With every broken bone, I swear I lived
It was very much a spur of the moment confession. Borderline self-sabotage, like ripping the bandaid before the wound was fully healed so that she wouldn't learn to depend upon it. People made poor foundations to build a life around, and Maea did not want to hurt herself on expecting things that they couldn't give.
But it seemed she had underestimated Harper's ability to accept her darkness, yet again. Her fingers ached in the strength of his grasp, and her heart bled but it really was her mind that reeled the most over his lack of reaction and the simple fact that he was not drawing away.
And honestly... neither did she. Even though the weight of those lives was unimaginable to her, who had only ever killed once in self preservation, she no more resented Harper than she had Remi, after witnessing his work for Ludo. Oddly enough, all she felt about it was a sort of kinship with the person beside her, and it had her shifting in her seat so that she could lean more fully into Harper's side, her chin coming to rest on his shoulder. Maybe from an attempt to comfort him, or herself, or maybe she was just too starved for closeness to care if it hurt in the long run... It didn't really matter. He was warm, and she was not, and that might be reason enough.
"I always hunt," she replied, sharing with him the only solution she had found as of yet. "Whether I'm hungry or not... I go after small game. It never fully satisfies, but I also never get so ravenous that I lose myself. It has worked so far... but it's like an alcoholic who takes a shot of gin before going to work every day. I can't imagine it won't be harmful in the long run." How long could she endure the constant simmer beneath her skin? How long until she slipped up, or wore her resolve into the ground?
She felt like one of those geysers on the Rainbow road, just before they erupted. Surface smooth and shimmering, even as pressure mounted from beneath. They always erupted in the end, and only those who knew what to look for ever read the signs. Would anyone know to keep their distance when she finally lost it? Would anyone even care to stop her, once she did?
"Do you ever wish someone would hold you accountable for what you've done?" she asked, a quiet murmur close to his ear. "I get so sick of my own hypocrisy... I hated and feared Ascended for what their bites could force people to feel, yet I might be the only one of them who actually assaulted anyone. And I lauded myself on being moral and just but the moment I got hurt, I threw it all to the wind and lashed out, like a petulant child. And instead of leaving myself over to anyone who can actually make me pay for my crimes, I run back here, where no one cares what I do or where I go."
Pale eyes colored with the faintest touch of lavender flicked up to regard Harper's profile. She heard what he was saying, yet it seemed impossible to let herself off the hook, inconcievable to forgive herself for failing her own standards.
"Is there anything you couldn't ever forgive? Where do you draw the line?"
But it seemed she had underestimated Harper's ability to accept her darkness, yet again. Her fingers ached in the strength of his grasp, and her heart bled but it really was her mind that reeled the most over his lack of reaction and the simple fact that he was not drawing away.
And honestly... neither did she. Even though the weight of those lives was unimaginable to her, who had only ever killed once in self preservation, she no more resented Harper than she had Remi, after witnessing his work for Ludo. Oddly enough, all she felt about it was a sort of kinship with the person beside her, and it had her shifting in her seat so that she could lean more fully into Harper's side, her chin coming to rest on his shoulder. Maybe from an attempt to comfort him, or herself, or maybe she was just too starved for closeness to care if it hurt in the long run... It didn't really matter. He was warm, and she was not, and that might be reason enough.
"I always hunt," she replied, sharing with him the only solution she had found as of yet. "Whether I'm hungry or not... I go after small game. It never fully satisfies, but I also never get so ravenous that I lose myself. It has worked so far... but it's like an alcoholic who takes a shot of gin before going to work every day. I can't imagine it won't be harmful in the long run." How long could she endure the constant simmer beneath her skin? How long until she slipped up, or wore her resolve into the ground?
She felt like one of those geysers on the Rainbow road, just before they erupted. Surface smooth and shimmering, even as pressure mounted from beneath. They always erupted in the end, and only those who knew what to look for ever read the signs. Would anyone know to keep their distance when she finally lost it? Would anyone even care to stop her, once she did?
"Do you ever wish someone would hold you accountable for what you've done?" she asked, a quiet murmur close to his ear. "I get so sick of my own hypocrisy... I hated and feared Ascended for what their bites could force people to feel, yet I might be the only one of them who actually assaulted anyone. And I lauded myself on being moral and just but the moment I got hurt, I threw it all to the wind and lashed out, like a petulant child. And instead of leaving myself over to anyone who can actually make me pay for my crimes, I run back here, where no one cares what I do or where I go."
Pale eyes colored with the faintest touch of lavender flicked up to regard Harper's profile. She heard what he was saying, yet it seemed impossible to let herself off the hook, inconcievable to forgive herself for failing her own standards.
"Is there anything you couldn't ever forgive? Where do you draw the line?"
maea
