you're trying not to tell him you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling
”You pus-“ It’s the only thing that leaves Nate before he’s stopped, a hand in his face that he snarls at. He desperately tries to cling to the anger, to not give into despair. It’s a losing battle, but he tries, just so he doesn’t have to face anything else.
It’s clear Nate doesn’t understand the call Sunjata speaks about, that the very idea disturbs him, fans the fire in his chest. ”Did she promise that you wouldn’t have to harm me? Did she say that?” Or was the attuned simply assuming what he wanted, without clarification? Without knowing for sure? ”You know if she can’t save me, and she can’t, and you fight against the Voice, you’re fighting for me to die, right?” It’s harsh, and it’s the truth. He has no one left, not after this betrayal. ”I love you too, but I didn’t promise the Voice a fucking baby to keep you safe.”
The worst part of it, the very worst part, is that nothings changed. ”We’re just deeper in the same fucking hole.” For the second time, in a handful of days, Nate all but collapses to the ground, a puppet with its strings cut. His face is buried in his hands, the telltale shimmer of fluid on his cheeks whenever he shifts. ”And there’s no way out. There’s nothing we can do. And you keep digging.”
”Fuck you, and fuck your goddess. Don’t fucking apologize to me.” Somehow, Nate finds some measure of anger again, spitting it at Sunjata’s feet unceremoniously. ”You lose me in the end either way.”
Anger drains from him, lowering his shoulders, the edges of his mouth. ”What do you expect me to do? What would you do?”
It’s clear Nate doesn’t understand the call Sunjata speaks about, that the very idea disturbs him, fans the fire in his chest. ”Did she promise that you wouldn’t have to harm me? Did she say that?” Or was the attuned simply assuming what he wanted, without clarification? Without knowing for sure? ”You know if she can’t save me, and she can’t, and you fight against the Voice, you’re fighting for me to die, right?” It’s harsh, and it’s the truth. He has no one left, not after this betrayal. ”I love you too, but I didn’t promise the Voice a fucking baby to keep you safe.”
The worst part of it, the very worst part, is that nothings changed. ”We’re just deeper in the same fucking hole.” For the second time, in a handful of days, Nate all but collapses to the ground, a puppet with its strings cut. His face is buried in his hands, the telltale shimmer of fluid on his cheeks whenever he shifts. ”And there’s no way out. There’s nothing we can do. And you keep digging.”
”Fuck you, and fuck your goddess. Don’t fucking apologize to me.” Somehow, Nate finds some measure of anger again, spitting it at Sunjata’s feet unceremoniously. ”You lose me in the end either way.”
Anger drains from him, lowering his shoulders, the edges of his mouth. ”What do you expect me to do? What would you do?”
& you're trembling and he reaches over
and touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist
NATE
