away. I see them when I sleep, I see them when I'm awake. When I eat, when I take a shit. I...I just can't seem to get them to leave me alone. I've watched them die countless times in countless different ways. Sightless eyes stare accusingly at me, their voices like nails raking against my brain. Asking me why I wasn't there, why I didn't protect them." As he spoke he began to visibly shake, hands balled into fists while blood began to trickle from his one remaining human palm. "Do you know what its like to stare at your dead children and try to explain to them why you killed them? Why there wasn't anything you could have done to save them? Knowing in the back of your mind that you aren't fucking talking to anyone?" Tears had finally begun to fall from Kaladin's cheeks. He didn't sob, his words came out crisp and clear for the most part, yet the tears flowed freely from his eyes. He walked over to where she had tossed the bottle and took another heavy swig before tossing it back to her. "Your turn"
