- NATE -
but who am I to say?
let's all just run away
let's all just run away
Nate had said, in what feels like another lifetime now, that Sunjata wasn't going to be able to get rid of him, no matter how much he complained. This isn't complaining, isn't what Nate had imagined when he'd said those words, made that tongue in cheek promise. He hadn't imagined he would be so desperate, hadn't imagined it would feel so familiar, that it would dig at scars he'd thought were long healed, or at least ignored. The other man steps away, and it twists in Nate's chest, nearly as much as the tone. Flat, resigned.
He wants to summon up some of his anger again, wants to summon something other than his own sadness, his own yawning chasm of hollow numbness. All he grasps at is is ash and smoke, whatever there is usually to hide behind gone. The only consolation, hollow as it might be, is that Sunjata has stopped moving away, hasn't taken another step. Doesn't move away, as Nate squeezes his hand, which manages to spark some hope, urges Nate to keep trying.
"Shit falls apart around you. You don't fucking cause any of it." It's a tragedy, a shame, heartbreaking, but it's not Sunjata's fault. None of it. "You shouldn't be... punished, for trying to be close to people. For wanting to be close to things. For having people want to be close to you." His other hand comes up to wrap around the one he's holding again, to squeeze, to try and hold the other man still, keep him from taking another step.
Nate can feel the tremble in his jaw, the burn in his eyes when Sunjata looks at him again. The click when he bites down against it is audible, and at this point he isn't really sure why he keeps trying to hold things back. One of them has to, has to be the voice of reason, and it's new, it's hard, but the loss is more than Nate thinks he can take. But gods, does he want to be on the other side of this, to be contrary, and overwhelmed, and breaking. It's so much more comfortable. "So what? Are you not going to try anymore? You're gonna sit back and let yourself be what other people want you to be?"
Maea coming up again seems to do something strange to Nate's face, a shiver, a shudder running through him as he tries again to suppress it. "Are you going to push me away? Tell me to leave you alone?" It shouldn't sound so challenging, but it does, and he leans into it. "Say it. Tell me to fuck off. Tell me you're afraid, or whatever it is. Lose me too."
He wants to summon up some of his anger again, wants to summon something other than his own sadness, his own yawning chasm of hollow numbness. All he grasps at is is ash and smoke, whatever there is usually to hide behind gone. The only consolation, hollow as it might be, is that Sunjata has stopped moving away, hasn't taken another step. Doesn't move away, as Nate squeezes his hand, which manages to spark some hope, urges Nate to keep trying.
"Shit falls apart around you. You don't fucking cause any of it." It's a tragedy, a shame, heartbreaking, but it's not Sunjata's fault. None of it. "You shouldn't be... punished, for trying to be close to people. For wanting to be close to things. For having people want to be close to you." His other hand comes up to wrap around the one he's holding again, to squeeze, to try and hold the other man still, keep him from taking another step.
Nate can feel the tremble in his jaw, the burn in his eyes when Sunjata looks at him again. The click when he bites down against it is audible, and at this point he isn't really sure why he keeps trying to hold things back. One of them has to, has to be the voice of reason, and it's new, it's hard, but the loss is more than Nate thinks he can take. But gods, does he want to be on the other side of this, to be contrary, and overwhelmed, and breaking. It's so much more comfortable. "So what? Are you not going to try anymore? You're gonna sit back and let yourself be what other people want you to be?"
Maea coming up again seems to do something strange to Nate's face, a shiver, a shudder running through him as he tries again to suppress it. "Are you going to push me away? Tell me to leave you alone?" It shouldn't sound so challenging, but it does, and he leans into it. "Say it. Tell me to fuck off. Tell me you're afraid, or whatever it is. Lose me too."
grab your saints and pray
and we'll burn this world today
and we'll burn this world today
