[SE] the joy of youth is to disobey

"W-well, I... I guess, but... " They eased down out and sighed. "I just want to help her. She's my little sister."

They looked up and down the beach, walked a little ways off, and picked up another shell. "I guess, for now, I'll just collect seashells for her. Maybe she'll want to come here and see the ocean for herself, collect her own shells. And maybe I can convince her to..."

They paused and, instead of finishing that sentence, swapped to a completely different one. "I don't think she thought that Abandoned were... I mean, I don't know, but..." They weren't doing so hot on finishing these sentences either. "I think she just knows that other people think badly... and, I mean... it is pretty horrible that we call them - you, any of you - 'Abandoned'."

Which lit a whole different idea in their head. "What do you think we should call Abandoned instead of 'Abandoned'?" Is it better than 'Disappeared'? I need to remember not to call Miss Valair that, either.

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

"It is hard to admit that the monsters you were taught to fear are just people, same as you," she mused, picking up on a thread that Quanil seemed hesitant to bring up. "Just look at the way we all treat the Ascended... Just because they chose to follow a different path than us, doesn't mean they don't feel, same as us." It had taken her far too long to accept that. Still couldn't, in many ways, and yet... The challenging stare of Amun's eyes kept burning her, pushing her to think deeper.

"Once, we were known as Acquired," she told the youth. "But there's nothing wrong with calling us Abandoned, because that's what we are now. The gods have turned their hands away from us, because of transgressions of the past, and regaining their trust is neither easy nor quick. But that doesn't mean it can't be done."

Maea fingered the shawl worn over her head, touched the thin, dark fabric with reverence.

"If your sister wishes for a path or a purpose... tell her what Ludo told me. 'Use your magic modestly, under the eyes of the Old Gods'. Perhaps she might find some comfort in that. I certainly did."

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

"Thank you, and I will share that with her, but 'Abandoned' still seems... wrong. It seems wrong to punish you and all the other magic users just because some of them a long time ago got ... uppity. It doesn't seem fair. Not that anything's fair, I know, I know," they said before she could. Everyone always told them that. Life isn't fair. Gods aren't fair. Nothing's fair.

Didn't mean it was okay.
Something should be fair, dammit. Just one thing in the whole of creation.

"I don't think she's going to be very... showy about her magic, but..." They had to think about how to phrase this for their particular company. "I love my parents. I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but they basically kicked me out of the house with nothing, just because I didn't want to do things their way.

"It seems wrong to throw someone out of your house and then still expect them to obey you. Not you you," they clarified before continuing, "If you wanted that, maybe you should have kept them around, or at least have been nice to them." They cleared their throat. "I admit, it was nice that one time I got something even vaguely like an answer at a shrine. But... I'm not sure Freina's gonna bother much with the Old Gods any more. She usually gets angrier about stuff than I do."

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

Again, Maea could only shrug. "It is how it is," she said, repeating a very common Grounder sentiment. "Complaining about whether something is fair or not won't change how it is. Don't be too quick to judge a situation when you've only seen one side of it. The Old Gods made this world, Quanil, and us too. They are under no obligation to be fair, or nice, or even to make sense. Whether your sister chooses to follow their wishes is up to her, and I won't argue with anything to the contrary, as long as her actions don't jeoperdize others." Arguing over the sentiment of a girl that wasn't even around to speak for herself was rather pointless however, and would lead nowhere.

Maea turned and stepped through the surging waves, wading a bit deeper out. Rather than wash up over her slender frame however, the water seemed to surge around her, not quite reaching all the way in to soak her skin. When she bent down to reach for something on the ground, the water accommodated her and moved out of the way; the use of the water magic was so effortless that it seemed almost non-existent. More like the sea had gained a mind of its own, rather than being bent and shaped by mortal will. Frankly, Maea hardly thought twice about it either, the control coming so easy to her these days.

When she turned back to Quanil, it was with a rather big shell held before her. Marbled in pink and white, it spiraled in on itself, and was heavy enough that she had to use both hands to support it. A conch shell, empty and washed clean by the seawater.

"What about this, you think she'd find it interesting?" She held up the shell, and used a trickle of telekinesis to make it float over to Quanil, carried on some invisible wind.

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Dammit, they knew it wasn't fair. NOTHING was fair, and they'd heard that over and over again. They could hear "it is how it is" in their sleep and they were beginning to rankle at it. The first unkind thought about Miss Maea Valair the Disappeared came to their mind: No wonder you're not a Loreseeker anymore.

