you say you're okay, you're faking

i bank on the funeral

There’s almost a sad smile as Loren repeats exactly what Sunjata had told him previously. Nothing to be sorry for. The past was the past and that was that, couldn’t change it… Just, could learn to do better. Though in all honesty Sunjata feels as though he hadn’t quite learned just how yet. So the question of trials comes up and there’s a slight muscle that feathers within his jaw as he flicks his tail to create a few small waves. “I guess for starters, the Senzaok family was known as the enforcers. We were supposed to write the laws and be the judge, jury, executioners. So we had to learn in harsh conditions how to survive. And Korofi flooded… a lot. Swim trials happened when we were six or seven. Though, the worst one was when we turned seventeen.” His head shifts toward Loren then. “My father was the Arbiter so they expected me to follow suit, and in order to become it, we had to win our seventeen year trial. They took all the seventeen year old noble boys and whatever poorer families that could afford to sport it, and tossed us all into a pit with a variety of weapons. Whomever lived got a chance to take the Arbiter spot when the current Arbiter died.” A brief explanation as he settles to wait and listen to Loren’s explanation of his own history.

And he can relate. Because he, too, had been soft and weak. He hadn’t been expected to win his trial, and his father had often hoped he’d have drowned or died in some kind of accident. “I was the weak one, too.” He says, another pulse of understanding sent toward the summoner as he flicks his tail in the water once more.

He exhales almost loudly when Loren comments the years it had taken on him. “Fifteen years is a lot.” He says quietly, lips shifting into a frown again. “Mine started when I was six or seven. I won my trial much to everyone’s surprise, followed the course of my family until I was nineteen and I met Lusea. Was with her until I was… Twenty three? When she died the first time. Spent a year or so in a neighboring country before I got sucked up here.” A small huff leaves him though it’s unclear if it’s amusement or sadness. “I turn twenty seven next season.” His gaze flickers back to Loren – somehow surprised he’s older than the Launceleyn. "Did every member of your family endure it too?" He asks, wondering who headed the family now.

'cause i learned all my lessons that way

SUNJATA

there's a fire starting in my heart

reaching a fever pitch

As Sunjata explained, Loren couldn't help but send a pulse of sympathy and understanding through their bond. However, he didn't have the words to make it better, and another apology seemed unnecessary. So he just stayed quiet, and kept radiating the feeling that he felt that he knew what the bartender had been through.

Letting out a huff of laughter that had no joy in it, the healer shook his head. "And look at us now." He gestured at his reddened eyes, and the way his frame even now looked a little too gaunt to be truly healthy. More than that, though, was the self-destructive and destructive impulses he often found himself caving to.

"So is thirteen." Rubbing the back of his neck, he shrugged. "It's all I ever knew, really. Know, even, to this day." Glancing at the bartender, the Launceleyn studied the other man's features. "Does time help?"

Nodding at the Sunjata's question, Loren bit his lip. "To some degree, yes." Picking up a rock, he tried to skip it across the pool but it sank with a plop immediately instead. "They used to drop us all off in the wilderness with nothing but our magic and our wits. Told to make our way back, or to survive for a certain amount of time. Of course, there was always someone watching us, but it felt as if we were alone. Those who failed or who were deemed too slow or unsuccessful in some way were punished. Flayed with spells and then tossed in the cells."

For a moment he shivered, and his eyes grew haunted. "I spent every night in the cells all the time I spent in the compound." It came out barely above a whisper and he had to take a deep breath before he could continue. "The stronger or smarter among us adapted quickly." He sighed. "And then they were the ones doing the punishing before long." Looking away, he kicked at the water again, angry this time. "They also had us fight, and the losers were tormented by the winners." His hands clenched into fists as the memories coursed through him, and a cold fury spilled through their link.

and it's bringing me out the dark

LOREN

i bank on the funeral

A humorless laugh is given to Loren as well, a quiet agreement that life growing up was shitty and both being weak and yet surviving above all else. And Sunjata had found out that he truly was good at some things, whether or not people believed it to be true. He’d always have that to fall back on. But he pauses a moment with Loren’s question, steel gaze flickering to meet the other man’s as he looks back at him. “It does… But you forget, and then one day something happens that feels so fucking close to home that you revert.” His lip feathers in something akin to a sneer. “Royal marriages in Korofi were arranged in order to produce the strongest offspring. I was supposed to be like my father and yet.. I had too much empathy of my mother. I cared too much. Still do, but sometimes I slip and act like the person I hate the most.” A quiet confession, reaching up to brush his wet hair away from his face, feeling it dry beneath his fingers.

