and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

Astra rubbed herself against Loren’s leg at Samuel’s statement. Absently, the summoner reached down and scratched her head, even as his eyes grew sad. Indeed, they sparkled with tears that he immediately and instinctively blinked away. For a long while, he didn’t respond. When he finally did, it was barely above a whisper. ”My family tortured me for fifteen years. Both my immediate family and my extended kin. Emotionally, physically, magically.” Taking a deep breath, he schooled his features into a neutral mask as he lifted his hand from his companion. ”My mother died in childbirth, as did my stepmother. My father and eldest brother were murdered. My sister died, though she was resurrected. Then she didn’t come to Caido with us, and I lost her all over again. At first I didn’t think my twin had either, and I mourned him as well. Then after I found him again, I was disowned from the family, losing him all over again as well. My cousin was eaten by a landshark, and my other cousin threatened to kill me after she disowned me.” The list came out almost in a drone. ”I lost Ronin, and Remi, and more friends besides, even if some of them still live. Even if most of that is my fault” Looking away, he felt his eyes prickling with unshed tears once more, and his voice grew strained. ”Caido is the third world I’ve been in, and the third world I’ve lost in. I’m tired. I’m so tired of losing people. I was tired before Abasi...before he...” He took a deep, shuddering breath. ”So yes. Loneliness is preferable to that. Maybe not for you. But...it is for me.” There was a weary and defeated tone to the words. The question about what he’d loved about Abasi didn’t exactly improve the Launceleyn’s mood. He found himself entirely unable to look at the redheaded man seated across from him. ”I loved...the way he smiled at me. Just for me. The way he encouraged me to be myself, and not to worry so much about what others might think. That all he asked from me was honesty. That he challenged me, but not, not ever in a way I minded…” Loren’s words grew half-choked, and he found himself trailing off as his jaw feathered with tension. It was almost a relief to discuss Remi instead. Indeed, the summoner found himself shutting off once more, his brief bout of grief fading away almost as if it had ever been. ”When I came back from my...disappearance, he told me that all I needed to say was that I missed him, and that I was here if he needed me. If he wanted that.” Finally, he looked back at the man seated across from him. ”So this time, when I saw him again, that’s what I did." LOREN Not quite an open book