From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
She smiled, shaking her head. "Oh, I'll think of something. Or just throw the idea out there, make Sunjata work for once." The good kind of work, the one he was supposed to do, rather than hunt dragons or start fights. Possibly this boxing ring would be good for him too.
Again, Loren took her words and spun them off in the wrong direction. Maea wondered if he knew how much it hurt to have her attempts to help rejected so constantly, sometimes brutally beaten down like her words didn't matter at all. She had no retorts for him this time, just bowed her head over the journal that lay closed in her lap, not knowing what to say.
But it seemed she didn't have to, really, because Loren began to speak instead. Told her to settle in for a long story... and frankly, when were they ever short, or easy? It seemed all her boys had their luggage to carry, and Maea supposed she was the good listener kind.
So, she nodded. And listened, as he went on. Her attention was unerring, eyes keen and alert; the kind of look that assured that she was indeed focused, and he could just go on. She wouldn't interrupt.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Seeing the hurt expression on Maea's face, Loren's lips parted. Then he hesitated, and looked away. "Sorry. That was unfair of me." Burying his face in Astra's fur, he took a deep breath before he looked at the pale woman again. "I...really am sorry. I get like this sometimes, and I know it's wrong to lash out, I just..." He waved a hand vaguely. "Sometimes it feels easier to push people away. That's a...shitty excuse though." Though it was soft, it was clear how ashamed he was.
And his mood darkened further as he continued recounting his past. "The oath manifested as soon as our magic did. For most, that meant when we were children." He paused, searching her features for understanding. "I was five." It came out barely above a whisper.
Shaking his head a little, he looked back towards the ocean. "Because even a stray word could kill us, the family demanded complete and total obedience, supposedly for fear we might die otherwise." His vision swam as his eyes filled with tears.
So he closed them, both to prevent the tears from falling, and to avoid seeing her reaction. "So they tortured us into compliance."
"I understand," she told him softly. Always ready to accept apologies, never so hurt or so angry she couldn't listen to them. "I get like that too. You know how I feel about Amalia... it's similar." Easier to push someone away when affection wasn't returned, easier to argue than really sit down and talk about feelings, like proper adults. And now... now things might really be broken for good. Maea had tried to talk to the woman, but had only been insulted and driven off instead. And no attempts had been made to apologize, so... She understood where Loren came from. It didn't make it hurt any less of course, but she could forgive it.
She nodded that she was listening to his story. Again there were similarities, but the horrors of his tale were so profound, they didn't even compare to hers. When he closed his eyes and withdrew, Maea reached for his hand, to hold it if he allowed it. Show she was still there, still listening.
"My magic manifested when I was five, too," she told him softly. They had that in common. "My father beat me for it... but for slightly different reasons." So she could relate. A little. But torture? It was beyond anything she could imagine.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Not trusting himself to speak, Loren simply nodded at Maea's easy acceptance. Of course, even that hint of relief faded as he continued speaking about his childhood (or lack thereof). When her hand found his, he opened his eyes and glanced toward her.
However, when she revealed her own past, the tears he'd been holding back finally fell. As always, they streamed down his cheeks in a silent flood, since he almost never cried out loud. Squeezing her fingers slightly, he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry that happened to you. No parent should ever..." His voice trailed over, and he shrugged a bit helplessly.
Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to remember. "They hurt us. With magic, mostly. And, because obedience could only be enforced through strength, and because we were bound in service to the throne, the ones with the mightiest and most dangerous magics were at the head of the family. They bent the rest of us to their will by any means necessary." It came out in a half-choked voice.
Retrieving his hand from her, he found his hands clenching into fists. "Those who were too weak, or too headstrong, were punished. Again, and again, and again. And we were forced to fight one another, in order to establish the hierarchy. Sibling against sibling, parent against child." He looked away again. "I was one of the weak ones." It came out in a shameful whisper.
Looking up at a passing cloud, he fell silent for a while. He just stroked Astra's fur. When he finally did speak up again, it was in another broken and distant whisper. "You wanna know the worst part?" He trained haunted eyes on her. "It didn't even keep most of us alive."
It was a story very difficult to listen to. Just as Sunjata's had been. What was it about her silence that invited them to open up and speak about these things to her? She was no saint, no hero, no steady rock to lean on, just a girl who had seen very little of the world and couldn't help anyone. Her hands were too small, her shoulders too weak - how come they burdened her with these things, when she felt as though they might break her to carry? So many secrets - how many could she keep, before she couldn't take any more?