He listens to Loren, however, a bit more intently when he reveals what they had to do. And all Sunjata can do is pulse that understanding deep within, tossed into cells – and somehow, accidentally, Sunjata sends a feeling of understanding of that too. Because that was where he spent his time when Lusea and him had been captured.

And while he hadn’t spent every night there, it had been a few long weeks listening to them torture Lusea before they had an audience with his father.

The cold fury that spills over is met with Sunjata’s own stormy waves of emotions. He’s not sure if it’s better to have to become a killer to win, or to be tormented by those who did. All he knows is that he was destroyed that day when he’d realized what he’d done – when he’d come to the realization that he’d killed a dozen boys of his age, some of them he’d trained with, grew up with.

Though they were never friends.

“I assume they weren’t punished for it?” A quiet question – because if they were trying to make them stronger by torturing them, then likely the tormenters were praised. And how shitty of a thing that was. "To be honest... Yeah you likely weren't what they were hoping for, that picture perfect version of what they needed. But that doesn't mean you were useless or deserved to be treated like that." His gaze flickers back to Loren, offering another rock by his head, a bit flatter to the other man to try and skip the rock again. "There's a saying that the resistance had that took me some time to understand, but... If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing it's stupid." A raise of his brow as he regards the summoner, seeing if he understands what he's trying to get at.

'cause i learned all my lessons that way

SUNJATA

there's a fire starting in my heart

reaching a fever pitch

Letting out a huff of air, Loren nodded in agreement and understanding. "Or someone gets a little too close and you don't trust that they'll accept you." Sighing, he gave Sunjata a chagrined look. "We had arranged marriages too. Supposed to go and breed lots of little mages. Then..." His voice trailed off, hoping he didn't need to explain what would happen next.

Snorting, the healer shook his head almost violently. "Quite the opposite in fact." Sighing, he rubbed his temples. "I know that in my mind. It's my heart that has a little trouble accepting it." Astra, drawn back from her play by the distant sadness she could sense, trotted up. He hugged her tight to him, only relenting when she bleated a fond protest. "And what if I'm not a fish? What if I don't know what I am, or what I'm supposed to do?" He understood the saying.

He just didn't know if he could swim any better than he could climb trees.

and it's bringing me out the dark

LOREN

i bank on the funeral

An understanding nod is given to the summoner, staring out over the water as he bites onto the inside of his cheek. “Or you’ll snap and suddenly they won’t recognize you anymore.” Because that had happened, too. He could hide it away until something happened and suddenly he was unrecognizable. Still, a pulse of acknowledgement is given to Loren at the mention of breeding more mages. “That’s… Why I never want to have kids. I don’t know what parts of me they’ll get, nor do I think I’d be a good father.” A hint of honesty. Too much like his father, he’s sure.

And he knows he’ll hate it.

But he offers the advice given, one that took him awhile to get used to and he understands how Loren can’t quite get his heart in the right place to accept it. But Astra returns and Haai comes with, ignoring Sunjata to bump her head against Loren’s other side, ears perked toward him to give him some other comfort at the suggestion of Sunjata. “Then you’re something else and you just haven’t found it yet.” His shoulders rise and fall in a shrug, his partial shift switching back to legs as he sits up and wraps his arms around his scarred legs. “I was a fish that was supposed to be a killer. And while… I did do it, it wasn’t me at the core. And it made me wrong to them because I didn't enjoy it. But that wasn't me.” At least not intentionally, he supposes.

'cause i learned all my lessons that way

SUNJATA

there's a fire starting in my heart

reaching a fever pitch

"Or that." Loren's lips twisted a bit, his own guilty memories of lashing out welling to the surface. Sighing, he rubbed his temples, then gave Sunjata an apologetic smile.

As the bartender mentioned he didn't want kids, the healer bit his lip. "I do. I think." Running a hand through his hair, he felt his other hand tapping a nervous beat against his thigh. "Want kids that is." Dropping his hands, he grimaced. "Though I'm as worried as you about what I'd pass on to the next generation."

