And I won't regret the lives I didn't lead
I knew you, I loved you
Hearing that Remi cared about him was perhaps the only relief Sam would have for the next moments, as his list of sins was read out with precise measure, as if Remi had been rehearsing this for some time. He listened quietly, really trying his best to take in what Remi was saying and be fair, not wanting to fall into any old patterns of behaviour - he really, really wanted to improve. Thought he had been doing, recently.
Of course Remi already knew all the explanations he could offer. That he was inexperienced with social situations, that he didn't know how any of this worked, that he'd panicked over every single decision...they didn't make a difference. He did think Remi had presented a rather uncharitable version of events that had been more complex than he said, but he could see why the Alchemist would have seen things the way he had.
The only thing he didn't really feel sorry for was being with Loren, which he felt he had the full right to do and honestly, that it wasn't any of Remi's business. But given that was a petty fight and hardly the main core of the problem, he decided to leave it for the moment.
All of this obviously made him feel rather awful about himself, the yawning black hole of self-hatred opening up again, but he purposefully held back tears and objections, not wanting to fall into...well. Woe is me. But with that reaction aside, and forcing himself not to make excuses, and not wanting to upset Remi further...well, what was left? Silence didn't seem like a good response.
Sometimes he wished he didn't care at all, but even after the tirade he'd just heard, he desperately didn't want to hurt Remi.
"...Um..I.." He shook his head, wanting to start better. Hopefully Remi wouldn't hold this one thing against him, that he didn't know what words to formulate. "I didn't realise any of it hurt you like that. Well..some of it I did. The..the forgetting, which...I mean, I don't remember doing it, but if I could change it...but that's feeling sorry for me and apologising again, isn't it? Ah."
Ultimately he supposed there was only one thing to say. A conclusion he felt Remi had likely already come to, but maybe it would be good to have a proper footnote. "So I suppose we agree to start again and you care enough about me to let me try, or we...don't. Which...I suppose is what you've already done, so..." He shrugged into the darkness, not knowing what on Caido to say to present what he wanted to and running out of steam to try when it felt it was inevitable Remi would only hate him more with each word.
Of course Remi already knew all the explanations he could offer. That he was inexperienced with social situations, that he didn't know how any of this worked, that he'd panicked over every single decision...they didn't make a difference. He did think Remi had presented a rather uncharitable version of events that had been more complex than he said, but he could see why the Alchemist would have seen things the way he had.
The only thing he didn't really feel sorry for was being with Loren, which he felt he had the full right to do and honestly, that it wasn't any of Remi's business. But given that was a petty fight and hardly the main core of the problem, he decided to leave it for the moment.
All of this obviously made him feel rather awful about himself, the yawning black hole of self-hatred opening up again, but he purposefully held back tears and objections, not wanting to fall into...well. Woe is me. But with that reaction aside, and forcing himself not to make excuses, and not wanting to upset Remi further...well, what was left? Silence didn't seem like a good response.
Sometimes he wished he didn't care at all, but even after the tirade he'd just heard, he desperately didn't want to hurt Remi.
"...Um..I.." He shook his head, wanting to start better. Hopefully Remi wouldn't hold this one thing against him, that he didn't know what words to formulate. "I didn't realise any of it hurt you like that. Well..some of it I did. The..the forgetting, which...I mean, I don't remember doing it, but if I could change it...but that's feeling sorry for me and apologising again, isn't it? Ah."
Ultimately he supposed there was only one thing to say. A conclusion he felt Remi had likely already come to, but maybe it would be good to have a proper footnote. "So I suppose we agree to start again and you care enough about me to let me try, or we...don't. Which...I suppose is what you've already done, so..." He shrugged into the darkness, not knowing what on Caido to say to present what he wanted to and running out of steam to try when it felt it was inevitable Remi would only hate him more with each word.
Let that be all that I need
SAMUEL
Base Code by Sky!
