did goodbye mean letting go?
She grits her teeth, because there are only so many secrets she's willing to reveal. "Because he's capable of being invisible," she grinds out, eyes flinty where they stare at the wall. Refusing to explain how, to betray Deimos' abilities or items. They can both tell her she's at fault, but she hasn't once tried to claim she's innocent. There is nothing she is trying to avoid. "I know I'm not innocent, but I didn't 'plant' anything in his head. I was drunk when I told him. Ask the bartender who served us that night, I'd say, but clearly you don't care about the fucking truth. Only about making me the monster." Her breath is beginning to come fast and shallow, fury shaking her apart, and the blood only grows in the linen threads of her dress as her nails pierce deeper to keep her head above water. "You're twisting my words. If I wanted to pretend that I was innocent, you think I would have come here willingly at all? Alone? That I'd be owning up to any portion of it in the first place? You don't make any sense." If she had really wanted to seem innocent, she would have taken Morgan up on her willingness to go to bat for Hotaru, to force a trial overseen by both lands and rulers. Force them to reveal the flimsy nature of their witness. But no. She knew they were only going to rant and scream, so she'd decided to do this privately - airing dirty laundry isn't her style.
They both spit and howl after her words, and she stares resolutely forward, refusing to allow herself to shake with trauma and dark memories. They don't deserve her fear, her hurt. She has already given them everything she possibly could. There's nothing left here but hollow spaces and ice. "Who do you think?" It comes out flat. "Deimos did. And what reason did I have to doubt him?" He's her best friend, the man she's known a lifetime longer than either of the ones before her. Even if he had lied, it's nothing she can change now. "And evidently I meant the days after you chose Sunjata," she can't help but snap at Nate, even though the loudness of her voice is practically a whisper compared to their rage. Her composure and honesty is all she has left, though Hotaru isn't sure they deserve either at this point.
Composure that breaks as Sunjata forces his feelings down the bond like a knife, and Hotaru hisses like an angry cat, slamming down barriers between their minds in self defense. It hurts, and she hates that it hurts, because it's his own fault. And how dare he get to hurt when he has everything and she has nothing? "Do I look like I can fucking stop him? Seriously?" With offensive-based magic and a fourth of his size physically? Her only leverage is their history and friendship; any other idea is pathetically hilarious. Ripping her hands free of her dress she makes a wounded growling noise, half-feral and far from used to the instincts her shift has given her. "You wanna know how I fucking feel?!" The chair squeals in protest as she shifts on the spot, mountain lion form forcing it backwards because she knows she can't fight back when her own Attunement is still budding, bond still one-sided. A shrieking roar escapes her fanged maw, right at Sunjata, tail thrashing and claws gouging at stone. On the tail end of the noise is the endless, voidlike gravity of her emotions that she shoves right back down the bond.
A grief unlike anything they know firsthand, over Atlas. Because losing a loved one, a family member, it doesn't fucking compare to losing a soulmate. He can't deny her grief when it's staring him right in the face. Then the roiling turmoil of persistent love for them that she can't bleed out of herself, and hurt hurt hurt hurt, god it hurts, they never loved her and they moved on, to each other as she'd always feared. She didn't matter, it was all lies, and she'd believed it all over again after sharing everything with them and handing her weaknesses over on a silver platter. Loss, loneliness, and a disgust for herself so deep it seems like it grew with her in the womb. A disgust that she couldn't be what they wanted. All of it howling and sharp. An entire season worth of laying sleepless in her bed, missing them, while they reconciled and shared smiles and laughter to contrast her tears. And he will find no guilt, no shame, as he might cruelly expect. Only a heart far beyond broken; fragments ground repeatedly into smaller shards until they're nothing but dust.
