His retort troubled her. The recount of how he'd felt upon losing the magic he'd apparently always had went contrary to what Maea had come to believe. She recalled her own answer to Ludo, when asked if she would give it up, and wondered again if it really would be so simple. Back then she had said yes, and she would answer the same again if asked it now; but to have it taken away without a choice? To reach out for the undercurrent that had always been there, and come up with nothing?
Against her will she shuddered, and was again troubled by how deep the connection to the magic truly ran. Indeed a part of her soul. Intrinsical to her being, her nature.
Chastened by the firm way he refused her poor attempt to suggest he would never truly need the magic to help others if that's truly what he wanted - hadn't he done so before? - she lowered her eyes and listened to the rest without interrupting. The part about the Launceleyns was new indeed, and it shocked her to realize how bad things could have become in the Grounds. The reasoning he gave was sound, far more in line with what she expected from the Loreseekers than she'd feared, and it was a task to which she could devote herself without doubt.
"I understand. If that is indeed the case then I will be happy to help you any way I can. Thank you for offering, it really means a lot."
As for the rest... Maea felt she owed him an explanation for her attitude on the topic of magic.
"I'm... I'm sorry if I went too far. I just... have not come to terms with what I feel about these powers." She looked around for the stone and sank back down on it, looking small and weary in the night. "All my life I've been taught that magic is a bad thing. It brought the Cataclysm upon the world, locked us into the barrier and robbed us of the god's favor. At best it's somewhat practical, at worst it's a danger to the order of this world, and no matter what I do I will never be able to get rid of it.
"But though I never wanted it or asked for it, I'm judged for having it, criticized if I use it by some and if I don't by others. Ludo said to use it modestly, under the eyes of the Old Gods, but I have no idea what that actually means. Do I seek it, try to improve on it, or not? Do I use it only when the gods call me to do so? Is it better to let it rot and die away, or make the best of what I'm born with?
"Even if it's not what Vi intended, according to Rae's design, embraced by Mort's mercy?"
Though her voice was low and soft, there was an undercurrent of tired frustration. How many times had she chewed over the same questions without ever finding an answer? None was likely to come, neither from Jigano nor the gods of Caido, and she had yet to settle on an opinion of her own. All she knew was that the topic frightened her. Her own delight in the small miracles she could create was terrifying, and all the voices throughout her upbringing had always screamed that what she did was wrong.
So how could she love it? Didn't that make her into the same terrifying sinners who had risen against their creators and brought the world to ruin? The same kind of awful as the Voice?
Against her will she shuddered, and was again troubled by how deep the connection to the magic truly ran. Indeed a part of her soul. Intrinsical to her being, her nature.
Chastened by the firm way he refused her poor attempt to suggest he would never truly need the magic to help others if that's truly what he wanted - hadn't he done so before? - she lowered her eyes and listened to the rest without interrupting. The part about the Launceleyns was new indeed, and it shocked her to realize how bad things could have become in the Grounds. The reasoning he gave was sound, far more in line with what she expected from the Loreseekers than she'd feared, and it was a task to which she could devote herself without doubt.
"I understand. If that is indeed the case then I will be happy to help you any way I can. Thank you for offering, it really means a lot."
As for the rest... Maea felt she owed him an explanation for her attitude on the topic of magic.
"I'm... I'm sorry if I went too far. I just... have not come to terms with what I feel about these powers." She looked around for the stone and sank back down on it, looking small and weary in the night. "All my life I've been taught that magic is a bad thing. It brought the Cataclysm upon the world, locked us into the barrier and robbed us of the god's favor. At best it's somewhat practical, at worst it's a danger to the order of this world, and no matter what I do I will never be able to get rid of it.
"But though I never wanted it or asked for it, I'm judged for having it, criticized if I use it by some and if I don't by others. Ludo said to use it modestly, under the eyes of the Old Gods, but I have no idea what that actually means. Do I seek it, try to improve on it, or not? Do I use it only when the gods call me to do so? Is it better to let it rot and die away, or make the best of what I'm born with?
"Even if it's not what Vi intended, according to Rae's design, embraced by Mort's mercy?"
Though her voice was low and soft, there was an undercurrent of tired frustration. How many times had she chewed over the same questions without ever finding an answer? None was likely to come, neither from Jigano nor the gods of Caido, and she had yet to settle on an opinion of her own. All she knew was that the topic frightened her. Her own delight in the small miracles she could create was terrifying, and all the voices throughout her upbringing had always screamed that what she did was wrong.
So how could she love it? Didn't that make her into the same terrifying sinners who had risen against their creators and brought the world to ruin? The same kind of awful as the Voice?
