Hotaru
Sunjata -
I hope this letter finds you, wherever you are. I heard you had left Torchline, and stepped down as Governor. I hope wherever you and Nate have decided to put your roots, it brings you the peace and happiness you both deserve.
There’s so many things I feel I need to say. I don’t think there’s ink and parchment enough in the world to allow it, but I feel I have to try. I understand if you don’t read all the way through, or don’t open this letter at all, but at least I will have put the words down and sent them to you. I have to try. It is penance if nothing else.
Firstly, as I told Nate in his own letter, I did help burn the Advocates. Had I not been pregnant, I wouldn’t have felt the need to lie about my involvement. It wasn’t something I wanted to do, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect my children either. They were all I had in that moment, and even my desire to be honest with you could not overcome that. I know you asked me why, why I did it, but in that moment I don’t think you cared to feel how I felt, even feeling it through the bond. I don’t blame you for that. But you asked why - and so I’ll tell you, if I cannot show you.
You are the only soul I ever told about the people I’d loved before, and how badly they had hurt me. The scars they’d left me with, the insecurities they had beaten into me. Things even Deimos was never privy to. I trusted you with a part of me nobody else has ever seen, even before we were ever together. Things I’d never even had the chance to open up and share with Nate.
Despite my desire to be a mother again, I respected that you felt you could never be a parent. I was willing to forsake that desire for you, because I loved you so much, and being with you was enough for me.
There are deepening ink stains here where a pen had clearly hovered and hesitated around the word ‘loved’.
We didn’t leave on good terms, not really. I felt we did, in the moment. In reality I was running, because you had already hurt me more than I could have ever conceived, and I couldn’t stay and let you hurt me more. I had stayed so many times before. This time, I would be smart enough to run. Preserve what little remained. I thought I was breaking a cycle, one you had expressed once that you wished I had never been stuck in.
Part of me wished you hadn’t let me go, as hypocritical as it is to say - because you giving me the choice to make my own path was a contrasting kindness. But after I left I grieved in ways I never thought I’d grieve again. Losing you, losing the chance to be a mother with a family, losing Nate. You had taken everything, betrayed every confidence I’d placed in you. I had showed the most secret and vulnerable parts of myself, and you drove a knife into them like they were a painted target. I felt like didn’t even know how to breathe anymore. But I couldn’t allow myself to be angry - I never had before after all. It was clearly something lacking in me that was the cause. In all the times this had happened, I was clearly the common thread. I was - am - poison. And that poison infects everything I touch. I shouldered the burden, the blame. And I was barely living for nearly a season, wishing I’d never come back from that sickness. That I hadn’t survived at all, if it meant living with knowing all I’d done wrong.
And then Deimos told me of how you’d moved on.
So then maybe it wasn’t me. Or maybe it was. I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted you to feel my suffering. All I wanted then was to hurt you, but even at my worst I couldn’t commit to hurting you physically. I couldn’t stomach the idea. I thought - surely for once, I can be angry. I can hurt someone else, instead of being the wounded party time and time and time again. I saw you handing me the dagger on that bridge, telling me to stab you, and I lost all sight of anything else. Why not take the opportunity a second time, belatedly?
An empty building, a guild that barely breathed, it was easier to take my broken heart out on wood and stone than you.
And even then I was punished for feeling the way I did. I lost Atlas. And for all you loved Lusea, I have lost my own children - and even that pain cannot compare to having a bonded companion taken from you.
And then you both hated me for it. For a building that has yet to be fixed. And after losing Atlas I went to Frey, hoping someone would take me, would love me. I had nobody, nothing. And I found Remi there - and though I’d never wanted him, doubt I ever will, I saw only you and Nate in Frey’s face. And I was weak. I wanted one last moment of pretending I was yours, and well. We see what happened there. Just another ironic, cruel punishment. The motherhood I’d wanted, but ironclad in the surety that I would have to do it alone, and be hated by almost everyone for the mistake that created the opportunity.
I wish I could say I hated you. The closest I can come is saying I hate what you did. I hate that I thought things could be different. That I trusted you. But even so I still love you, both of you, and it’s laughably pathetic.
I did meet Kamaria, entirely by accident. She’s a beautiful girl, inside and out. I hope she’s adjusting well, wherever you are. I probably don’t have the right to say that, but I’ve never prescribed to rules before.
I know this is off topic, all of this, and drawn out considering. But if I only had one chance for you to read the words I had in my mind, I didn’t want to waste it. I hope that if you open this at all, I can put everything that needed to be said in one place. Explanation and news both.
Halo was taken back by Morgan by power of the Ascended. We had taken it in the first place under Safrin’s orders. I doubt she’ll be happy about it, which is why I wanted to reach out. Because the dragon that came - it was your form. I don’t want to believe it was you, and I won’t. Not until I hear from you directly. I won’t make the same mistake as last time. Perhaps it’s a lesson learned late, but learned all the same.
Were you there, that night? If so, I wanted you to have caution when next you visited Safrin, if you were unaware it had been her orders that led to the change in rule in the first place. Im sure she wouldn’t punish you for being unaware, but…well, I’m not sure what I intended to say here. Prepare a good gift, perhaps.
Anyways. I am in the Greatwood for now. I don’t know how long, or where I can even go. Living for the twins is all I can really do. There’s nothing left aside from them
This is the last closure I need, what little it is. To know I said my piece. Entirely honest, as you deserved the first time around had the situation not been what it was.
I love you, Jata. And I’m sorry.
Be safe. Please.