Yet she kept listening, because... what else would she do? Walk away? Betray his trust by putting her hands over the ears and scream, like she wanted to? Oh no, Maea couldn't do that. She held on to his hand for as long as he let her, and hugged her knees when he let go, like he hugged Astra. How she longed for someone to cling to like that, in moments like these... Maea found she missed Sunjata very much all of a sudden. Longed to feel his arms around her, and the steady beat of his heart against her cheek.
"I'm so sorry this happened to you, Loren," she said, in a hoarse whisper. Tears brimming in her own eyes, only barely able to hold them back.
Lost in a world full of non-believers Searching for smoke in a still water pond
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
As Maea apologized, Loren forced himself to lower his gaze. To look directly at her. To sigh, and lay a gentle hand on her knee. "It's alright. Not your fault, and you don't need to apologize." Despite the tears still streaming down his cheeks, and the quiet tone to his voice, he did his best to reassure her that she shouldn't feel bad about any of this.
Giving her knee a gentle squeeze, he even tried to muster up a smile. It was weak, and didn't reach his eyes, but it was there. "I...at least I don't blame myself for any of it anymore." Sighing, he stroked Astra with his free hand, hoping to alleviate the worry he could see in the luxere's eyes. "It's just, well. It made it hard for me to...be open."
Swiping at her cheeks to keep the tears from falling too far, Maea too managed a smile. Weak, trembling; Loren was trying to comfort her, and it felt so very wrong. Wasn't he the one who needed the reassuring words, the gentle hand on a knee, that faint smile? At least she could provide him with the latter... And she did scoot over, until she sat side by side with him, and could sling an arm around his shoulders. Pull him in close, if only for a little bit.
"I don't see how any of it could possibly be your fault. But I understand that it makes talking difficult. So.. thank you. For your trust. I'm quite honored." Maea tried to lean her head against his, in quiet support. She wasn't Astra, but... maybe it could help a little. Or at least show that she really did care; it wasn't just words.
I'm an angel bored like hell And you're a devil meaning well
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
As Maea came to sit by his side, Loren slung an arm across her shoulder as well. Astra shifted until she was draped across both of their laps, laying her head in his lap. With his free hand, he continued scratching behind the luxere's ears.
The pale woman's question caused him to pause, though. Sighing, he gave her a sad smile. "For a...long time, I thought I deserved the treatment I received because of my weakness." Biting his lip, he looked at the horizon. "It was only until I was much older that I realized how wrong that was. And that...it was what they wanted me to think." It came out softly, as if speaking about it would conjure the ghosts of his past.
Giving her a gentle squeeze, he nodded. "Thank you. And...thank you for listening. I'm sorry that I...that I'm so bad at letting people in." He hung his head, more than a bit ashamed.
Astra was more than welcome in her lap, and Maea scritched the luxere's back, glad to feel the warm body in her lap. Perhaps she was a little surprised when Loren returned her gesture, but she leaned into it, grateful that he accepted her presence.
"I can't... help but draw some paralells. Between your situation, and the Abandoned." She mused aloud, voice rather quiet. More than a little sad. "We're also led to believe that we are at fault for being born with the magic inside us. Perhaps more so before than now, but... it's why my father did what he did. To instill in me the importance of not growing arrogant. We were to earn back the respect and love of the gods by never using the magic, never growing it...
"As if we would be more worthy, make up for old mistakes by denying our own natures." She shook her head, saddened by the fact that she had been living this denial for so very long. Still did, in many ways, unable to believe she had any real worth.
Shifting her arm, Maea brought her hand up to touch his hair, stroke it gently between her fingers. "We can only be who we are. And do the best with what we've been given. You try your best, and that's all anyone should ever ask of you."
Lost in a world full of non-believers Searching for smoke in a still water pond
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
As Maea spoke, Loren remained quiet. He just continued giving Astra gentle scratches and rubs, drawing a contented bleat from the luxere. When the pale woman finished, and reached up to stroke his hair, he leaned into the touch a little bit, some of the tension draining out of him. "I'm sorry you were...are...made to feel that way."
Glancing at her, he bit his lip. "In Caido, I've always tried to see magic as a gift. To tell myself that the gods don't answer not because of our nature, but because we have the capability to help ourselves. I know that's not right but..." Voice trailing off, he shrugged, giving her a rueful smile.
