He hesitated as she pulled away, surprised and stung at the rejection for a moment, but only for that long. Amalia had always been one to pull away from comfort, to deny herself the forgiveness and patience she gave to others, and he had mistaken her new strength as a change in that. He had been badly frightened by what had happened in the Library - afraid of people being lost, of trust taken too far and challenges that were beyond any one of them alone. He had let that fear come out in patronizing words and a distance that he tried to build to protect himself from that chance of loss that he had so recently worried over.
It was who he was.
But it was not who he wanted to be.
For once he did not respect personal space or her pulling away. She would have to move farther than that as he stepped forward deliberately to try and enfold her in a hug - a gentle thing, but a secure one if she let him put his arms around her.
"Amalia Chandrakant, I will always need you," he whispered fiercely. "I am terrible about showing it, and I am sorry for that, but I rely on you for so much more than I have any right to." He swallowed hard, letting his ears shift from human to fox, an intimacy he couldn't explain but still a display of trust and affection as he filled the Attuned bond between them with the desperate, broken love he had for the baker who had become a precious sister.
"'All you do' is give me strength and light and hope. You make me better and I am terrified of losing you, as I have lost others. I'm terrified of losing anyone else, but you and Rory most of all." And that was the problem, wasn't it? He took so much from her, and gave nothing back. Others were endlessly supportive, endlessly trusting, endlessly patient, and he? He was the critical one, the one who clung so tightly to what he loved that it slipped from his hands because he didn't know how to let go.
If he had even been allowed to hold her at all he would step back then, forcing his hands not to shake as he folded them into the protection of his wide sleeves. "But I give you only sharp edges and harsh words," he said softly, his thoughts slipping from his tongue like pebbles in a still pond, sending ripples across his psyche as he looked at her with a fox's blue eyes. "And you have so much more and better than that now. You deserve so much better." Deimos and Kiada and Remi and Ronin... all of the Settlement, really, who treated their Shield with awe and respect. "If you truly don't wish to accompany me anymore, I would understand," he said, the painful words pulled from his heart and laid at her feet without masks or any attempt to hide what they cost him in pain and fear that she would choose exactly that. "But... Amalia, you will always be welcome at my side. In this world, or any other."
It was who he was.
But it was not who he wanted to be.
For once he did not respect personal space or her pulling away. She would have to move farther than that as he stepped forward deliberately to try and enfold her in a hug - a gentle thing, but a secure one if she let him put his arms around her.
"Amalia Chandrakant, I will always need you," he whispered fiercely. "I am terrible about showing it, and I am sorry for that, but I rely on you for so much more than I have any right to." He swallowed hard, letting his ears shift from human to fox, an intimacy he couldn't explain but still a display of trust and affection as he filled the Attuned bond between them with the desperate, broken love he had for the baker who had become a precious sister.
"'All you do' is give me strength and light and hope. You make me better and I am terrified of losing you, as I have lost others. I'm terrified of losing anyone else, but you and Rory most of all." And that was the problem, wasn't it? He took so much from her, and gave nothing back. Others were endlessly supportive, endlessly trusting, endlessly patient, and he? He was the critical one, the one who clung so tightly to what he loved that it slipped from his hands because he didn't know how to let go.
If he had even been allowed to hold her at all he would step back then, forcing his hands not to shake as he folded them into the protection of his wide sleeves. "But I give you only sharp edges and harsh words," he said softly, his thoughts slipping from his tongue like pebbles in a still pond, sending ripples across his psyche as he looked at her with a fox's blue eyes. "And you have so much more and better than that now. You deserve so much better." Deimos and Kiada and Remi and Ronin... all of the Settlement, really, who treated their Shield with awe and respect. "If you truly don't wish to accompany me anymore, I would understand," he said, the painful words pulled from his heart and laid at her feet without masks or any attempt to hide what they cost him in pain and fear that she would choose exactly that. "But... Amalia, you will always be welcome at my side. In this world, or any other."