Ru
I hope this letter finds you, wherever you are. I heard you had left Torchline, and stepped down as Governor. I hope wherever you and Nate have decided to put your roots, it brings you the peace and happiness you both deserve.
There’s so many things I feel I need to say. I don’t think there’s ink and parchment enough in the world to allow it, but I feel I have to try. I understand if you don’t read all the way through, or don’t open this letter at all, but at least I will have put the words down and sent them to you. I have to try. It is penance if nothing else.
Firstly, as I told Nate in his own letter, I did help burn the Advocates. Had I not been pregnant, I wouldn’t have felt the need to lie about my involvement. It wasn’t something I wanted to do, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to protect my children either. They were all I had in that moment, and even my desire to be honest with you could not overcome that. I know you asked me why, why I did it, but in that moment I don’t think you cared to feel how I felt, even feeling it through the bond. I don’t blame you for that. But you asked why - and so I’ll tell you, if I cannot show you.
You are the only soul I ever told about the people I’d loved before, and how badly they had hurt me. The scars they’d left me with, the insecurities they had beaten into me. Things even Deimos was never privy to. I trusted you with a part of me nobody else has ever seen, even before we were ever together. Things I’d never even had the chance to open up and share with Nate.
Despite my desire to be a mother again, I respected that you felt you could never be a parent. I was willing to forsake that desire for you, because I loved you so much, and being with you was enough for me.
There are deepening ink stains here where a pen had clearly hovered and hesitated around the word ‘loved’.
We didn’t leave on good terms, not really. I felt we did, in the moment. In reality I was running, because you had already hurt me more than I could have ever conceived, and I couldn’t stay and let you hurt me more. I had stayed so many times before. This time, I would be smart enough to run. Preserve what little remained. I thought I was breaking a cycle, one you had expressed once that you wished I had never been stuck in.
Part of me wished you hadn’t let me go, as hypocritical as it is to say - because you giving me the choice to make my own path was a contrasting kindness. But after I left I grieved in ways I never thought I’d grieve again. Losing you, losing the chance to be a mother with a family, losing Nate. You had taken everything, betrayed every confidence I’d placed in you. I had showed the most secret and vulnerable parts of myself, and you drove a knife into them like they were a painted target. I felt like didn’t even know how to breathe anymore. But I couldn’t allow myself to be angry - I never had before after all. It was clearly something lacking in me that was the cause. In all the times this had happened, I was clearly the common thread. I was - am - poison. And that poison infects everything I touch. I shouldered the burden, the blame. And I was barely living for nearly a season, wishing I’d never come back from that sickness. That I hadn’t survived at all, if it meant living with knowing all I’d done wrong.
And then Deimos told me of how you’d moved on.
So then maybe it wasn’t me. Or maybe it was. I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted you to feel my suffering. All I wanted then was to hurt you, but even at my worst I couldn’t commit to hurting you physically. I couldn’t stomach the idea. I thought - surely for once, I can be angry. I can hurt someone else, instead of being the wounded party time and time and time again. I saw you handing me the dagger on that bridge, telling me to stab you, and I lost all sight of anything else. Why not take the opportunity a second time, belatedly?
An empty building, a guild that barely breathed, it was easier to take my broken heart out on wood and stone than you.
And even then I was punished for feeling the way I did. I lost Atlas. And for all you loved Lusea, I have lost my own children - and even that pain cannot compare to having a bonded companion taken from you.
And then you both hated me for it. For a building that has yet to be fixed. And after losing Atlas I went to Frey, hoping someone would take me, would love me. I had nobody, nothing. And I found Remi there - and though I’d never wanted him, doubt I ever will, I saw only you and Nate in Frey’s face. And I was weak. I wanted one last moment of pretending I was yours, and well. We see what happened there. Just another ironic, cruel punishment. The motherhood I’d wanted, but ironclad in the surety that I would have to do it alone, and be hated by almost everyone for the mistake that created the opportunity.
I wish I could say I hated you. The closest I can come is saying I hate what you did. I hate that I thought things could be different. That I trusted you. But even so I still love you, both of you, and it’s laughably pathetic.
I did meet Kamaria, entirely by accident. She’s a beautiful girl, inside and out. I hope she’s adjusting well, wherever you are. I probably don’t have the right to say that, but I’ve never prescribed to rules before.
I know this is off topic, all of this, and drawn out considering. But if I only had one chance for you to read the words I had in my mind, I didn’t want to waste it. I hope that if you open this at all, I can put everything that needed to be said in one place. Explanation and news both.
Halo was taken back by Morgan by power of the Ascended. We had taken it in the first place under Safrin’s orders. I doubt she’ll be happy about it, which is why I wanted to reach out. Because the dragon that came - it was your form. I don’t want to believe it was you, and I won’t. Not until I hear from you directly. I won’t make the same mistake as last time. Perhaps it’s a lesson learned late, but learned all the same.
Were you there, that night? If so, I wanted you to have caution when next you visited Safrin, if you were unaware it had been her orders that led to the change in rule in the first place. Im sure she wouldn’t punish you for being unaware, but…well, I’m not sure what I intended to say here. Prepare a good gift, perhaps.
Anyways. I am in the Greatwood for now. I don’t know how long, or where I can even go. Living for the twins is all I can really do. There’s nothing left aside from them
This is the last closure I need, what little it is. To know I said my piece. Entirely honest, as you deserved the first time around had the situation not been what it was.
I love you, Jata. And I’m sorry.
Be safe. Please.
Ru