It didn't change their overall opinion of her; they were just annoyed and... and frustrated, and it was unfair to take it out on her. But they felt helpless and... useless. Again. As always. Because the best thing they could do for their sister was to stay away from her and... and gather pretty little objects in the surely-vain hope they'd cheer her up.

But they had to hope.
Hope that, one day, they'd be worth something.
Hope that, one day, they'd stop being an object of pity and become a person of respect.
Hope that, one day very soon, Freina would smile again.
Because if they gave up that hope, they'd be surrendering to "it is how it is." And they couldn't. They wouldn't.

So while Maea worked her magic, Quanil just focused on settling down, on smiling their useless smile, and being what everyone expected of them again: at worst, nothing, and at best, nothing harmful.

"Oh, that's... very impressive!" They meant the shell more than the magic, but both were good. They stretched their hands out, as if to relieve the magic of the burden of the shell. It seemed polite. "And heavier than you'd think it'd be. I mean, it's so big, of course it's not as light as the others, but... um, yes, I think she'd like it." She'd've been bowled over back before the Fiat Lux Festival.

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

When Quanil took the shell, Maea let go of it. It would drop a little into their hands, adding all of the weight as the unseen grip relinquished its hold; the woman nodded, unaware of the less than happy sentiments she had aroused within the enthusiastic youth. Though perhaps she wouldn't have been surprised if she did know.

"That's good then," she said, and came wading up from the water, since her company seemed disinclined to join. Ocean drained from her clothes, far more thoroughly than was natural, until the cloth hung dry and light on her once more. Her shoes did not creak or chirp with moisture as she walked across the sand, nor did she seem cold or particularly bothered by the lack of reply to her reprimand.

"I hope your sister comes around. Change is not always welcome, especially when you don't think there's anything wrong with what you already have. I certainly don't like when people step in to 'improve' something for me, without being asked to...

"But whether we like it or not, change is part of this world. When I worried about it, I got the answer that it's like a river; you either learn to flow along with it, or you are drowned by it." She chewed her lip, unsure whether she was saying enough, if she'd already said too much.

"I wish you luck in helping her. Gods know, I'm not good at that part."

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

"Maybe you're better than you know?" Quanil offered, swinging their pack off and kneeling down so they could put the shell in it carefully (this thing certainly wouldn't fit in their pocket!). They did the best they could to cushion it, then closed up the pack again before putting it back on.

"Who told you the... the river analogy? Was that Ludo again?" They almost, almost asked if it were Mr. Sunjata, because they'd never seen him worried about all that much, but it probably wasn't a good idea to bring him up in the midst of their... complications.

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

"Maybe, maybe not. I can't really be the judge of that... What do you think?" Maea tilted her head at Quanil, a half smile on her lips that wasn't very happy looking. "Do you feel helped? Or do you have more questions now than before you started talking to me?" Because she certainly didn't have any real answers to offer, and was very aware of it.

She watched as the shell was packed away, absently wondering whether the Abandoned girl would actually like it. If her mental state was as bad as this loving sibling suggested, then... the risk was it would earn a quick smile at best before being thrown deep into some drawer, or out a window. It was hard being considerate to others when you didn't feel good about yourself.

"Yes," Maea replied simply. "It's been very kind to me."

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Quanil shrugged. "Uh... I... pretty much always have questions. Answers pretty much always lead to more questions lead to more questions lead to maybe one or two answers, then even more questions... That's just kind of how I am. But I do feel helped. I mean, you've given me lots of advice on Torchline and told me where to go to get more training and told me about the ocean and seashells and even got that nice big one for Freina! So... yeah, why wouldn't I feel helped?"

Some point soon, they might need to be pointed in the direction of food, but for now, they'd leave that be. Because, of course, as always, they had more questions.

"Really? What's it like? I mean... Well, when I asked it, I meant 'What's Ludo like?', but then there's also 'what's it like to be friends with a God?' and..." Their smile turned sheepish. "See? Always more questions."

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

There was an open honesty about the answer that took Maea aback. She wasn't used to being faced with that level of truth, plain and simple and without adornment... it was the same kind of answer she might have given someone else, and she was met with the uncomfortable sensation of talking to herself. Which... wasn't entirely pleasant.

