over and over again

M  A   E    A I talked to God to no avail Said, "If you won't save me, please don't waste my time." Just like that, the fun was gone. How was it that she could see only reassuring friendliness one moment, and a hidden threat behind every glance the next? It wasn't right, and it wasn't fair, but damn it if she could stop herself from inching just a little bit further away from him. Not that it mattered, not that it would make a difference if he decided to do anything. But see, it wasn't so much the teeth or the abnormal speed as it was the memory of stalking footsteps somewhere behind her on a dark street, a stream of sticky silver shimmering through the air as a head tumbled off its shoulders, and the overpowering stench of petrichor in the air as a gentle voice told her to please mind her own fucking business. Memories that were too fresh, too close, that came welling down upon her like an avalanche, with no care for timing or the fact that she was being rude to someone who'd only been kind so far. "I'm sorry" she murmured, barely more than a whisper that shouldn't have carried over the wind. "It's not that... they locked my people in too, and it's not... Just bad experience, okay? Nothing personal..." If only she could explain it, even to herself. But fear was like that, sometimes. Irrational, unwarranted - or was it? - and completely pointless. It was ridiculous, really. Sam was ascended, and she didn't mind him at all. Kristopher... had been, and he had frightened her, and enjoyed seeing her fear. Then he had died... and it changed nothing. Then there was Wessex, who cared nothing for her and never had, even when Maea tried to help. And where did that leave Amun? A big unanswered riddle. A question that didn't like to give answers, with unknown goals, wants and needs... and perhaps it was the unknown about it all that scared her the most. This is where Jigano and the other loreseekers would urge her to step forward and ask questions. To challenge her fears and go looking for the deeper truth, the hidden knowledge she desired. But Maea... only bowed her head and wove her trembling fingers into the shawl, holding tight as though her life depended on it. "I'm sorry" she said again.