Only when she begins to feel her threads of control unspool does she shift back to human form, tears sudden and fierce on her angrily twisted face, cheeks hot with temper as she quakes where she stands. Her eyes turn to Nate, burning cold. "I never wanted a baby with anyone but you!" it's screamed from a throat that's raw from restraining itself. "This is no gift, it's a fucking curse, you think I'd ever seek this out intentionally?" The latter half is lobbed accusingly at Sunjata, who knew exactly why Hotaru was so terrified to have kids again. Why she would have never done it with anyone but them, because she didn't trust anybody else nearly enough. "But you can paint me into some homewrecking bitch if that helps you sleep at night. Blame it all on me, when I didn't even set fire to the place, just so you don't have to suffer any fucking consequences or feel any guilt." Whirling back to Sunjata, breathing heavily, she wipes her bloody palms on her dress. "If you aren't willing to believe me, then I'm sure as hell not believing you when you say they were lies. Now are we done here, Governor?" The title is spit like something foul, and her hands ball at her sides as she forces her gaze away from them once more, trying to regain lost ground as she counts her heartbeats in her head.
They both spit and howl after her words, and she stares resolutely forward, refusing to allow herself to shake with trauma and dark memories. They don't deserve her fear, her hurt. She has already given them everything she possibly could. There's nothing left here but hollow spaces and ice. "Who do you think?" It comes out flat. "Deimos did. And what reason did I have to doubt him?" He's her best friend, the man she's known a lifetime longer than either of the ones before her. Even if he had lied, it's nothing she can change now. "And evidently I meant the days after you chose Sunjata," she can't help but snap at Nate, even though the loudness of her voice is practically a whisper compared to their rage. Her composure and honesty is all she has left, though Hotaru isn't sure they deserve either at this point.
Composure that breaks as Sunjata forces his feelings down the bond like a knife, and Hotaru hisses like an angry cat, slamming down barriers between their minds in self defense. It hurts, and she hates that it hurts, because it's his own fault. And how dare he get to hurt when he has everything and she has nothing? "Do I look like I can fucking stop him? Seriously?" With offensive-based magic and a fourth of his size physically? Her only leverage is their history and friendship; any other idea is pathetically hilarious. Ripping her hands free of her dress she makes a wounded growling noise, half-feral and far from used to the instincts her shift has given her. "You wanna know how I fucking feel?!" The chair squeals in protest as she shifts on the spot, mountain lion form forcing it backwards because she knows she can't fight back when her own Attunement is still budding, bond still one-sided. A shrieking roar escapes her fanged maw, right at Sunjata, tail thrashing and claws gouging at stone. On the tail end of the noise is the endless, voidlike gravity of her emotions that she shoves right back down the bond.
A grief unlike anything they know firsthand, over Atlas. Because losing a loved one, a family member, it doesn't fucking compare to losing a soulmate. He can't deny her grief when it's staring him right in the face. Then the roiling turmoil of persistent love for them that she can't bleed out of herself, and hurt hurt hurt hurt, god it hurts, they never loved her and they moved on, to each other as she'd always feared. She didn't matter, it was all lies, and she'd believed it all over again after sharing everything with them and handing her weaknesses over on a silver platter. Loss, loneliness, and a disgust for herself so deep it seems like it grew with her in the womb. A disgust that she couldn't be what they wanted. All of it howling and sharp. An entire season worth of laying sleepless in her bed, missing them, while they reconciled and shared smiles and laughter to contrast her tears. And he will find no guilt, no shame, as he might cruelly expect. Only a heart far beyond broken; fragments ground repeatedly into smaller shards until they're nothing but dust.
Only when she begins to feel her threads of control unspool does she shift back to human form, tears sudden and fierce on her angrily twisted face, cheeks hot with temper as she quakes where she stands. Her eyes turn to Nate, burning cold. "I never wanted a baby with anyone but you!" it's screamed from a throat that's raw from restraining itself. "This is no gift, it's a fucking curse, you think I'd ever seek this out intentionally?" The latter half is lobbed accusingly at Sunjata, who knew exactly why Hotaru was so terrified to have kids again. Why she would have never done it with anyone but them, because she didn't trust anybody else nearly enough. "But you can paint me into some homewrecking bitch if that helps you sleep at night. Blame it all on me, when I didn't even set fire to the place, just so you don't have to suffer any fucking consequences or feel any guilt." Whirling back to Sunjata, breathing heavily, she wipes her bloody palms on her dress. "If you aren't willing to believe me, then I'm sure as hell not believing you when you say they were lies. Now are we done here, Governor?" The title is spit like something foul, and her hands ball at her sides as she forces her gaze away from them once more, trying to regain lost ground as she counts her heartbeats in her head.
and did letting go mean forever?
HOTARU
