so you say you want a deathbed scene, the knowledge that comes
before knowledge
before knowledge
and you want it dirty
Nate catches the rising brow at his trick, and can’t resist the sly wink. It’s easier to not feel bad about... well, the last day, last few hours, if he’s playing the fool, making it all into a joke. It had always been his first line of defense, though it didn’t really occur to Nate that this wasn’t really a situation he needed defending in. The hurt would be over faster if he could let it in. But he can’t, so he just tips his head back searching the ceiling like somehow it held the answers to the questions he didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it, not in relation to himself, not in relation to the man beside him. Nate wanted to treat it like some hypothetical, as much as he could manage.
The facade he’s so carefully erecting only works if it isn’t disturbed though, and the acknowledgement from the other man does a hell of a lot of disturbing. Nate’s gaze comes back to earth suddenly, a hand coming up to rub at his brow. ”No. no it’s not...” Can’t quite say not your fault and have it seem sincere at all, so he moves on. ”I did know, so...” He shrugs, an irritation lurking in the gesture’s manic execution. An irritation at himself, not that it would necessarily come across like that. He was irritated that he could even think Sunjata shared any of the blame, when he was Nate’s patient; he was irritated that he had done this at all; and he was irritated that he was going around in circles like this.
At least the smokes, and the words that accompany them, bring a wry smile to Nate’s lips, a huff of laughter escaping his nose as he pulls another one out and lights it, smoking it normally for the time being. It’s more for the muscle memory than the nicotine anyway. ”You wouldn’t give a shit if I wasn’t right here.” He quips back, tucking the pack into the pocket of his jacket. It was a small mercy that he’d actually been wearing it, and hadn’t left it behind in the house. It was his favourite.
”So...” Nate looked over at Sunjata properly, smoke pouring out of his mouth along with the words. ”What now?” His brows were raised in quiet consideration, and even he wasn’t sure how serious he was being. It depended on the answer, he guessed.
The facade he’s so carefully erecting only works if it isn’t disturbed though, and the acknowledgement from the other man does a hell of a lot of disturbing. Nate’s gaze comes back to earth suddenly, a hand coming up to rub at his brow. ”No. no it’s not...” Can’t quite say not your fault and have it seem sincere at all, so he moves on. ”I did know, so...” He shrugs, an irritation lurking in the gesture’s manic execution. An irritation at himself, not that it would necessarily come across like that. He was irritated that he could even think Sunjata shared any of the blame, when he was Nate’s patient; he was irritated that he had done this at all; and he was irritated that he was going around in circles like this.
At least the smokes, and the words that accompany them, bring a wry smile to Nate’s lips, a huff of laughter escaping his nose as he pulls another one out and lights it, smoking it normally for the time being. It’s more for the muscle memory than the nicotine anyway. ”You wouldn’t give a shit if I wasn’t right here.” He quips back, tucking the pack into the pocket of his jacket. It was a small mercy that he’d actually been wearing it, and hadn’t left it behind in the house. It was his favourite.
”So...” Nate looked over at Sunjata properly, smoke pouring out of his mouth along with the words. ”What now?” His brows were raised in quiet consideration, and even he wasn’t sure how serious he was being. It depended on the answer, he guessed.
and no one can figure out what you want
and you won’t tell them
NATE
