HARPER
"But I haven't," he points out gently, because honesty is the only policy here and now. "I've been so preoccupied with making sure you're okay, and exploring this place that I still barely know. I haven't intentionally thought of you in any non-platonic way. I'm not certain how I feel about it." Harper had spoken the truth before, he has certainly thought of it once or twice. But never consistently, never with any kind of dedication, and now he's staring into the deep end and - like always - scrambling back away from the edge in terror, unprepared.
Her hands grasp onto his, and he holds them firmly, staring at the differences in their skin tone and the frankly ridiculous amount of scars that cover his own. It just makes him feel sicker to be so blatantly reminded of how unfit he is for her. Her words are so optimistic, so hopeful, and he sighs softly as he squeezes her fingers. "It's not that simple, Phoebe. I am much older than you first of all, which is something I personally struggle to accept even if our worlds were different in expectations. And while I can't say what you do and don't deserve, and whether or not you deserve to be saddled with me, you still have so much ahead of you. I don't want to stand in the way of that, and I know that I will." It's more than anxiety or suspicion. He knows it just as he knows the wax and wane of the moon's cycles. She is a young, brilliant soul, and he is still a jaded, flighty nomad. Age gap aside, her youth alone warrants a better long-term relationship, a steadier one.
"And...I don't think I'm ready. And that isn't fair to you, to drag you along while I try to figure out my own problems, without knowing if by the end we'll even want each other anymore. I don't want to leave you in limbo, and that's what this would be." It hurts to say it, like chewing glass, but it's so similar to what he'd said to Oliver that it makes it that little bit easier. Harper is very loose and happy with his physical affections, perhaps too much if the result is hurting those who love him too quickly, but he knows his heart is well-guarded and slow to thaw. And he is fierce in his belief that Phoebe can find someone better, because he's not sure how long she would waste away at his side, discontent and hopeful. And potentially all for nothing. He cares too much about her - about all of them, all those who have expressed even the smallest interest in him romantically - to subject her to that.
Her hands grasp onto his, and he holds them firmly, staring at the differences in their skin tone and the frankly ridiculous amount of scars that cover his own. It just makes him feel sicker to be so blatantly reminded of how unfit he is for her. Her words are so optimistic, so hopeful, and he sighs softly as he squeezes her fingers. "It's not that simple, Phoebe. I am much older than you first of all, which is something I personally struggle to accept even if our worlds were different in expectations. And while I can't say what you do and don't deserve, and whether or not you deserve to be saddled with me, you still have so much ahead of you. I don't want to stand in the way of that, and I know that I will." It's more than anxiety or suspicion. He knows it just as he knows the wax and wane of the moon's cycles. She is a young, brilliant soul, and he is still a jaded, flighty nomad. Age gap aside, her youth alone warrants a better long-term relationship, a steadier one.
"And...I don't think I'm ready. And that isn't fair to you, to drag you along while I try to figure out my own problems, without knowing if by the end we'll even want each other anymore. I don't want to leave you in limbo, and that's what this would be." It hurts to say it, like chewing glass, but it's so similar to what he'd said to Oliver that it makes it that little bit easier. Harper is very loose and happy with his physical affections, perhaps too much if the result is hurting those who love him too quickly, but he knows his heart is well-guarded and slow to thaw. And he is fierce in his belief that Phoebe can find someone better, because he's not sure how long she would waste away at his side, discontent and hopeful. And potentially all for nothing. He cares too much about her - about all of them, all those who have expressed even the smallest interest in him romantically - to subject her to that.
can you protect me from what i want?
the love i let in, it left me so lost
the love i let in, it left me so lost