Turning, he gave the other man a hesitant smile. "For what it's worth, I think you'd make a fine dad. You'd teach them how to punch properly and all that." Despite the Launceleyn's tentative tone, he really did think that, which Sunjata should be able to sense through the bond.

Loren rubbed his forehead. "And what about the damage I do as I figure out what that is?" There was no doubt in his mind that he'd do damage, though the presence of Astra and Haai (both of whom the healer stroked fondly) helped lift his spirits slightly.

As the bartender spoke once again of what he'd been through, the Launceleyn's eyes filled with sympathetic grief. Nudging the luxere to go to the other man, Loren reached out to clasp Sunjata's shoulder. "It's not you." For once, the healer spoke with certainty.

and it's bringing me out the dark

LOREN

i bank on the funeral

The apologetic smile is met with a small shrug. They both had their moments – ticking time bombs waiting to be mishandled before they exploded. Still, he’s surprised at the fact that Loren does want kids. And he puffs out a quiet sigh as he focuses on the water ahead of them, brows furrowing slightly. “I just don’t want a miniature version of me.” If he loathed himself so much, what would it mean to have a smaller him running around?

Best to just not want to find out, he supposes.

But when Loren tells him that he would make a fine dad, Sunjata snorts and shakes his head. He feels the truth to it, and the smile that crosses his face is uncertain, cold in a way that’s only toward himself and not toward the summoner. “Yeah, well, we won’t have to worry about that if I don’t fuck up with Maea.” He shrugs, not realizing it’s slipped out.

The mention of damage, however, the crosshairs and those trapped in it, Sunjata can only shrug his shoulders. “Well, if they’re worth anything, they’ll be there at the end. Proud of you for the journey.” His gaze lifts toward Loren, a pulse of understanding lingering beneath it all. And then, the luxere reaches him, and he huffs a small smile to Astra, reaching up to scratch behind her ears and under her chin as Loren clasps his shoulder. “Thanks Loren. Likewise.” He winks, sending the pulse of certainty toward the other man.

'cause i learned all my lessons that way

SUNJATA

there's a fire starting in my heart

reaching a fever pitch

Loren couldn't help but laugh at Sunjata's comment. "How self-centered of you, to think that's all children are." However, it was clear that the healer was just kidding, from his mind if not from his voice.

As the bartender mentioned it wouldn't be a problem with Mea, however, the Launceleyn frowned. "What do you mean?" There was a gentle concern for both the other man and the pale woman in Loren's tone.

Shaking his head, he pulled his legs out of the water and hugged them to his chest. "I wish I could believe that. But people haven't...I've been too successful at driving them away before." The words were almost apologetic, and the smile he gave Sunjata certainly was.

When the bartender responded to the healer's reassurance with a similar sentiment, he pulled his hand back. "Likewise?" Raising his eyebrows, he studied the other man's features. "What, exactly, am I not in this scenario?"

and it's bringing me out the dark

LOREN

i bank on the funeral

There’s a laugh that leaves his throat at Loren’s chiding. “Is it obvious I try to stay away?” He teases the other man, shoulders rising and falling in a shrug. And he had — actively tried to avoid getting caught up with anything that related to children. But the mention of Maea has him reconsidering his words, wondering if Maea has told him before or not, imagining she should because wouldn’t that be important for someone healing you to know?

“Well, she can’t have them.” He says with a small shrug again, head tilting somewhat as he focuses on the summoner when he speaks. “People always find a way.” There’s an amused pulse sent toward him. “You tried to push me away, I tried to push you away. And here we are.” He gestures to the pool around him.

At the mention of what Loren isn’t, his gaze lands back on the summoner. “Whatever terrible thing you think you are.” A brief pause and a smile. “You're not.”

'cause i learned all my lessons that way

SUNJATA

there's a fire starting in my heart

reaching a fever pitch

Letting out a huff of laughter, Loren shrugged. "If I say yes, is that bad?" He gave Sunjata a rueful smile.

As the bartender revealed that Maea couldn't have children, the healer's eyes narrowed. "Wait, really?" Frowning, he tapped a nervous beat against a thigh. "I wish she'd told me, considering I'm supposed to be her healer." Try his best, he couldn't help but feel a bit annoyed, and the other man would probably catch a bit of that.

