She had to think to even remember what those arguments had been. Rubbed her temples against the soft pounding of a headache, brought on by too much gnashing of teeth, and counted them out, for Jigano to hear. Had she ever told him?
"To become strong, so that I won't cause grief and pain to others by needing to be protected. Strong enough that my friends can't hurt me, even by accident. Skilled enough to be useful, so that I won't lose a place to belong to... so that perhaps I can help the people I care about. Yes... those reasons are still true." Her arguments had been about keeping an eye on Zariah, on gaining control over herself so she wouldn't harm others, and becoming the best version of herself she could possibly be. That much was still true as well.
Unfortunately, Jigano's talk about distance being a good thing only made the girl sigh. If only it was that simple... "There's more to it than just wanting distance," she said quietly. "He's not one for sticking to rules or standards, and I'm... not as free spirited as that. There are certain arrangements I just can't wrap my head around... and it's come to the point where I'm either accepting his terms or losing him entirely." Her cheeks reddened, not entirely comfortable with the turn of the topic. Maea didn't know how open-minded Jigano was, where his morals pointed. In many ways he was strict and proper, and in others... He did keep the Advocates a secret.
But Jigano went on to answer her questions, and it was a relief to shift focus to him for a moment. As always, it was both a relief and very unsettling to hear that her hero and rolemodel didn't have all his sheep together all the time. If he didn't know what he was doing... how was she supposed to?
The question had Maea shake her head, thoughtful. "I... can't say I believe in either," she replied. "They imply that there is some greater plan with creation, that there is a right and wrong way for things to turn out.
"I hold more to the idea of action and reaction. A water drop makes the surface of a pond ripple, causing waves, that causes water to overflow, and it spills to the ground. There, an ant drowns, but the grass will become greener for it, and something will survive because it could feed on the dead ant. Cause and effect."
She pointed to the bowl, to the ripples his finger had created.
"I suppose the question becomes, where did the drop come from, and why did it land where it did? Was it fate, or coincidence? Do the gods have a plan, or do they simply react to what goes on around them? Are they chess masters, or children playing marble?
"I would prefer to think there is a plan... because then there would be someone to blame for everything that goes wrong. But that would take away all personal responsibility for our actions, and lead nowhere."
Maea scratched her nose. Looked at Jigano, as curious as he. "What do you think?"
Maea
this too shall pass
