Admittedly, she doesn't expect him to stop her. To call her back.
What reason does he have for it after all? In her mind, this is over. Nothing but ashes and dust, settled on the bar floor and waiting to be spread to the ether by the passing of other people. People he may actually care for. Or not. Is it even her business anymore?
When he does, she hesitates. Part of her stubbornly wants to continue leaving, to let him try out his little speech on the slam of the bar door. What more is there to be said? She doesn't turn around as he begins to speak, listening and contemplating whether or not it's worth it before she finally spins around to face him. The implication that he will let her leave now that he has said what he wanted is enough to mollify the immediate desire to tear into him, but it leaves her empty-handed in terms of response.
It comes eventually because of course it does. When has Hotaru ever truly been speechless? Never for very long, and certainly not over the likes of what he has just said. "You're the one who determines what is and is not a noose. You may care, fine. But what does that amount to Sunjata?" Instead of being biting it's a genuine question. She folds her arms below her breasts and stares at him, still standing behind the bar and with a safer distance between them. Far less temptation to grab him, to either kiss or punch him. "If you want a friend or even a friend with benefits, fine. Find me whenever your plentiful crowd isn't available to get on their knees for you. Find me when you want to talk about things you won't tell them." Things she already knows. Things she doubts he will ever tell anyone for quite some time considering his multitude of issues. It's astounding he'd told her at all, though perhaps he'd been pressured into it by her revealing her own past. Hotaru wouldn't put it past him with how easily manipulated he has proven to be in the past.
"I'll fuck whoever I want as plentifully as I desire. If that's what you want, that's where it ends. Because you and I? We view love - actual love - very differently. You know my history. Can you look me in my face and tell me that you won't be just like them? Offering more to appease me and never delivering?" The crack of her voice is like a whip, anger wavering under her tone like a roiling sea, but her composure is a thick wall of ice above it. Keeping it contained for now. Giving herself this one last chance to say it all because she doubts after this he will want her to stay. If she'll want to stay in the first place. "Commitment is a dagger to your neck. And you can offer me as much sex and friendship as your body could handle, but you could never love me. And I certainly won't twist your damn arm to get some fake version of it like your monstrous ex-wife, because I will not hang my own worth on what crumbs of care you will give me." She throws the word back in his face. He can care all he wants, but so long as he remains indecisive, Hotaru will not give it any worth or weight. "You confuse care with platonic affection, and if that's what you want then tell me straight. But don't try and lie to my face like you do all the other insipid creatures that profess their love to you, don't lead me on and think I won't realize what game you're playing." Her eyes are twin fires that threaten violence if he doesn't consider what he'll say in response. Because Hotaru cares for him, far more deeply than she ever expected or wanted to fall. Isn't that how all her other loves started? He knows all about them, she can't hide her history from him in this moment. But she won't be crippled with the same killing blow, not when she has had so many previous injuries to learn from.
"This?" She releases her arms to gesture between them. "This is not love. This is potential, and nothing more. So tell me your terms so that I can move the fuck on." It will take time. It will hurt. She doesn't want to admit how badly she wants him to pick her, to be different from the others he has fucked around with. Hotaru is no fool though, and knows that such things will never happen. Not with him.
What reason does he have for it after all? In her mind, this is over. Nothing but ashes and dust, settled on the bar floor and waiting to be spread to the ether by the passing of other people. People he may actually care for. Or not. Is it even her business anymore?
When he does, she hesitates. Part of her stubbornly wants to continue leaving, to let him try out his little speech on the slam of the bar door. What more is there to be said? She doesn't turn around as he begins to speak, listening and contemplating whether or not it's worth it before she finally spins around to face him. The implication that he will let her leave now that he has said what he wanted is enough to mollify the immediate desire to tear into him, but it leaves her empty-handed in terms of response.
It comes eventually because of course it does. When has Hotaru ever truly been speechless? Never for very long, and certainly not over the likes of what he has just said. "You're the one who determines what is and is not a noose. You may care, fine. But what does that amount to Sunjata?" Instead of being biting it's a genuine question. She folds her arms below her breasts and stares at him, still standing behind the bar and with a safer distance between them. Far less temptation to grab him, to either kiss or punch him. "If you want a friend or even a friend with benefits, fine. Find me whenever your plentiful crowd isn't available to get on their knees for you. Find me when you want to talk about things you won't tell them." Things she already knows. Things she doubts he will ever tell anyone for quite some time considering his multitude of issues. It's astounding he'd told her at all, though perhaps he'd been pressured into it by her revealing her own past. Hotaru wouldn't put it past him with how easily manipulated he has proven to be in the past.
"I'll fuck whoever I want as plentifully as I desire. If that's what you want, that's where it ends. Because you and I? We view love - actual love - very differently. You know my history. Can you look me in my face and tell me that you won't be just like them? Offering more to appease me and never delivering?" The crack of her voice is like a whip, anger wavering under her tone like a roiling sea, but her composure is a thick wall of ice above it. Keeping it contained for now. Giving herself this one last chance to say it all because she doubts after this he will want her to stay. If she'll want to stay in the first place. "Commitment is a dagger to your neck. And you can offer me as much sex and friendship as your body could handle, but you could never love me. And I certainly won't twist your damn arm to get some fake version of it like your monstrous ex-wife, because I will not hang my own worth on what crumbs of care you will give me." She throws the word back in his face. He can care all he wants, but so long as he remains indecisive, Hotaru will not give it any worth or weight. "You confuse care with platonic affection, and if that's what you want then tell me straight. But don't try and lie to my face like you do all the other insipid creatures that profess their love to you, don't lead me on and think I won't realize what game you're playing." Her eyes are twin fires that threaten violence if he doesn't consider what he'll say in response. Because Hotaru cares for him, far more deeply than she ever expected or wanted to fall. Isn't that how all her other loves started? He knows all about them, she can't hide her history from him in this moment. But she won't be crippled with the same killing blow, not when she has had so many previous injuries to learn from.
"This?" She releases her arms to gesture between them. "This is not love. This is potential, and nothing more. So tell me your terms so that I can move the fuck on." It will take time. It will hurt. She doesn't want to admit how badly she wants him to pick her, to be different from the others he has fucked around with. Hotaru is no fool though, and knows that such things will never happen. Not with him.
Feel the fear and swallow back the tears
Let weakness disappear, there's nobody but me here
Let weakness disappear, there's nobody but me here
