Counting thoughts

M  A   E    A I talked to God to no avail Said, "If you won't save me, please don't waste my time." Waving off the apology with a hand, Maea found glasses and a pitcher of water for them instead. Those were on easy supply in the Infirmary, and covered the basic needs. Though Evie's teas were good, it did not irk her to be left out. At least that part of the past had been left behind for good. She no longer craved to be a more intrinsic part of their little group the way she had when they were younger. She raised a pale brow at the comment of wanting to be good enough. "Ama, as far as I know you've always been enough. More than enough, people love you. They depend on you and speak well of you, and I've had my head bitten off more than once for even implying that you might not be perfect." Jigano had scolded her, Loren had scoffed at her jealousy, and she thought Safrin's saving of her Shield spoke volumes about her value to the gods. "What makes you think you're not?" Leaning back in her seat, she rested the half-eaten pastry in her lap. The last question was a difficult one, and Maea considered it seriously. To have everything returned to the way it was... To see her family again, live the old life... it sounded good for a little while. "I would do anything to have Noah back," she said in the end, voice soft as her expression grew wistful. "My brother, the children... But then, if I went back to before it'd be me lying in that bed again, like you do now. I would be alone again, whenever you or Evie were too busy to come around. I would never have met Ludo. Never met Jigano, or joined the guild, or tried to think of myself as anything but a burden on my kin and this community. I think... even despite all the bad things, I wouldn't go back. "Would you change it to be like before? Truly?" Maea looked carefully at the woman, searching her eyes for the answer. If Maea had gained much, Amalia had found twice that in these past few years. Did she really regret that, and wish it undone?