He figured living was just easier

everything i knew is turning into ruins in your shadow

'And yet you still look at me that way, sometimes.' Remi said, nodding towards Sam and the expression that occasionally softly flit across the bookmaker's face. The eyes that looked for the Remi of old, the questions directed for someone he used to be.

'Then why waste your time trying?" The Alchemist asks with a low chuckle. It seemed silly to strive towards a goal you were never able to achieve, especially when it seemed to cost so much.

Softly Remi shook his head, his honesty easy as ever but far less hostile. Ludo had lifted more than just a bit of weight from his shoulders; the Alchemist was no less strong, but perhaps it was that lightness that Sam was sensing. "I'm not sure entirely. A side effect, I think." Stretching out a hand, Remi stared at it as if expecting something to happen immediately. When it didn't, he never nearly let it drop again until he started to see himself dim. Keeping as still as he could, slowly the Alchemist would fade away into nothing but shadow.

THE ALCHEMIST

i thought that i'd be ready
but falling isn't steady once you let go