what's this

Was Jigano to be trusted? Oliver wasn't too sure. Already, he felt far more comfortable with Jigano than he had with almost anyone else. Still, he recently had started to realize that maybe he trusted others a bit too much. Due to his lack of memories, Oliver only knew what had happened in the Hollowed Grounds. There were so many people that he viewed as friends who barely even considered him an acquaintance, most likely. It sucked because there were so many people that he'd be excited to see, only for them to care very little for him. He felt like he meant nothing to so many people, when those very same people meant the entire world to him as they were all he knew. Maybe that's why he was so starved for the attention of the gods: he wanted to feel wanted and accepted. Needed and like at least someone wanted him in Caido. Maybe Jigano did have a point with Phoebe. Oliver hadn't considered that Phoebe could be biased due to her being an Accepted. Still, he felt very embarrassed reflecting back to their conversation. She was a nice person, but she made him feel inferior. The way she scolded him and lectured him. Then again, wasn't he inferior in some way? He didn't know all that much and he was far less helpful than her. She was miles better than him, so maybe she had a right to be upset with him... One of the things making it hard for Oliver was that Jigano admitted that the gods did have bad sides. That it wasn't always glitter and rainbows, but how could he live a pure life fully respecting them when he knew how horrible they could be? Oliver didn't want to hate them but he had so much resentment. He wanted to be wanted and needed so bad. Some people say that being an Abandoned is a gift, like Loren. Maybe he's right, in a way. Loren was a gift to Caido. He had helped so many people. But Oliver? His powers were useless for now. He wanted to feel like he was gifted, but right now? He felt cursed. "How can I fix my heart? I want to be accepted...I want them to want me and I want to be useful. I want to show the gods my dedication to them and I don't want to hate them...I don't want to resent them or think bad things of them." I want to be attuned. Sunjata had become attuned and he was so much happier. Maybe he could be attuned too? That was wishful thinking...but maybe, just maybe, if he fixed his heart and showed his true dedication, he could become attuned as well? "I don't want to feel anger, trust me. I really do want to like them. My anger still comes out no matter how hard I want to get rid of it and I'm so scared that I will never be wanted because of it." Yet again he was ranting to Jigano. God dammit Oliver you idiot. Shaking his head, Oliver took a very deep swig of the tea, happy to feel the intense warmth it brought. "I don't know too much, but I know a small bit. Frey is a god of sex. Looks really sexy. Safrin is...I'm not sure, but I know they made Sunjata an attuned and that they kissed him to do it." Yeah...Oliver didn't know much at all. OLIVER i saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and i could do anything i wanted