my held breath fills the room with blood
hurting in ways I can't describe
“I intend to help Deimos in whatever it takes to endear him to Safrin, and to help Halo remain safe in the coming war.” Where that leaves her is still up in the air. “Deimos has tried to speak to her, but…well, she is in love. With Neron, an Ascended and the former disgraced Warden.” Would Seren even know of him, his various crimes? “She denied any bias or involvement, but your mother gave Deimos a necklace that tells him when someone is lying. And she gave him the information directly.” Far more than heresy.
Seren’s next question brings a hum of thoughtfulness. “That night…I don’t remember a lot of what I said. I was so angry and hurt. And I love - loved - Nate. I was just as blind as Morgan.” The past tense makes her twitch, shying away from someone that isn’t there. “So I considered her a threat to my family, yes. But my anger was never for Kamaria. And never - truly - for her, any of my words aside.” Words that had mostly been for him, but which Ru is sure had included Safrin.
“You see, Sunjata had promised me mere hours before that he would not go to your mother regarding children. Specifically, we had talked of creating a family with Nate - who, as an Ascended, cannot bring about biological life the same way. I asked him not to, and he agreed, because we knew the price would be too high. Because Safrin does not like the Ascended. And because Sunjata is hers, in a very…tangled way.” Sexual, emotional, Attunement, general possessiveness. “After losing so many of my own children, I didn’t want to go to her of all the Gods, because I knew Frey cared less about Ascended and people taking them as lovers than Safrin. I didn’t want any children of ours to be balanced on the precipice of war, and I didn’t want Sunjata to be beholden as one of her chosen.” Sighing she watches the flames, face pensive and pinched with memories.
“He went to her that very same night after promising me we would try other Gods first, and Kamaria was born as part of a deal to spare Nate in the war. Only Nate became a demigod of The Voice that same night, and the deal was moot.” And though it is no longer her worry, her burden, it is still a hurt that she feels keenly. “It was him that betrayed me. That broke such an important vow hours after making it. And I would have raised Kamaria, if she was not already so much older when she arrived. How could I compete as a mother, against Safrin no less?” Her head drops into her hands, and the heels of her palms press into her eyes.
“I never blamed Safrin - at least, not once I had my wits about me. But I am human. And I was so hurt. I can’t fault her for holding a grudge, or for thinking I blame her for Kamaria. I have forgiven gods for far worse acts done against me; my goddess killed my parents on Helovia. And I forgave her all the same.” But perhaps it’s wrong of her to compare the two. Perhaps Safrin is not so open to the idea of Hotaru having a grudge against Sunjata but not the goddess herself.
“I know it’s a lot to explain, but you deserve the whole story. Even if it puts all of us in a bad light.” At least Seren already knows about the stabbing incident. “And she may decide not to forgive me, or to hear me out. And I appreciate you telling her what I said, but at the end of the day she is the goddess. Not me. I can only do so much - but that’s why I want to do this, to protect Halo. To perhaps show her that I want to aid her in her fight.”
Seren’s next question brings a hum of thoughtfulness. “That night…I don’t remember a lot of what I said. I was so angry and hurt. And I love - loved - Nate. I was just as blind as Morgan.” The past tense makes her twitch, shying away from someone that isn’t there. “So I considered her a threat to my family, yes. But my anger was never for Kamaria. And never - truly - for her, any of my words aside.” Words that had mostly been for him, but which Ru is sure had included Safrin.
“You see, Sunjata had promised me mere hours before that he would not go to your mother regarding children. Specifically, we had talked of creating a family with Nate - who, as an Ascended, cannot bring about biological life the same way. I asked him not to, and he agreed, because we knew the price would be too high. Because Safrin does not like the Ascended. And because Sunjata is hers, in a very…tangled way.” Sexual, emotional, Attunement, general possessiveness. “After losing so many of my own children, I didn’t want to go to her of all the Gods, because I knew Frey cared less about Ascended and people taking them as lovers than Safrin. I didn’t want any children of ours to be balanced on the precipice of war, and I didn’t want Sunjata to be beholden as one of her chosen.” Sighing she watches the flames, face pensive and pinched with memories.
“He went to her that very same night after promising me we would try other Gods first, and Kamaria was born as part of a deal to spare Nate in the war. Only Nate became a demigod of The Voice that same night, and the deal was moot.” And though it is no longer her worry, her burden, it is still a hurt that she feels keenly. “It was him that betrayed me. That broke such an important vow hours after making it. And I would have raised Kamaria, if she was not already so much older when she arrived. How could I compete as a mother, against Safrin no less?” Her head drops into her hands, and the heels of her palms press into her eyes.
“I never blamed Safrin - at least, not once I had my wits about me. But I am human. And I was so hurt. I can’t fault her for holding a grudge, or for thinking I blame her for Kamaria. I have forgiven gods for far worse acts done against me; my goddess killed my parents on Helovia. And I forgave her all the same.” But perhaps it’s wrong of her to compare the two. Perhaps Safrin is not so open to the idea of Hotaru having a grudge against Sunjata but not the goddess herself.
“I know it’s a lot to explain, but you deserve the whole story. Even if it puts all of us in a bad light.” At least Seren already knows about the stabbing incident. “And she may decide not to forgive me, or to hear me out. And I appreciate you telling her what I said, but at the end of the day she is the goddess. Not me. I can only do so much - but that’s why I want to do this, to protect Halo. To perhaps show her that I want to aid her in her fight.”
my heart bends and breaks
so many, many times
HOTARU
