Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
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Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
"Oh." she said a bit dumbly. "Well...so long as you don't press me to sleep with you everytime, I wouldn't mind that." she said, trying to smile, but not managing it well.
She sighed and shook her head. "No one is perfect. It's part of being human. You didn't ask for your bad traits but why I thought you'd make me happy." she said, swirling the alcohol in her flask. The midwife glanced up at him as he went spiraling down a bad train of thought, before finally getting to the crux of it. "You might not ever get better fully, no. But you will get better, if you try. If you try to be cognizant of when your emotions are spiraling and work to change, for you and for those you care about."
She sighed and shook her head. "But when you care for someone, you do put up with their moods and tantrums. And you work through it. And so long as you are also working to better yourself, then it isn't a burden. Your loved ones probably want to help you, and you just haven't let them."
As Phoebe failed to smile, Loren attempted his own, though it was similarly unsuccessful. "Alright. Not every time. Just like, half," he quipped, hoping she'd understand he was joking. However, his tone grew more serious soon enough. "I'd like that too."
When she responded to his doubts, even his tentative smile slipped away. "I did. And then I listed all the reasons I thought you...anyone would be unhappy with me." Frowning, he started fidgeting with his hands. However, he stilled as she kept speaking. "That's where I get stuck. The...changing the worst parts of myself." His hung his head in shame.
Shaking his head more than a bit sadly, he sighed. "Not in my experience, they don't." Rubbing his forehead, he lifted his head, letting it thunk into the tree uncaringly. "But maybe it's just because I wasn't working through it. Not hard or fast enough." Shrugging, still sounding and looking guilty, he bit his lip. "The only person who did actually put up with me, for a while at least was...Remi. And I royally fucked that up, screwed things up beyond repair."
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
02-29-2020, 06:37 PM (This post was last modified: 02-29-2020, 06:39 PM by Phoebe.)
PHOEBE
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
She simply rolled her eyes at his first comment, but said nothing more about the joke. There were more pressing matters at hand. "All I am saying is if everytime someone says something nice about you, you respond with how awful you are, no one will want to be around you. And that's exactly the opposite of what you want." she said, taking a swig from her flask. "That was pretty much the first piece of advice Frey ever gave me you know. I was bemoaning how no one ever wanted me, I wasn't this or that enough. And they said I was fit, decently attractive, and young, the only reason someone wouldn't want me was because of how I presented myself."
So saying she looked at him seriously, considering him. "So, really Loren, the question is, do you want someone to love you enough to help your through your flaws?" she asked directly.
At the mention of Remi she sighed and looked up at the canopy of leaves above them. "Well. Remi has changed. He told me he doesn't care about me either. But Remi won't be the last person to love you like that, I'm certain of it."
Raising his eyebrows slightly, Loren sighed. "And how do you know what I want?" Shrugging, he rubbed his temples, then gave Phoebe a guilty look. "Even if I don't actually believe the compliments? Or don't think I deserve them?" He spoke quietly and stiffly.
Pinching the bridge of his nose, he shook his head. "Yes, well, the ways I've presented myself have always been shitty, but I don't know how to change that." He hugged his knees to his chest.
At her question, he snorted. "Of course I do." It came out in a pained whisper, and he bit his lip.
Turning his head slightly, he examined her. "How can you be so certain?" He rested his chin on his knee, suddenly exhausted.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
She raised a brow back at him. "You just said you were lonely and sleeping with anyone that stayed still long enough to combat it. That's how I know." she said a bit dryly. Had he already forgotten the things he had said?
Her head tilted a bit as he presented the problem. The disbelief of the good things said about him. The feelings of inadequacy and habit. "One step at a time. That's how. Decide you want to change and make active steps towards it. Maybe start by accepting that there are some things you cannot change in the world. You are rather bad at that." she said with a shrug, closing her eyes as the warmth of the alcohol began to spread from her stomach to her head.
