Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away
She was quiet for a long time. Tried to find the answer for herself, as much as for him. Though he tried to hide the hurt she sensed it in him anyway, the careful way he picked his words, and it cut her to know that she was causing pain even without wishing to. Even when she tried to steer away from it.
"I think... probably, because it isn't safe?" It was as much a question to herself as an answer for Jigano. "Because... if I go there, I will not be among friends. There will not be anyone to catch me if I fall there. Because... Zariah is dangerous, and if I can handle her, it feels as though I could face anything, anyone and make it out alive."
It... sounded rather insane, to be honest, and she grimaced at her own words. Felt the oily taste of them on her tongue, and with a groan she buried her face in her hands, conflicting emotions and thoughts warring within her head again, like it had all through the night.
"Honestly, I'm not even sure what I want anymore. On one hand, yes, I want the Academy. Not only for the challenge Zariah but for the structure of it, the idea of studying one thing together with others who are like me. But Sunjata hates Halo and I don't want to be away from him if I can help it. Nor do I want to leave this Guild, I really don't. Torchline is interesting but I can't move freely there no more than I can here under the accursed sunlight, and... and I just don't know.
"I'm sorry, I thought I had this all figured out but it seems I really do not." She made a frustrated gesture and looked away from him, embarrassed to unload her troubles on him like this. As if he didn't have enough to concern himself with already.
If only she didn't have to choose. If only she could do everything she wanted and face no consequences. But that wasn't life, was it? To gain, you had to give and she should know by now that there would always be a price to pay. Even for happiness.
Especially for happiness.
"I think... probably, because it isn't safe?" It was as much a question to herself as an answer for Jigano. "Because... if I go there, I will not be among friends. There will not be anyone to catch me if I fall there. Because... Zariah is dangerous, and if I can handle her, it feels as though I could face anything, anyone and make it out alive."
It... sounded rather insane, to be honest, and she grimaced at her own words. Felt the oily taste of them on her tongue, and with a groan she buried her face in her hands, conflicting emotions and thoughts warring within her head again, like it had all through the night.
"Honestly, I'm not even sure what I want anymore. On one hand, yes, I want the Academy. Not only for the challenge Zariah but for the structure of it, the idea of studying one thing together with others who are like me. But Sunjata hates Halo and I don't want to be away from him if I can help it. Nor do I want to leave this Guild, I really don't. Torchline is interesting but I can't move freely there no more than I can here under the accursed sunlight, and... and I just don't know.
"I'm sorry, I thought I had this all figured out but it seems I really do not." She made a frustrated gesture and looked away from him, embarrassed to unload her troubles on him like this. As if he didn't have enough to concern himself with already.
If only she didn't have to choose. If only she could do everything she wanted and face no consequences. But that wasn't life, was it? To gain, you had to give and she should know by now that there would always be a price to pay. Even for happiness.
Especially for happiness.
