my held breath fills the room with blood
hurting in ways I can't describe
Of the many words slung in offense against her, selfishness is perhaps the most plentiful and accurate. She can see the exhaustion in Deimos' face, in the way he settles in the seat across from her, and yet cannot lash her tongue to silence on his behalf. Another burden for her to bear, to know that she is so unworthy of his friendship and support. And yet she sinks into that flaw, lets it cradle her like the darkest crevice the earth could supply. Maybe someday she will atone for her sins. Today is not that day, no matter how she longs to apologize the instant the words splinter from between her teeth. To stuff them back into her throat and swallow them whole if only to keep Deimos from the extra weight.
As always he is reserved, but each word is weighted as they rumble forth from his chest to destroy what little composure she clings to. "I thought one was going to be for you at first." It feels like acid being poured into every split seam and aching wound, and she feels the tears come hot and fast before she can even think to steel herself against them. In a desperate attempt at concealment she drops her head into her free palm, shoulders trembling in tempo to her quivering breath. She never should have hoped in the first place, shouldn't have played with fire when her heart is still so scarred and sensitive to every glancing touch. Sunjata had been an amalgamation of every good trait of her past loves, with a devil's smile and a touch that weakened her knees. Water and lightning, so easy to play off one another, and she had been swept up in the rightness of him. The desire to not be alone anymore, to find someone who understood the cracks in her foundation and found her architecture beautiful despite them. Hotaru had not expected anything more of their relationship when they had fallen into bed together, but after...
Tears trail down her cheeks, silent but for the way her breaths come heavy and uneven. "You cared enough." Gods, but she had. Deimos can see right through her guard to the pitiful woman beneath, has always regarded her like a glass display that can conceal nothing from his knowing gaze. When had things gone so quickly wrong? When had the blade slipped between her ribs, as smooth as sighing and with no time to realize it had even cut her before she was bleeding out? She had lifted him from the bottle and been at his side, had taken the silver of his token upon her wrist. And worst of all in that final night she had shared with him her deepest wounds, had revealed scars that no other living soul has witnessed. Even Deimos did not know the truth of it all, having passed long before the events that had broken her so thoroughly. Now...now Sunjata has the power of that knowledge, and it feels like an axe hanging over her neck in the darkest premonition of retaliation and blackmail.
You thought you could trust again, and you were foolish to ever consider it. He has taken everything from you and run to the one he truly wants, and now you are left with less than nothing. Foolish child, you have never been your mother's daughter, you are merely a shade trying to walk in her footsteps. You have never been strong enough to shoulder her legacy.
She wipes her face hastily as she lifts her head from her hand, slamming the newly full cup back and relishing the burn that chases away the vision of his soft steel eyes and the memory of how he had held her so gently. Wiped her tears and looked past all her trauma to the woman beneath. It was that moment, then. As he had cradled her, as his roughened hands had taken her own and held tight while she drowned. She had looked up through the rough waters and seen his face at the surface, and she had been lost.
Though the tears linger, blurring her dearest friend from her gaze, she works her jaw hard to keep her visage blank. Aware that her cheeks must be ruddy, still smeared with tears, even as her eyes go flinty and her spine straightens. "My first mistake," she declares hoarsely, mind leagues away. "It was foolish to ever...ever let myself care for someone so much like me." Nobody else will ever be privy to the venom that spits on that last word, the self-hatred that wells up like a yawning beast beneath her tone. Thranduil had played her in much the same way, courting her with her own tactics only to cut right to the marrow with the ace up his sleeve that every lover of hers has played - that she may be a powerful queen, a temptress, a storm. But in the end, once that last wall has fallen from around her heart, she is pathetically weak and undeserving of such titles and awe. "At least they are both miserable. Small victories." But even the sardonic twist of her lips does not exude the power it might have once had. Because in the end, she doesn't want him to hurt. And that is why he has won.
As always he is reserved, but each word is weighted as they rumble forth from his chest to destroy what little composure she clings to. "I thought one was going to be for you at first." It feels like acid being poured into every split seam and aching wound, and she feels the tears come hot and fast before she can even think to steel herself against them. In a desperate attempt at concealment she drops her head into her free palm, shoulders trembling in tempo to her quivering breath. She never should have hoped in the first place, shouldn't have played with fire when her heart is still so scarred and sensitive to every glancing touch. Sunjata had been an amalgamation of every good trait of her past loves, with a devil's smile and a touch that weakened her knees. Water and lightning, so easy to play off one another, and she had been swept up in the rightness of him. The desire to not be alone anymore, to find someone who understood the cracks in her foundation and found her architecture beautiful despite them. Hotaru had not expected anything more of their relationship when they had fallen into bed together, but after...
Tears trail down her cheeks, silent but for the way her breaths come heavy and uneven. "You cared enough." Gods, but she had. Deimos can see right through her guard to the pitiful woman beneath, has always regarded her like a glass display that can conceal nothing from his knowing gaze. When had things gone so quickly wrong? When had the blade slipped between her ribs, as smooth as sighing and with no time to realize it had even cut her before she was bleeding out? She had lifted him from the bottle and been at his side, had taken the silver of his token upon her wrist. And worst of all in that final night she had shared with him her deepest wounds, had revealed scars that no other living soul has witnessed. Even Deimos did not know the truth of it all, having passed long before the events that had broken her so thoroughly. Now...now Sunjata has the power of that knowledge, and it feels like an axe hanging over her neck in the darkest premonition of retaliation and blackmail.
You thought you could trust again, and you were foolish to ever consider it. He has taken everything from you and run to the one he truly wants, and now you are left with less than nothing. Foolish child, you have never been your mother's daughter, you are merely a shade trying to walk in her footsteps. You have never been strong enough to shoulder her legacy.
She wipes her face hastily as she lifts her head from her hand, slamming the newly full cup back and relishing the burn that chases away the vision of his soft steel eyes and the memory of how he had held her so gently. Wiped her tears and looked past all her trauma to the woman beneath. It was that moment, then. As he had cradled her, as his roughened hands had taken her own and held tight while she drowned. She had looked up through the rough waters and seen his face at the surface, and she had been lost.
Though the tears linger, blurring her dearest friend from her gaze, she works her jaw hard to keep her visage blank. Aware that her cheeks must be ruddy, still smeared with tears, even as her eyes go flinty and her spine straightens. "My first mistake," she declares hoarsely, mind leagues away. "It was foolish to ever...ever let myself care for someone so much like me." Nobody else will ever be privy to the venom that spits on that last word, the self-hatred that wells up like a yawning beast beneath her tone. Thranduil had played her in much the same way, courting her with her own tactics only to cut right to the marrow with the ace up his sleeve that every lover of hers has played - that she may be a powerful queen, a temptress, a storm. But in the end, once that last wall has fallen from around her heart, she is pathetically weak and undeserving of such titles and awe. "At least they are both miserable. Small victories." But even the sardonic twist of her lips does not exude the power it might have once had. Because in the end, she doesn't want him to hurt. And that is why he has won.
my heart bends and breaks
so many, many times
HOTARU