Grinning weakly, the Launceleyn gave Sunjata an appraising look. "Where is here, exactly?" Obviously, the healer wasn't talking about their physical location.

Sighing, he rubbed his forehead. "I don't think I'm terrible." Spreading his arms a bit helplessly, he gave the bartender a sad look. "I just think I'm not very good. As a person or at anything." The Launceleyn hated how ashamed and pathetic his voice sounded.

and it's bringing me out the dark

LOREN

i bank on the funeral

Loren’s huff of laughter is met with a deep rumbling chuckle of Sunjata’s own. “My secret is out, then.” He jests back, clearly unaffected by the words. He didn’t know what to do with kids, so why try to figure it out if it meant he’d just be stuck and unhappy from it all.

The mention of Maea has Sunjata nodding quietly before he shrugs. “She gave up the ability to Ludo. So it’s not… Not a health concern.” He waves a hand with a small shrug at the Launceleyn’s annoyance.

Still, the mention of where is here has Sunjata’s tattooed shoulders rising and falling in a shrug before he looks back out over the water. “I mean… I think you’re my friend, not sure if you think I’m yours but… Or, maybe we’re more like brothers. Huge pains in the asses to one another that have some good times too.” He looks back to Loren with a slightly raised brow, a smirk crossing his face before the amusement slips into the bond.

It fades quickly as Loren rubs his forehead, however, and Sunjata shrugs to that. “I think you just need time to figure it out. You’re the Grand Healer of Halo for Safrin’s sake.” A somewhat bright smile crosses his face. “If that’s not being good at anything then I guess all the titles of that icy mountain are useless.” A raise of his brow to that.

'cause i learned all my lessons that way

SUNJATA

there's a fire starting in my heart

reaching a fever pitch

Eyes widening as Sunjata revealed why Maea couldn't have kids, Loren swallowed. "Ah. I see." He rubbed the back of his head a bit sheepishly. "Not a health concern indeed." Letting out a huff of laughter, he sent a pulse of apology to the bartender.

Then the healer fell silent as the other man tried to figure out what their relationship was. Leaning back, the Launceleyn placed his weight on his palms and kicked at the water. "You don't want to be my brother." It was half-joke, half-serious, fully warning. "Friends though...I can do friends." He offered Sunjata a tentative smile.

Sighing, Loren let his hands fall back to the ground. "It’s not like I have a lot of patients to take care of.” Pressing his lips together, when he spoke next it was truly contrite. ”Sorry. I know you’re right.”

and it's bringing me out the dark

LOREN

i bank on the funeral

“Mmhm.” He rumbles in response to the health concern comment, a small half smile granted to the summoner at the pulse of apology. Not like Sunjata cared too much about it – it had been her decision to make, and if he had a choice? Then yeah, he’d likely do the same as well.

Still, Sunjata begins to blabber off about what exactly this was, and his gaze slips over to the Launceleyn as he sits back and kicks at the water, his steel gaze lingering on the pale man beside him. “Friends it is, then.” He concedes, giving a crooked grin to Loren. “I guess that’s better though in the long run. Might be awkward if people think we really are only to learn that we’ve slept together, huh?” A teasing smirk and an amused pulse sent to Loren before he puffs out a quiet laugh and focuses back on the water.

As Loren sighs, however, and tells him that he doesn’t have a lot of patients to care for, his shoulders rise and fall in a shrug. “Means you’re doing your job then, huh? People are healthy and happy. They don’t need to see you.” A tilt of his head as he squints against the water before looking back to Loren.

'cause i learned all my lessons that way

SUNJATA

there's a fire starting in my heart

reaching a fever pitch

Loren couldn't help but snort at Sunjata's comment. "Oh no, we wouldn't want people to gossip about us now, would we?" Unsurprisingly, the healer's voice was a wry and sarcastic drawl, since he was fully aware people talked about both him and the bartender behind their backs.

"Or it means that they don't trust me enough to come seek me out." However, the Launceleyn sighed and shot the other man an apologetic smile. It was accompanied by a mental pulse of contrition. "Sorry. My thoughts have a nasty habit of going negative when...well, all the time, really." Cheeks flushing a bit with embarrassment, he rubbed a nervous palm against his thigh. "In case you haven't noticed."

and it's bringing me out the dark

LOREN