However, he found himself unable to meet her gaze. {cay}"You might think that way." Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. "But not everyone does." Grimacing, he closed his eyes. "I've been told that I...play up my victimhood. Use it as an excuse to...be cruel. And sad. That I never take responsibility or hold myself accountable for anything." His voice sounded very quiet, and very lost.
His hair was surprisingly soft under her fingers. She kept up the gesture as he leaned into her hand, and eventually let her arm come back down to rest around his shoulders. It was rather comfortable to sit like this, in a quiet and peaceful way. Opening up, sharing things... The healing kind of talks, perhaps for both of them. While not as deep, Maea had her own scars, that still hurt at times. Everyone did, in their own ways, she supposed.
"I've tried to think of it like that as well," she admitted. "It's just... rather difficult when you're not really all that strong, and can't actually do anything to help yourself. To be ignored when your troubles aren't that different from someone else's... just because of something you can't help.." She shrugged. It was an old litany, one she'd vented before to more than one person.
"I was told that I'm powerhungry, irresponsible and inconsiderate," she offered, in exchange for his confession. "I tried to establish a government in the Grounds before Zariah... but it failed, because people did not believe I could do the job. I was only a weak and useless girl in their eyes, the one who relied on others to get by... and for trying to step up and do something to help a desperate situation, I was told off. Warned against the allure of power, told to go back home and stay useless." Not in so many words perhaps, but... the message was still the same. Some had supported her, but most would not. Jigano had not. And that still hurt.
"And when I tried to help matters by going to Halo, to study and make myself stronger, so I could be of better use to others... it was the same story all over again." Call it concern, wrap it in some pretty illusion of wanting to keep her safe... it still felt like she was being held back. Protected. Kept weak, for her own so called 'good'.
Lost in a world full of non-believers Searching for smoke in a still water pond
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Shifting slightly, Loren accidentally dislodged Astra, who grumbled. Giving her an apologetic look and head rub, he sighed. Then he smiled ruefully at Maea. "It sucks." It came out a lot more honestly than he usually spoke.
However, he squeezed her shoulders gently. "But...I try to, I don't know. Remember how that feels, so that I don't inflict that same pain onto others." Then he grimaced, and a guilty expression stole across his features. "I fail a lot, though. At not...hurting people." He bit his lip.
Looking at the horizon again, he reached up to rub the tears that had wet his cheeks. "It's funny, isn't it? How we let others define our narratives." Falling silent, he turned to face her. "I don't...really think I'm a bad person, if I'm being honest. I've just...made mistakes and done bad things." However, his voice was far from certain.
Turning her head, Maea looked him over. Thought of everything he had done for her, his account of reaching out to help friends who needed it. How he'd insisted on helping Sunjata when their mutual friend had been stubbornly trying to destroy himself, and how he even now, in the midst of his own despair, had the strength to squeeze her shoulders and offer sympathy.
"I don't think you're a bad person," Maea told him. "You've just been through a lot recently. Lost too much. It's hard to stay kind when everything hurts." Spoken like someone who knew, from experience. Given her medical history... she really did. "I... don't consider myself as that greedy for power either. At the very least, I just want to use it to protect my friends. To help.
"Though... possibly I am a bit reckless, in how I go about it sometimes." It was a reluctant concession, and the girl smiled ruefully. Her argument with her partner about coming home covered in bruises in fresh memory.
Lost in a world full of non-believers Searching for smoke in a still water pond
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
♦ Violence, magic, thievery is permitted with Maea at all times. DM me if you have any ideas ♦
Letting out a huff of nervous and uncomfortable laughter, Loren ran his free hand through his hair. "As someone who takes protectiveness to the point of stifling those I care about, and who is a bit too quick to sacrifice himself to spare others pain, believe me I understand. And I don't think you're power hungry." He gave Maea a slightly chagrined look.
Lowering his hand to stroke Astra gently once more, he bit his lip. "I don't have that many people. In my life I mean. So I guess...I just feel the need to keep those few I do have safe."
He pressed his lips together. "And considering how much I've already suffered, I suppose a little more feels like a small price for me to pay to make sure others aren't hurt as I was." Expression embarrassed, he looked away. "But I...have to let others make their mistakes. Burn themselves on the fire." His jaw feathered with tension at the very thought, or maybe at the admission of how wrong that particular trait of his was.
