Hotaru
Somewhere my lifeline still hums and sings
In the mess of all I have thrown away
His surprise isn't unexpected given what he'd been thinking all these years, so Hotaru can only give him a small, understanding smile. "Yeah, oh." She still can't bring herself to regret it happening even with all the pain it brought her over the years. In the mess of all I have thrown away
But sometimes she does wonder if maybe things would have been different if her lovers had joined her at the shrine that day instead of Remi.
Hotaru doesn't know what else to do but stand there and hold his hand, calm and attentive, shoulders strong enough to carry his burdens after years of finding reasons to stay alive and continue on. If anyone can understand the tangled, twisted depths of his reasoning it's her. All she wonders is - how long has he been carrying this around, waiting for someone to listen?
It should be shocking. It should make her reel. But she can only tighten her hand around his, holding firmly instead of squeezing, as she gives him a pained smile. I considered asking Ludo to take my womb to bring back Atlas, she confesses, reaching out to him in the same way through the bond. Remi did not think it would be possible, and then I had the twins after, and their birth was so hard I hoped it would ruin me anyway. Though she glances away here, she doesn't bother closing the bond - she doesn't want to stop being vulnerable, but she can't look into his eyes either. I would have considered it again but by then I was sure I'd never let anyone close enough again to risk it. The hookups I had, I ensured had three measures of safety. And even then she'd still considered it.
Except -
"I understand, Sunny. Clearly I do. But if you ask, I think you should have it be temporary or otherwise consciously controlled." Shaking her head slightly, already regretting having put her hair up where it can't hide her profile, Hotaru shrugs gracelessly. {as}"You never know where life will take you next. Adoption is as valid as birth, but I don't want you to regret your decision someday in the future. Even if it's only a maybe." Tilting her face back to him, she offers a tremulous smile and squeezes his hand, wondering when she'd relaxed her grip. "I don't want to see you keep suffering. You deserve to safeguard yourself against regrets and disappointments - even from yourself." Because he may not think he'll ever heal from this, but Hotaru doesn't want to see him take that chance.
Hungry now,
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide
I am gathering new seeds to throw wide