She rolled her head to look over at him, expressionless as she stared at him. "I know because I could see myself having loved you. I was able to picture myself clearly, sitting with you, holding you as you confronted your demons and troubles, walking with you through those tribulations as you overcame them. And my patience for other people's bullshit has gotten shorter and shorter with each passing season." she said dryly but with honesty.
As Phoebe brought up his string of partners, Loren shrugged. "Physical intimacy isn't the same as emotional intimacy." However, he didn't contradict her, and his voice was incredibly hesitant.
Letting out a huff of bitter laughter, he tilted his head back and let it hit against the trunk of the tree again. "Or maybe the world should change, and we just haven't worked hard enough," he quipped, clearly not meaning it. Turning his head slightly so he could regard her, he tapped his fingers in a nervous beat. "So if I want to accept that I can't change everything, how would I go about doing that?"
He shook his head sadly. "But you shouldn't have to do that." Biting his lip, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I suppose you'd tell me it's not a question of should, but of whether you want to. And of accepting that, and letting you do that." The words came out quietly.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
"No. But physical intimacy can lead to emotional intimacy with as great of ease as emotional leads to physical." Phoebe said, knowing all too well from personal experience that it was true.
She raised a brow at him. "You love to overthink and overcomplicate things, don't you." she said, more as a statement from observation than a question. "By accepting it. Accepting things is an active decision. It doesn't just happen." she said, looking up at the canopy again. "It isn't a specific action or thing you make. It is just a decision. You say to yourself 'I cannot change this, and so I will no longer allow it to affect my personal peace' or something like that. It takes discipline...which...isn't that a very Launceleyn point of pride? Discipline?"
She shrugged a bit at what he had to say. "You're right. I shouldn't have to. And if you loved me, you would recognize that, and work on yourself so I no longer have to. But yes. You would also have to accept that I loved you and therefore wanted to help you through it." she said softly. "The two go hand in hand. It's just one of many complexities in life I guess."
Loren let out a huff of laughter. "Not if you're not open to it." Shaking his head, he gave Phoebe a tight-lipped smile.
"It's one of my finer qualities." Clearly self-deprecating, he gave her a faint grin. At her words, though, it faltered. Running a nervous hand through his hair, he shrugged. "I was disowned, so I'm not a very good Launceleyn I'm afraid." Closing his eyes, he sighed. "So just accept it. Simple as that?" Unsurprisingly, he didn't exactly sound as if he believed it.
Running both hands through his hair now, he opened his eyes. "The only love I've ever known that wasn't complicated or twisted in some way was...Abasi. And even that was difficult, and I...didn't do it right." Lowering his hands, he felt them clench into fists. "And that loss is...it's still too raw for me to feel up to letting anyone in again." His voice was quiet and pained.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
"It's probably a good thing you're not a good Launceleyn from what I hear." she said dryly, shrugging her shoulders a bit. "But I bet you still know how to be disciplined in doing something if you want to from it. Right?" she said, glancing over at him briefly. It was hard from anyone to fully pull away from the way in which they were raised. To have been raised with values like that, certainly some of it had stuck.
She was quiet for a moment as she stared up, the canopy swaying slightly from the alcohol affecting her vision. "That's how it was with Emmett. It was the sort of storybook sort of love. But we were both new at it, and young, and ultimately it couldn't survive the harshness of reality." she said softly, expressionless as she stared at the sky. "But I am trying to not be the person I was then, that didn't love him rightly, in hopes that when another love comes along, I don't repeat those errors." she said, tilting her head to look at him again. "And...don't get me wrong, I understand wanting to seek out physical affection to soothe the ache...but in the long run you're probably just delaying actually dealing with Abasi's death. Feel the pain. Be heartbroken. Mourn him. But...avoid the self-destructive behaviors. It doesn't help anything."
Nodding slowly, Loren rubbed his eyes. ”Yes I can be disciplined when I think something is important enough.” It came out in an almost begrudging tone, though he shot Phoebe an apologetic look to let her know he was mad at himself and not her.
