LOREN
Unsurprisingly, Rexanna brushed off Loren’s response about the sea though she did appear to be at least a little bit amused by it. Small victories. Still, she seemed far more interested in his explanation about his summons. Her reply was an understatement if he’d ever heard one, though. ”Yes. It’s not something I’m looking forward to testing again anytime soon.” Unlike Attuned who could shift into a bird, his flying was definitely not innate.
The bright smile she sent his way caused him to smile back at her tentatively; the expression stayed there as she held him gently before they figured out a more optimal arrangement of limbs. His reaction to her hug had been genuine surprise and not adverse in the slightest. ”Well. I feel that I’ve told you this in much starker terms, but I don’t know what friends are for, really.” Indeed, he’d only really had two friends, and both of them had tried to sleep with him. Or vice versa: he wasn’t unwilling to accept how he’d been complicit in those interactions.
At the blue-eyed woman’s next words, the Launceleyn found himself awkwardly tensing. As soon as he noticed, he forced himself to relax. ”Oh. You’re, um, welcome?” He wasn’t exactly sure what he was supposed to do or say in response to that statement, but it was probably the exact opposite of what he’d done. It didn’t help that he fell silent for a while as he thought about what he wanted to ask—partially because he didn’t know what was actually bothering him and partially because he had no idea how to articulate it—brow furrowed all the while.
Eventually the summoner thought he had at least the outlines of it. ”This might come out wrong, so, apologies in advance and probably best to let me finish." He took a deep and bracing breath. "I...I don’t mind being responsible for people’s health, safety, and well-being. On top of that, I want people to be happy, I really do.” He found his head drifting to one side to rest on top of the Ascended’s, assuming she’d allow it. ”But I don’t...I haven’t figured out how to be happy, myself. And I can’t, I don’t know if I can be responsible for other people’s happiness, especially when it...conflicts with my own desires.” He let out a huff of annoyed air. Apparently he wasn’t as ready as he’d thought. ”Sorry. That wasn’t a question. Um...while I’m trying to figure out...who I am and what I want, how can I stop feeling guilty about others’ judgments? Especially because...they can’t know me, because I barely know myself.”
That was a terrible way to phrase it, he realized, and he figured he should just tell her what had prompted all this. ”I’m asking because everyone keeps telling me to let go of the past. But...Remi said that he was bothered by the thought of the Ascended biting me, jealous even. And he said that he often thought of what might have been if I hadn’t...left.” Gone crazy, but the details weren’t important. ”And I’m already plagued with enough self-doubt and constantly think about what ifs. I...don’t know how to deal with that from others on top of my own.” Well, one other, at least one other who’d articulated it so clearly. However, Loren had encountered people beyond Remi. While the Launceleyn was his harshest critic, he hadn't exactly endeared himself to many in the Hollowed Grounds.
”Plus I don’t...I mean, I’m lonely. I know you mean well, and I do want to be your friend, and I have Beatrix and Jace, and Peter, kind of, but I don’t...there aren’t people I’m close to. And, when, or if, I guess, I find them, I don’t want to feel guilty because I’m making others feel bad, or jealous, or upset because I...want to at least find pleasure, if not happiness with someone else.” He fell silent, eyes distant for a moment. Realizing he’d failed to actually wrap up his explanation, he glanced over at the blue-eyed woman a guiltily. ”Uhhhh, that’s it. Sorry. It’s...silly.” He could already feel his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.
The bright smile she sent his way caused him to smile back at her tentatively; the expression stayed there as she held him gently before they figured out a more optimal arrangement of limbs. His reaction to her hug had been genuine surprise and not adverse in the slightest. ”Well. I feel that I’ve told you this in much starker terms, but I don’t know what friends are for, really.” Indeed, he’d only really had two friends, and both of them had tried to sleep with him. Or vice versa: he wasn’t unwilling to accept how he’d been complicit in those interactions.
At the blue-eyed woman’s next words, the Launceleyn found himself awkwardly tensing. As soon as he noticed, he forced himself to relax. ”Oh. You’re, um, welcome?” He wasn’t exactly sure what he was supposed to do or say in response to that statement, but it was probably the exact opposite of what he’d done. It didn’t help that he fell silent for a while as he thought about what he wanted to ask—partially because he didn’t know what was actually bothering him and partially because he had no idea how to articulate it—brow furrowed all the while.
Eventually the summoner thought he had at least the outlines of it. ”This might come out wrong, so, apologies in advance and probably best to let me finish." He took a deep and bracing breath. "I...I don’t mind being responsible for people’s health, safety, and well-being. On top of that, I want people to be happy, I really do.” He found his head drifting to one side to rest on top of the Ascended’s, assuming she’d allow it. ”But I don’t...I haven’t figured out how to be happy, myself. And I can’t, I don’t know if I can be responsible for other people’s happiness, especially when it...conflicts with my own desires.” He let out a huff of annoyed air. Apparently he wasn’t as ready as he’d thought. ”Sorry. That wasn’t a question. Um...while I’m trying to figure out...who I am and what I want, how can I stop feeling guilty about others’ judgments? Especially because...they can’t know me, because I barely know myself.”
That was a terrible way to phrase it, he realized, and he figured he should just tell her what had prompted all this. ”I’m asking because everyone keeps telling me to let go of the past. But...Remi said that he was bothered by the thought of the Ascended biting me, jealous even. And he said that he often thought of what might have been if I hadn’t...left.” Gone crazy, but the details weren’t important. ”And I’m already plagued with enough self-doubt and constantly think about what ifs. I...don’t know how to deal with that from others on top of my own.” Well, one other, at least one other who’d articulated it so clearly. However, Loren had encountered people beyond Remi. While the Launceleyn was his harshest critic, he hadn't exactly endeared himself to many in the Hollowed Grounds.
”Plus I don’t...I mean, I’m lonely. I know you mean well, and I do want to be your friend, and I have Beatrix and Jace, and Peter, kind of, but I don’t...there aren’t people I’m close to. And, when, or if, I guess, I find them, I don’t want to feel guilty because I’m making others feel bad, or jealous, or upset because I...want to at least find pleasure, if not happiness with someone else.” He fell silent, eyes distant for a moment. Realizing he’d failed to actually wrap up his explanation, he glanced over at the blue-eyed woman a guiltily. ”Uhhhh, that’s it. Sorry. It’s...silly.” He could already feel his cheeks reddening with embarrassment.
REXANNA