"Well... if that's true then it's fine," she replied gruffly, turning away slightly. Embarrassed, awkward... not sure what to do with the answer.

It didn't actually help to get another question this time, because the subject did not get easier to answer. "Ludo is... Ludo," she said, helplessly. Lifting her hands to shrug. "It's... fickle, I'd say. Very kind and comforting to some, while others have had far less pleasant encounters.

"I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm friends with it, because that implies I know anything about it. Which I don't. I like Ludo. Love it, would do anything it asked of me, but... I can never tell if the sentiment is returned."

There had been gentle teasing rags tickling her ears, pats on her head, rags draped over her shoulders like a cloak in a familiar, comfortable manner... but there was also short, clipped conversation, lacking communication, and an ever present feeling of being inadequate on her part. Fear of asking for too much, that she would be turned away, push her luck too far and be rejected.

A lack of trust, in essence.

"You almost have to meet Ludo to know what its like," she said, shrugging lightly.

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

They listened intently to every word, essentially taking mental notes. Quanil had a decent memory for the gist of things, but didn't literally remember every word. But it often looked like they were trying to. It was almost possible, if you paid close enough attention to them, to see the pencil scribbling away on the paper.

"Oh, right, that makes sense, of course," they agreed, nodding, as she shrugged. "Like with people that way, I guess. Kind of sounds like people in general, really. A very... people sort of God," they decided, and this time they were nodding in agreement with themselves. Maybe they were all that way.

Which raised possibly the most dangerous question Quanil had ever conceived of in their short life:

The New Gods used to be people. Maybe... a long, long, long time ago, the Old Gods were, too?

It would certainly explain why the Old Gods had gotten so angry over the New Gods. They weren't just power-hungry upstarts clawing their way into divinity; they were upstarts who had discovered the Truth.

It was a theory. Quanil had absolutely no proof of it.
Still, they couldn't help wondering.

"Does Ludo ever talk about any of the other gods with you? Like 'oh, Frey said the most hilarious thing the other day' or 'you should have seen what Safrin was wearing' or anything like that?"

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

It made absolutely no sense to her, but Maea only smiled, let Quanil think what they wanted. As she was no mind reader, she had no way of knowing what paths their mind walked, and all she knew was the next question - because there was always a next one, wasn't there.

"No, not at all," she replied, shaking her head. "So far, it has only answered a few times, when I was praying. We talk about what was on my mind, and a few times I have asked for help, or advice.

"Last time, I asked for a job, something to do... and Ludo tasked me with removing a Cat Sith from its woods. With a little help from Delphia, we managed. And I found a companion thanks to that."

Maea sent a gently prodding thought, and from within the folds of her shawl, a small bluish glow kindled. An orb of light untangled itself, barely visible in the bright sunlight, but did not leave her shoulder, a shadowed nest beneath silken hair. A subdued grumble reached her through the bond, and with a soft smile she cupped a hand over it, adding more darkness and shade for it to glow in.

"This is Shii," she said. "A will-o-wisp."

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Fortunately for Maea's ears, a little glowing orb was not something that Quanil would react to with the usual high-pitched squealing that went on when someone showed them their pet. She might also consider herself fortunate that Quanil was now distracted from Strange Questions About Gods, which was also a common occurrence when they met a pet.

"Amazing! Hello, Shii! I'm Quanil!" Talking to will-o-wisps was at least slightly more understandable than talking to plants. They looked to Maea. "Does Shii not like the sunlight? Does brighter light threaten to overwhelm... Shii?" Because they weren't sure what pronouns, if any, were appropriate for a little ball of light, and "it" tended to be taken poorly unless otherwise called for (understandably, of course).

Maea

And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain

The orb pulsed slightly in subdued acknowledgement of the greeting, but it didn't leave Maea's shoulder. "Both yes and no, but not in a harmful sense," she replied, giving the wisp an amused glance. "It's merely sulking. Shii is a bit vain, it wants to have everyones attention... and with that big orb over there - " she pointed up at the sun " - it doesn't glow as brightly as it would in the dark. That's all. I've yet to find anything that really bothers it, aside from Cat Sith." Her companion was still a mystery in a lot of ways.

Indeed, with both their attention focused on it, the wisp seemed to be recovering with remarkable speed. Its light pulsed and expanded, hues shifting from a sullen blue to soft icy whites that shifted and swayed, casting dancing shadows over Maea's hands and face.

Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay