Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
And now? Phoebe twirled the cigarette in her fingers as she considered. "And now I wish I would have just set it on fire because I was sore from swinging that shovel around the next day." she said with a bit of a snicker. His revelation though wasn't really a revelation. She had caught on to that several times before. Phoebe looked at him with faked, wide-eyed shock. "You don't mind a good fight? Color me surprised." she said with a hint of sarcasm, but playfully so. "Sometimes a fight is necessary to get anywhere, so I suppose that's good." she added.
There was a shift in her demeanor as he spoke of Sunjata though, and she brought the cigarette to her lips for a long pull as she fell silent. What brightness he had coaxed out of her settled back into darkness, the smoke she exhaled a mirror image for the fog her mind had entered. "Holding me back from what." she said with a sigh, looking Loren in the eye with a stormy gaze. "I built a medical college without him. I lead research on the blight without him. I run my own midwifery practice without him. I raised three boys for a short time without him. I have become part of the Hollowed Grounds Council without him. I have befriended the one god everyone seems mostly terrified of without him. He isn't holding me back from anything. If I want something, I know I can make it happen on my own." she said, looking up at the sky again. "It isn't as though there is anyone who wants me, so the emotional mess I am in part because of him doesn't really matter. But...what makes me so...angry? It's that...I've tried so hard to help people here. All he has done is rebuilt a bar. And when that stupid wedding happened...Almost everyone there was there to feel bad for him like I'm some monster who coerced him into it."
By the time she was done speaking, her hands were shaking, eyes glossy but not yet overflowing with tears.
Loren snorted. "I've burned down a bar before. It's not as much fun as you think." Looking at Phoebe, he smirked, tone and expression darkly amused. "Plus then people whine about not having access to alcohol." He let out a huff of laughter.
Nodding, he grinned briefly. "I know, right?" It was as sarcastic as her words had been, though he raised an eyebrow at that next comment. "So you're a fighter too? I'm shocked." It came out idly, as if they were discussing the weather, though he was clearly teasing her.
Then, though, he unsurprisingly managed to piss her off. Still holding her shoulder, he reached out to take one of her hands and give it a gentle squeeze. "I wasn't there for him." It came out softly, and he made sure to meet her gaze, let her know he was telling the truth. "What you've accomplished is nothing short of remarkable."
Taking a deep breath, he looked away. "I just meant getting hung up on him would keep you from being happy. And you deserve to be happy."
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
She probably should have and would have responded to the jokes, but she had gotten all wound up in her own anger and hurt. Forgetting for a moment the company she was keeping, she closed her eyes and reached her cigarette to her knee, pressing the lit end to the skin. Her jaw clenched, nose wrinkling ever so slightly, but she did not cry out in pain. Instead, after the worst of the burning had passed, she seemed to relax, slowly letting out a held breath from her lips.
"I know you weren't. And Rexanna and Harper weren't. And Frey wasn't." But the rest? She knew better than to think she had any fans after that. Sunjata was far too good at earning everyone's favor despite his selfishness. "I am not happy for a lot of reasons. Sunjata is really just a part of a larger issue." she said with a sigh. "But...I can't help but think that I have messed up the best chance I had at being happy anyways...so I am just struggling to come to terms with it." she added, voice barely a whisper.
As Phoebe pressed the cigarette to her skin, Loren's eyes tightened. Though he knew better than to intervene, he found himself instinctively reaching out with his telekinesis, plucking it from her fingers. However, the damage was already done, and he sighed, and gave her hand and shoulder a gentle squeeze.
For a long moment, he was silent in the face of her words. Then, he offered her an incredibly tentative smile. "You know, a very wise god once said the only reason someone wouldn't want you is because of the way you presented yourself. And a very wise lady once told me that self-destructive behaviors don't help anything, that only you can decide who and what makes you happy or unhappy, and that while you might not ever get fully better in part, you might get better, so long as you work at it." He let her go. "Maybe you should listen to that very good advice."
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
Phoebe blinked in surprise as the cigarette suddenly flew from her hand, glancing between wherever it landed and Loren. Who else, after all? But she said nothing, simply looked at the ground, unable to hide the little bit of shame she felt.
And she continued to remain silent as he slung her own words back at him. Not just her words, but Frey's as well. Instead of being comforted though, she retreated further into the recesses of her own mind, hiding away from the truth that was easy for her to speak and recommend but felt impossible to enact in her own life. "What if you married someone though when they specifically asked you not to." she said quietly, still staring at the ground. Harper's words from that day flowed back to her mind, crystal clear. "How could that ever be forgiven or overlooked, no matter how I present myself?"
Seeing Phoebe pull away, Loren sighed. Rubbing the back of his head, he glanced up at the canopy. "Well, I don't know a whole lot about this friendship thing." Turning his head to the side, he gave her a rueful smile. "But if I recall correctly, I told you not to marry Sunjata."
Reaching out, he laid his hand back on her shoulder. "And I'm here." Giving her an understanding and sympathetic look, he squeezed it softly. "Whoever or whatever you're worried about forgiving you, if they truly care about you, they'll forgive you. And if they don't, well.." Letting his voice trail off, he shrugged. "Then you'll know."
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
Phoebe sighed and shook her head. He wasn't getting it - but then again, as she recalled, Loren hadn't been close enough to hear to gain context either. "This...this was the sort of ask as if...as if Abasi was going to marry someone else, and you asked him not to." she said quietly, unsure how to explain it and so falling back onto a poor simile. "Except you were never together just...clicked and never addressed it." she added, trying to clarify and knowing she wasn't getting anywhere close. Why did things always have to be so complicated?
"Harper said everything I wanted someone to say to me that day. Everything I had ever begged other people to say and he just...knew." she said quietly, brows furrowing with irritation at herself. "I should have left with him that day. I should've left Jata at the alter and just...gone home with Harper and I didn't. And...every day that passes makes me realize that I likely destroyed my one chance to maybe have something with someone who actually was good for me." she said, almost whispering. She had never said any of this before, but finally giving voice to passing thoughts made her stomach clench uncomfortably.
As Phoebe explained exactly what she'd been talking about, Loren sighed. ”I don’t believe in one chance. For anything. I can't." He gave her a sad and haunted look. "Both because I've been offered more chances than I deserve and because if I did, then my only chance at love died." Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair.
"You'll find love. Maybe not with Harper, but you will." Letting go of her hand, he reached up to cup her cheek softly and almost tenderly. "And it might not be too late with Harper. Or anyone else." It came out softly.
Then, though, he bit his lip. Hesitating, he let his hand drop and rubbed it nervously against his leg. "But...I hope you don't mind me saying, weren't you just saying you were going to be...more careful, when it came to matters of the heart?" His voice came out stilted and awkwardly.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
She was quiet as he spoke, taking in everything she said while trying to get her stomach to release the knots it had been wound into. It wasn't until his very last point that she reacted at all. Even then it wasn't much, a quiet sigh and slump of her shoulders. "My head and my heart are never on the same page." she said by way of explanation. "And...I've not let myself dwell on it too much. I've...not even said any of this before." Though her inner thoughts and turmoil ran rampant, her actions were indeed cautious and words careful.
Until that exact moment of course.
"It's just hard looking back on it, being able to really realize what was said, what he did, what it meant...and I just feel so stupid. I was so blind and it just...everything I wanted slipped right through my fingers." she said quietly.
Loren let out a huff of laughter at Phoebe's explanation. "I know that feeling." As she revealed that he was the first she'd told, his eyes widened. Then he gave her a kind of stupidly pleased grin. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me." He reached out to pat her hand.
Snorting, he sighed. "Hey, you don't have to explain regret to me. If I could turn back time..." Shaking his head, he gave her a sad smile. "But we can't. All we can do is make the most of things moving forward." However, he shrugged, knowing full well how difficult it was.
However, his expression softened. "Listen. You're not stupid. You just made a mistake, but...you're human. We're all human, and all we can ask is that we do our best." He found himself growing more hesitant as time went on, since he was saying something he wasn't good at practicing himself.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
"I guess." she said quietly. It felt lackluster. It felt insufficient, to simply say it was human to err. It haad been so obvious. So clear. She had recognized it even then. And still she had gone with Sunjata instead of Harper. Stupid seemed the more accurate description of what she had done. "He is living with me again so I guess he can't be too mad. But I did try to jump off of a bridge in front of him so that probably is more the reason."
She sighed and looked down at her hands. "Should probably head back but...I know when I stand up the alcohol is going to hit." she said with a light laugh.
Loren gave Phoebe an understanding look. Taking her hand again, he squeezed it gently. "I agree, it doesn't sound like he's mad at all." However, his expression grew more serious and concerned. "I get it. Recently I...tried to kill myself too." Sighing, he reached out to take her other hand. "But I would miss you, if anything were to happen to you." His voice came out softly, but he was speaking the truth.
Taking out the flask he'd emptied earlier, he waved a hand over it. "Here. Have some water." He held out the flask for her to take. "Just water, I promise." The corner of his lips twitched up.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
Let you go and the lonely in
To take my heart again
She didn't react to his news like she probably should have, but honestly she wasn't surprised. They were both emotional wrecks, and it seemed the characteristic mark of the season. "What stopped you?" she asked, wondering if he just failed in his attempt, or if someone had intervened like in her case.
Phoebe took the flask of water greatfully, but couldn't help the slight smirk as she made a show of sniffing the contents. "I don't know...you were trying pretty hard to get me to sleep with you earlier. Not sure I trust that assurance." she said jokingly. A dark joke but a joke nonetheless.
Sighing, Loren's eyes trailed to where the companions had run off too. Unbidden, his hand came up to rub his throat. "Astra was there." Looking at Phoebe, he bit his lip. "And I couldn't do that to her." It came out softly, a quiet acknowledgement how truly little he had to live for.
Luckily, she took the flash from him. At her little show, he snorted, though he gave her a knowing look. "Don't worry, I'm not one of those former nobles." Then he raised his eyebrows. "If you're really that concerned, I'll take a sip too." He held out his hand, fully intending to follow through on his word.
look at how a single candle can both
defy and define the darkness
