PHOEBE
Harper would find no resistance as he spun in her arms, her own falling to her side limply as he wrapped her up in his own. Her forehead remained pressed to his shoulder, his words falling over her like a waterfall – soothing, calming, compassionate. The midwife clung to each word as though they were all that kept her from falling over the edge of a sheer cliff-side. He offered her protection and presence without any qualifications or terms. If she married Jata, he would be there. If she didn’t marry Jata, he would be there. Without any prompting or reason, Harper had waltzed in and offered unconditional stability – a constant she had lost when Remi had gone.
But before she could respond to anything he said, or even fully comprehend the depth of his words, she was pulled away, embraced by another, more familiar form. Her whole frame tensed as if on instinct, Jata’s words, soft as they were, grating against each nerve. She expected the same harsh words and disinterest, and yet she was met with words of…comfort? Not fully. Back-handed comfort – he was doing this for her as if she were the cause of her own misery, as though he had no true hand in her suffering and pain. You wanted this. I told you so. I’m just doing what you want. He intended kindness surely, but it was all hollow platitudes, ignoring how he had been unnecessarily harsh, how he had gone above and beyond in his angst to lash out against her verbally. If he had wanted her to be happy then why had he tried so hard to make her feel so miserable? Why did he put so much effort into making her understand how much he didn’t want this or her and that all she did was bring him suffering? She didn’t need the extra guilt and sorrow, she was capable of producing that all on her own.
Phoebe opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She was frozen in place, physically and mentally. But after a moment of stillness her body began to tremble, teeth biting down on her lower lip, mind spinning wildly out of control. She reached for love, it was torn away by death and lovers past. She reached for family and it was taken by ice walls, mud monsters, blight, and bodily sabotage. She reached for security and companionship, and it was shattered by cruel words, harsh actions, blame, and guilt. Her dreams pursued turned to nightmarish death marches where she could do nothing to save or defend; helpless and useless. Death and failure and sorrow and guilt, each with a chisel chip, chip, chipping away at her soul, turning a white marble block into blackened gravel.
Slowly she lifted her hands to either side of her head, trembling still as she squeezed her eyes shut, a descent into a madness she had never known. Breath short gasps as the world spun around her, heart beating far too fast for being so still. Where was she? Why was she? Everything suddenly too loud and too quiet, too bright and too dark, spinning too fast and too slow. Was this panic or heart failure or death – she did not know, her mind too muddled in the overwhelming sense that the world around her was caving in and she had no way out. The ground disappeared and she was falling, falling, falling…
A new arm pulled her close, muscular and strong, suffusing her with warmth and want and mystery, the ground reappearing with such suddenness she jerked awkwardly. Images flooded her mind of rolling hills of green grass, too bright for words under pink hued clouds and warm whispery breezes. She did not need to see or hear them to know Frey was suddenly there, holding her, grounding her (or was she suspended? She did feel a bit like she was floating). Her face turned in to their shoulder, head still held in her hands. The world still spun, leaving her dizzy but aware of her surroundings. Their words, moving with honey coated slowness from her ears to her mind, understood but not acted upon. Self-preservation her mind’s only concern, diving her ever deeper into the fantasy that played behind her eyes, hiding from the questions she could not answer. What did she want, what did she want, what did she want?
Once upon a time she knew, and then she shattered under the weight of mourning she had never dealt with, and instead buried in layers of work and half-truths.
”What happens here today dictates absolutely nothing.”
Then why did it not feel like nothing?
Focus on the pretty pink clouds, Phoebe, and the way the hills roll with every breath Frey takes…
But before she could respond to anything he said, or even fully comprehend the depth of his words, she was pulled away, embraced by another, more familiar form. Her whole frame tensed as if on instinct, Jata’s words, soft as they were, grating against each nerve. She expected the same harsh words and disinterest, and yet she was met with words of…comfort? Not fully. Back-handed comfort – he was doing this for her as if she were the cause of her own misery, as though he had no true hand in her suffering and pain. You wanted this. I told you so. I’m just doing what you want. He intended kindness surely, but it was all hollow platitudes, ignoring how he had been unnecessarily harsh, how he had gone above and beyond in his angst to lash out against her verbally. If he had wanted her to be happy then why had he tried so hard to make her feel so miserable? Why did he put so much effort into making her understand how much he didn’t want this or her and that all she did was bring him suffering? She didn’t need the extra guilt and sorrow, she was capable of producing that all on her own.
Phoebe opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She was frozen in place, physically and mentally. But after a moment of stillness her body began to tremble, teeth biting down on her lower lip, mind spinning wildly out of control. She reached for love, it was torn away by death and lovers past. She reached for family and it was taken by ice walls, mud monsters, blight, and bodily sabotage. She reached for security and companionship, and it was shattered by cruel words, harsh actions, blame, and guilt. Her dreams pursued turned to nightmarish death marches where she could do nothing to save or defend; helpless and useless. Death and failure and sorrow and guilt, each with a chisel chip, chip, chipping away at her soul, turning a white marble block into blackened gravel.
Slowly she lifted her hands to either side of her head, trembling still as she squeezed her eyes shut, a descent into a madness she had never known. Breath short gasps as the world spun around her, heart beating far too fast for being so still. Where was she? Why was she? Everything suddenly too loud and too quiet, too bright and too dark, spinning too fast and too slow. Was this panic or heart failure or death – she did not know, her mind too muddled in the overwhelming sense that the world around her was caving in and she had no way out. The ground disappeared and she was falling, falling, falling…
A new arm pulled her close, muscular and strong, suffusing her with warmth and want and mystery, the ground reappearing with such suddenness she jerked awkwardly. Images flooded her mind of rolling hills of green grass, too bright for words under pink hued clouds and warm whispery breezes. She did not need to see or hear them to know Frey was suddenly there, holding her, grounding her (or was she suspended? She did feel a bit like she was floating). Her face turned in to their shoulder, head still held in her hands. The world still spun, leaving her dizzy but aware of her surroundings. Their words, moving with honey coated slowness from her ears to her mind, understood but not acted upon. Self-preservation her mind’s only concern, diving her ever deeper into the fantasy that played behind her eyes, hiding from the questions she could not answer. What did she want, what did she want, what did she want?
Once upon a time she knew, and then she shattered under the weight of mourning she had never dealt with, and instead buried in layers of work and half-truths.
”What happens here today dictates absolutely nothing.”
Then why did it not feel like nothing?
Focus on the pretty pink clouds, Phoebe, and the way the hills roll with every breath Frey takes…
all i wanted was to be wanted
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