As she started to speak of her own experiences—his eyes narrowed slightly as she mentioned Emmett, a name the healer hadn’t heard before—he stayed quiet. ”I’m sorry for...everything you’ve been through. Especially what I did to you.” His tone was genuinely contrite.
However, his eyes strayed to her burns. ”So you’ll let me heal your burns then?” He raised his eyebrows, half question half challenge. Sighing, he massaged his temples.
Then he gave her a tentative smile. ”Alright.” Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to relax, to lower his hands and stretch his legs out so he wasn’t curled in on himself.
”I will try. To grieve properly and to fix those parts of me I think need fixing. But only if you help me, and only if you let me do the same for you.” It was offered hesitantly, and he immediately flushed in embarrassment and stammered, ”Not that you need fixing I just...don’t feel comfortable accepting this from you unless I can do something in return.” Tone awkward, he shrugged, praying she’d understand.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
She shrugged a little at his apology. "Thank you, but there is really nothing to be sorry for. And you've certainly done far less to me than others who do owe me apologies have." she said quietly, mind straying to Jata for a moment. As they did, she reached into a pocket in her skirt, before pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a set of matches. Lighting up with more ease than she should have, she took a long drag from it, eyes closing as she exhaled a stream of smoke. "No. I need these still." she said simply about the burns on her knees, leaving it at that.
Phoebe did manage to laugh a bit as he stumbled over himself, back pedaling from insinuating she needed fixing. "I'll do what I can to help you, don't worry about paying me back. Though...if you could use that water magic of yours to freeze Jata's penis off I'd appreciate it." she said, only half joking.
Shrugging at Phoebe's response, Loren's eyes tracked her as she took out a pack of cigarettes. They narrowed slightly as she lit one and took a pull. "No. You don't." It came out softly, but firmly, and he continued staring at her with a steely determination.
However, he sighed and shook his head. "Hurting people isn't going to make you feel better. Take it from someone who's tried." Giving her an awkward smile, he rubbed a palm on his thigh. "I'm going to help you too. So you can either accept that as a thing you can't change, or you can fight it and make this a whole lot harder on the both of us." Again, while he spoke quiet, a stubborn look had entered into his eyes.
Then his smile grew more genuine, if sad around the edges. "Besides, the best revenge would be to live your life to the fullest, and show you don't need him to make you happy."
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
She wasn't about to get into an argument about the burns on her knees. So she simply shrugged, opening her eyes to stare at the canopy with her honeyed gaze once more. If he healed them, she would just end up burning herself again when she felt her control on her emotions begin to crack again.
"I don't know. Felt pretty good when I smashed up his bar after he cheated on me." she said, voice emotionless. In the end though, it hadn't done much. Jata was still out, fucking his way through life, the apple of everyone's eye while she remained forgotten. Why did men always get out of things smelling like roses? She did smirk a bit at his retort though, nodding. "I will simply accept it then." she said. It was true after all, she couldn't stop him from helping if he really wished to.
But his last comment earned a short, mirthless laugh. "You clearly don't know him then. Sunjata only cares about himself. He convinced you he is worthy of your sympathy, uses you for all you are worth, then leaves you like trash in the street and no one but yourself ever knows what a snake he is."
Loren raised his eyebrows at Phoebe’s comment. ”I’m sure it did. And now?” There was something almost amused about his tone.
Smiling outright as she agreed to his terms, he nodded. ”Good.” Then his smile turned into a bit of a smirk. ”Not that I mind a good fight now and then.” He watched her reaction to that particular revelation closely.
”I do know him well actually.” Reaching out, he clasped Phoebe’s shoulder in a firm, but friendly grip. ”And there’s no doubt he’s a selfish prick. I’ve told him that before.”
Then he tilted his head to the side and frowned. ”But he’s not going to change. And you can’t change people’s reactions to him. So why waste more time getting hung up on him when it’s just holding you back?” There was an honest confusion in his voice, though he accompanied his words with a sympathetic and understanding look.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
