a reflection that nobody really knows

maybe i'm a runaway train, maybe i'm a feather in a hurricane

Vai's was probably the only lingering kindness that had the potentcy to reach Remi. Amalia, Sam, the rest of them...it was superficial feeling. They'd stretch as long as it was convenient but after that, Remi would be allowed to fall just as he wanted to. Intended to, maybe. But he believed Vai and the words she said. The fact that it didn't make him feel near as guilty as he should have spoke to just how much work he had to do. Shifting slightly so that he could lean his head against her shoulder, eyes trained in her fingers interlocked between his, he hummed a discontent note before answering.

"Embrace it." He repeats, the words thick in his mouth. "And if I don't change back? If I am just a selfish asshole for the foreseeable future?" Because that was the real heart of all of this. There was changing, and then there was changing the right way. "I am a tool for Ludo. I kill when it tells me to. I end lives before their time when it can be seen as a kindness to do so...I don't know how to reconcile that with...the man everyone seems to want me to be, again."

THE ALCHEMIST

maybe it's a long gray game, but maybe that's a good thing