You're so cold
but you feel alive
It hadn't been for sympathy that she told him all of this. Just a feeble way to explain, to perhaps put her actions into a better context. Confidence and open mindedness had cost her in the past, and just as she was afraid of hurting more people... Maea was afraid of being hurt again, too.
She flinched at first when Amun touched her, but soon enough she reached out and put her hand over his. Grateful that he wasn't leaving. That he didn't mention some of the confessions she had dropped like so many bombs. At some point she knew she'd have to explain herself... but hopefully not right now.
"I thought I did run towards something, Amun," she replied, after hearing his response. "I had love. I had Ludo. I even had you. It was more than I thought I'd ever have again, after everything. It just... what I thought was real turned out not to be." Her jaw worked, shifting as if stiffened by the words. "Of all the things, you're the only one who is still here. And you're why I'm still here, too. So. Don't worry... I won't do anything stupid."
At least that much she could promise. There was no escape to be found; and she didn't want to leave him.
"I never meant to deny anyone their choice of how to live," she went on. This part was tricky, because it was true that she didn't love what she had become. "But you have to understand, I spent all my life raised in the understanding that the Voice was the root cause of all our suffering. And in fact she is the cause of my familys death. I did not Ascend because of any love or loyalty towards her. I did it because it gave me a way back to Sunjata. It was not a good reason; not when things turned out the way they did."
Maea had no concept of what a 'pact with the devil' entailed, but in essence that's how she saw herself in this. And it was painful to know that it was offensive to people she cared about.
"I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being Ascended. I just berate myself for going back on everything I thought I stood for - over a man who doesn't even want me. I don't think I would even mind the Voice, if it didn't feel so... I don't know how to put it. So forced? I don't know why she's doing what she does. I don't understand what is so important that she has to go to war against the Old Gods over it. I never wanted, or needed, eternity, or to be apart from the rest of the world. And now I'm in a position where I might have to fight for an existence I'm not even sure I believe in?"
She shrugged helplessly. Knew it probably didn't make Amun feel any better.
"I do love you, though. If It's a choice between keeping you alive and having to watch you die, I'll fight for however long it takes." It was the best she could offer, at this point in time. Didn't make it feel any more right or just - only selfish. How many would have to die for the sake of selfishness? How many had died already...
She flinched at first when Amun touched her, but soon enough she reached out and put her hand over his. Grateful that he wasn't leaving. That he didn't mention some of the confessions she had dropped like so many bombs. At some point she knew she'd have to explain herself... but hopefully not right now.
"I thought I did run towards something, Amun," she replied, after hearing his response. "I had love. I had Ludo. I even had you. It was more than I thought I'd ever have again, after everything. It just... what I thought was real turned out not to be." Her jaw worked, shifting as if stiffened by the words. "Of all the things, you're the only one who is still here. And you're why I'm still here, too. So. Don't worry... I won't do anything stupid."
At least that much she could promise. There was no escape to be found; and she didn't want to leave him.
"I never meant to deny anyone their choice of how to live," she went on. This part was tricky, because it was true that she didn't love what she had become. "But you have to understand, I spent all my life raised in the understanding that the Voice was the root cause of all our suffering. And in fact she is the cause of my familys death. I did not Ascend because of any love or loyalty towards her. I did it because it gave me a way back to Sunjata. It was not a good reason; not when things turned out the way they did."
Maea had no concept of what a 'pact with the devil' entailed, but in essence that's how she saw herself in this. And it was painful to know that it was offensive to people she cared about.
"I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being Ascended. I just berate myself for going back on everything I thought I stood for - over a man who doesn't even want me. I don't think I would even mind the Voice, if it didn't feel so... I don't know how to put it. So forced? I don't know why she's doing what she does. I don't understand what is so important that she has to go to war against the Old Gods over it. I never wanted, or needed, eternity, or to be apart from the rest of the world. And now I'm in a position where I might have to fight for an existence I'm not even sure I believe in?"
She shrugged helplessly. Knew it probably didn't make Amun feel any better.
"I do love you, though. If It's a choice between keeping you alive and having to watch you die, I'll fight for however long it takes." It was the best she could offer, at this point in time. Didn't make it feel any more right or just - only selfish. How many would have to die for the sake of selfishness? How many had died already...
lay your hands on me
one last time
MAEA
