Not used to dealing with such long verbal tirades, Remi shook his head with disbelief. "Do you ever cease your wild generalizations Jigano? Of course I have helped strangers. What I have not done however, is criticize them openly in the first seconds of our interactions. Aid? You did nothing but judge me prematurely and then offer your own condemnations. That hardly seems like aid."
Closing his eyes, Remi could only sigh. "I did not ask for an apology or to consider what I might or might not have done, only to show that your generalizations are unwarranted. I have accepted many of your suggestions, or orders, without argument. Even in this you are cruel Jigano, it feels as though all your words are meant simply to lay a trap for me to fall into. Had I another plan in mind, surely you'll argue I would have done that instead, and if I had nothing? Well, then I was not really following your suggestions, just filling in the blanks. Is that not it? Why bait me into arguing about eventualities when I am just trying to show you that the picture you have painted is wrong?" His voice had taken on a rather boyish and pleading tone now. Youthful obstinance Jigano would likely think, a need to be liked. But being misunderstood and faulted for it was a difficult thing to endure.
The thought of the not-Loren, buried in the ground, made Remi shiver. "So I was meant to tailor my actions while in the maze to what was best for you, then? I know nothing of you Jigano, but I feel that someone else in that situation might have been a touch more understanding given what you know of me. A simple, "ahh, I had wanted to study that, could you un-bury it please?" would have sufficed. But for some reason I am not deserving of your understanding or patience. Any perceived misstep on my part is met with critique from you. I cannot for see every single question I ought to ask of you. "
Grinding his teeth together, Remi balled his hands into fists, a quiet and unhappy flickering of upset brewing behind his pale stare, as he fixed Jigano with it. "He kissed me. In the cave." Remi blurted suddenly, the colour in his cheeks high, eyes shiny with either sadness or rage. "When he had to feed...the feeling was...it was..." The outrage started to pull back, and Remi found his nails falling from the palms of his hands. "It felt like pure passion. And in the dark of the cave, both swept up by it, Sam kissed me, and I kissed him back." All fluttery lashes and shaky breaths—something Jigano would surely call him out for in a moment—Remi tried to pull himself back. "He offered...himself. He nearly killed me in that cave, quite literally, and I think I would have allowed it too." The alchemist tried to say the first part delicately, a brow arched suggestively, feeling it far too intimate and precious a thing to speak out loud, especially in this circumstance. The second with a dire and solemn expression, one suggesting that he alchemist was in no way proud of this revelation. "Obviously I could not. Not because of what Sam is or is not...but he ... I think that was likely his first kiss, much less anything else. I would never want Sam rush into something like that, especially not when it was all so much in such a short time. That was when he found himself upset, saying he wanted to feel normal." Then, realizing precisely how that sounded, Remi swiped a hand across his eyes and sighed. "I went to see him after, to make sure he was alright and I brought him tea I made, since you said he was rather fond of it. The look in his eyes when he asked me to describe the taste to him, how he couldn't even feel the feather I gave him on his palm.." Now the shine was certainly sadness and was painfully obvious, even as the alchemist's eyes swept the ground.
"I could not ask Sam first, because I did not want to get his hopes up, as I told you." Remi continued, voice back to an even and gentle pitch. "But I also could not bear the thought of him thinking that I wanted this for him, for me. Even if I were never to see Sam again, I would want this for him if he wants it for himself. That was why I asked that he not know it was I who initiated this. Why I could not casually broach the subject." He'd not put down his friend by describing the almost pleading and desperate look in his eye, as he'd leaned back and offered himself in the cave.
Explanation over, Remi sighed as the emotion rolled over him, listening as Jigano described what had occurred between himself and Archebold. Remi flinched and frowned as the tale went on, looking unhelpfully uneasy. "I am sorry for that. And you are right, it is worth speaking to Vai and Ashe about their associations with him, but in that moment it did not seem to be the right time." Exhaling, Remi nodded and bowed his head slightly. "Perhaps you are right. As I have said, in Northaven I would never be able to command a grouping of those individuals as I did. I have never been a leader, nor much of anything in my life. My instincts in cases such as that are simply to keep the peace. Perhaps you might have gotten to the heart of the issue right then and there, and sent Archebold away. Perhaps you take on the reasonings of your friends as your own, I do not know. But I do not. I did what I thought best at the time."
Tired of arguing, Remi merely shook his head. A fit of pique? Had he not already defended himself against that charge? It seemed that while Jigano did not like the implications Remi was making, the bard was fine with putting words into the alchemist's mouth. But no matter. Archebold was certainly not one to argue over, for either of them. "I did not mean it as a deflection. Merely so that you might understand and perhaps consider not judging me so harshly for what I did, if you understood why."
As for the question, Remi nodded. "Yes." He said confidently. "I have asked and they have all said they would do so again in a heartbeat. It is why I was not worried about asking it of them. And no, I could not do the same for them." Remi replied with an immediate shake of his head, sending an errant curl before his eyes that he quickly brushed away. "Perhaps I am not so good a friend as they are to me, or not as strong, but no I could not. I am lucky to have them."
"Curses are not the same as asking me not to." The alchemist mumbled as a reply. "And no, I did not, for precisely the reasons you already assume. It was a dangerous thing, I well might have died." Of course that was what Jigano wanted to hear. "Which is why I did not ask them. Vai is like a mother to me, and while she did understand afterwards, she might well have tried to talk me out of it. So in this, yes. Stubborn, reckless, whatever you want to call me, I will accept. My life is not precious and before you say that my death would hurt others, I do know that. But we have decided to make escaping this place a priority, and in that, if sacrifices are to be made, better it be me than any of them."
At the mention of his flight, Remi could only sigh once again. "It was worth ruling out. You know as well as I do that this place is not always as it seems." As he continued mentioning controls, etc, Remi could only shake his head. "We are not all so well-versed in magical experimentation as you apparently Jigano. But your knowledge of such does not give you the right to be so needlessly cruel and critical. We are allowed to make our own mistakes. Are there better ways? Your ways? Of course. But if you are so keen to decide how everyone ought to conduct themselves and offer your views on how we ought to blink and conduct our friendships, then perhaps instead of your Loreseekers guild you ought to just given yourself a proper crown."
"I have relatively few thoughts on you Jigano. Perhaps less now. I don't pretend to know your mind or your ambitions as you do mine. Do I want to get to you know you? After you insult me, but then scoff when I mention it? You say you want to help, but you have done little to me other than insult and in almost every way indicate that I have not met your standards. "
Remi took a step back, recoiling as Jigano called him a lordling. "I am sorry for the things I have done to make you speak of me so." Remi said in a sad but genuine voice. One that would likely make Jigano smirk. If he thought the alchemist looked young before, Remi certainly felt it now. "Perhaps you think little of my intentions when the outcomes of my actions do not go according to plan. You council patience and planning, which I will heed in the future. But you have been needlessly cruel Jigano, and even if you have not meant to be, I have said it enough now and you have merely continued. Nothing I do is for attention or praise. Misguided and poorly executed my life may be, but I do not think I am deserving of the harshness you have shown me tonight."
Swallowing down tears and exhaustion, the alchemist—the commoner—merely nodded, eyes on the pavement. "Goodnight Jigano." REMI
How do you steal what you really want
When what you really want is free?
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