There's a darkness down inside me
That I know we'll both enjoy
That I know we'll both enjoy
There's time later to talk about the decisions they've both made, the trouble they've sown. All that matters to her here and now is the fact that they are here and whole, tangible. It emboldens her past the ingrained cowardice of facing her emotions, of putting them to words and submitting herself to the terrifying possibility of being hurt again. But if Rexanna had been able to do it, if she'd found love even after all they'd both gone through in Helovia, all that was still ongoing here in Caido...was that not reason enough to try for herself?
Their hurt is clear to her, and the fact she can read them so clearly only makes her heart rabbit faster in her chest. Hopes and wishes that she hadn't felt had been translated that night now looming over her with a magnitude of potential that leaves her shaken. It's what she wanted, what she still wants, but Hotaru is terrified of the what ifs. Two little words, unassuming alone, but with the power to tear her apart when united.
"To me, staying...it meant more than being spared from LongNight in the Grounds. It meant warming your bed once, adding spice to a relationship I couldn't intrude on, and then having to watch it grow while trapped here with nowhere else to go." It's difficult to keep her voice level, to explain how it felt on her end instead of flippantly disregarding their words. "There was nothing more than insinuation to make me think it would be abnormal to leave. Especially not when Sunjata has done the same to me before. What proof did I have, more than my own wishing, of more?" She doesn't let her voice dip into accusation, because it has been some time since she'd awoken in an empty bed, Sunjata's side cold and vacant. There's no more hurt to be healed there, only scar tissue. "I know what I am. You can enjoy my body, my company, my friendship. But it won't be me you both turn to at the end of the night. Why should I have stayed?" Why should I stay now?
Their hurt is clear to her, and the fact she can read them so clearly only makes her heart rabbit faster in her chest. Hopes and wishes that she hadn't felt had been translated that night now looming over her with a magnitude of potential that leaves her shaken. It's what she wanted, what she still wants, but Hotaru is terrified of the what ifs. Two little words, unassuming alone, but with the power to tear her apart when united.
"To me, staying...it meant more than being spared from LongNight in the Grounds. It meant warming your bed once, adding spice to a relationship I couldn't intrude on, and then having to watch it grow while trapped here with nowhere else to go." It's difficult to keep her voice level, to explain how it felt on her end instead of flippantly disregarding their words. "There was nothing more than insinuation to make me think it would be abnormal to leave. Especially not when Sunjata has done the same to me before. What proof did I have, more than my own wishing, of more?" She doesn't let her voice dip into accusation, because it has been some time since she'd awoken in an empty bed, Sunjata's side cold and vacant. There's no more hurt to be healed there, only scar tissue. "I know what I am. You can enjoy my body, my company, my friendship. But it won't be me you both turn to at the end of the night. Why should I have stayed?" Why should I stay now?
and it's screaming from within me
to have us set it free
to have us set it free
