Amalia
A deeper conversation is all I want from you-
His instructions come again, softer now, gentler, as though he can sense her hesitancy, can see the things she thinks and feels. Does he know how weak she is, how terrified and insecure? Can he see the scene that plays out behind her eyes, blood spraying out into the dawn, staining the moment (every moment) they share? The deep timbre of his voice is a lifeboat in her storm; she clings to it, gazes up into his eyes, seeking solace in the color of the sky. Save me, she screams into the silence, I don't want this, I don't want this."I do have to," the girl replies, something hard and brittle in her voice.
Once upon a time Amalia could be ignorant, innocent, innocuous, wrapped between the pages of books, in the safety of prayer. She could live on stories, thrive on myth, hide from the sun, overlooked and forgotten, lonely and alone but at least safe. You cannot lose anyone when you have nobody left to lose; you do not have to protect the world, when you've shut the world out.
But while Amalia wasn't looking, distracted and fascinated by the light in his eyes, the world has crept in, insidious, cruel, leaving her once again exposed.
Her fingers clench around the knife, and she remembers why she chose it, what it said to her in those moments. If she is to hurt anyone, to cut and wound, she has to mean it - it has to be intentional, and she has to be ready to live with the memory of holding their blood against her hand, seeing the intimacy of their pain and knowing it is a choice she made. "Again." Her voice is a whisper, a plea, resigned: I have to do this, help me through this, I hate it but I have to try. Raising the blade as he instructed, the Shield brings it slashing down once again, higher this time, faster, trusting him to catch her, hating the way the metal sings as it dances through the air.
Hating herself, because somewhere deep down, a part of her enjoys this.
- I want the words you're afraid to say:
the lonely ones you keep hidden
between the folds of your heart
