It's just the trauma talking

ashe They may say, "You're too small, you're too young to do it all," But you're a giant on the inside. They may say, "It's not enough, leave your dreams collecting dust," But there's a fire that you can't hide. Ashe held Ronin's gaze, her jaw feathering as she listened. Somewhere deep down, she knew she wasn't protecting anyone. She was hiding. While she did believe there was nothing in her that was worth anyone's love, that she wasn't sure how to trust people with parts of her even she didn't understand... she feared the horror. The disgust. The contempt. They knew she was was an infamous killer, but gods, they didn't know. How could anyone? How was it she could ever hope to explain what her life had been, what she had been raised to be? Ashe just nodded, unable to form the right words to truly respond to him. She didn't know how to explain herself, not beyond what he already had. It didn't matter why she had been hiding - she had been. Maybe she still didn't know how to open herself up to anyone, maybe she would never be able to live life the way any of them did, but they wanted her. At least, Vai and Ronin did, and Remi had been asking after her.. Did she have the right to try and tell them not to care? She squeezed his hands in return before he released them, and she folded her arms over themselves as she leaned forward against the table. She let out a long and slow breath, and a small smile spread over her lips. She hadn't realized how much she missed her time with Ronin until just then, and she found herself eager for the following day. She was starting to get back into her regular regiments of staying fit, jogging in the mornings and following a schedule of working out - regularly training with Ronin again sounded more than ideal. And.. sitting with him, talking to him? Maybe she would never be ready to talk about the details of her life or ever forgive herself for what she did to Alistair, but she missed Ronin. She missed her mother, and Remi... Devrum, though she feared facing him under threat of death. "I don't know what my life is now," Ashe admit. "I haven't known since I took care of my Master, I didn't really know before that. What I thought it was supposed to be is just... not something I can fit into. And everything is different.." She straightened in her chair, and she still didn't understand where her sudden confidence came from, why she felt so sure now. "But...I want to make you fit into different. I'm in." Everything had changed, and she had begun piecing together a life she didn't quite understand yet, a life she knew would never fit into the realm of "normal"... but that didn't mean she couldn't have Ronin or the others in that world of otherness that she lived in.