MAEA
He shrugged at her failed attempts of the past, and Maea did the same to his words, knowing it was true... and also that there had been more to it than just trying to make people happy.
But she saved her emotions for the subject of them, and Sunjata's response to her admission of not having any answers yet. He didn't either, that was plain enough. And he still wanted the distance, which made the skin of her underarms feel very tender and brittle, aching like ants set them on fire. He talked about returning to being only friends - was that even possible - and again the pain in her chest, the vehement jealousy and possessiveness when she wondered if that meant they would no longer be exclusive to each other. Did 'just friends' sleep with other people?
But that was the kind of thinking that landed them in this place to begin with, and Maea breathed deep to try and settle the feeling. In through her nose, out through the mouth. Over and over, in Loren's meditation trick to gain control - over herself, her thoughts, the conversation - and it helped her ground herself enough to still sound calm when she spoke.
"I don't have any answers either yet," she reiterated. "A mutual friend of ours told me it was okay to not know what to do... so I tried to focus on othet things. Like the kind of options I had to choose from. Either... an open relation with you, or none at all."
Because that's where they had been when they left off. All Sunjata's terms, and all ones she hated.
"I decided, that I don't want to choose either. But... what if there was a third option? What if... we could go back to where we were when we stepped over the threshold of that house? When we were still an us, and you take the time you need to figure things out, and we both take things more slowly to look for answers. Where you are still trying, and I will be too, and where maybe... possibly... I would not hate the idea of sharing you.. If I could just be there too? I think... that would only be scary. Not something to be broken by."
She spoke steadily, but would hold up a shaky hand in case he tried to interrupt, asking to finish before he spoke again. Maea wanted to just get this out there before she lost courage again.
"Because, the thing is? You have not actually fucked anything up. All you did was ask for time, which is a very reasonable thing, all things considered. I'm the one who panicked and tried to force answers before there were any to be had."
Maea didn't look at him, just stared out to sea. Wondered if this thinking made her a naive fool.
"That's the kind of middle ground I can imagine. Where we both work on things, and both sacrifice a little. And if it works, it works, and if it doesn't... then that will be another conversation.
"That's... about as far as I've come in my thinking. And you don't have to answer anything either yet, just... Can I ask you to consider it, at least? Along with everything else..."
She closed her shaking hands, clutching the fabric of her skirts between fingers that felt cold and numb. Wondering if he would reject her thoughts outright. If it really was too late to take that step back and pick up where they had left off.
But she saved her emotions for the subject of them, and Sunjata's response to her admission of not having any answers yet. He didn't either, that was plain enough. And he still wanted the distance, which made the skin of her underarms feel very tender and brittle, aching like ants set them on fire. He talked about returning to being only friends - was that even possible - and again the pain in her chest, the vehement jealousy and possessiveness when she wondered if that meant they would no longer be exclusive to each other. Did 'just friends' sleep with other people?
But that was the kind of thinking that landed them in this place to begin with, and Maea breathed deep to try and settle the feeling. In through her nose, out through the mouth. Over and over, in Loren's meditation trick to gain control - over herself, her thoughts, the conversation - and it helped her ground herself enough to still sound calm when she spoke.
"I don't have any answers either yet," she reiterated. "A mutual friend of ours told me it was okay to not know what to do... so I tried to focus on othet things. Like the kind of options I had to choose from. Either... an open relation with you, or none at all."
Because that's where they had been when they left off. All Sunjata's terms, and all ones she hated.
"I decided, that I don't want to choose either. But... what if there was a third option? What if... we could go back to where we were when we stepped over the threshold of that house? When we were still an us, and you take the time you need to figure things out, and we both take things more slowly to look for answers. Where you are still trying, and I will be too, and where maybe... possibly... I would not hate the idea of sharing you.. If I could just be there too? I think... that would only be scary. Not something to be broken by."
She spoke steadily, but would hold up a shaky hand in case he tried to interrupt, asking to finish before he spoke again. Maea wanted to just get this out there before she lost courage again.
"Because, the thing is? You have not actually fucked anything up. All you did was ask for time, which is a very reasonable thing, all things considered. I'm the one who panicked and tried to force answers before there were any to be had."
Maea didn't look at him, just stared out to sea. Wondered if this thinking made her a naive fool.
"That's the kind of middle ground I can imagine. Where we both work on things, and both sacrifice a little. And if it works, it works, and if it doesn't... then that will be another conversation.
"That's... about as far as I've come in my thinking. And you don't have to answer anything either yet, just... Can I ask you to consider it, at least? Along with everything else..."
She closed her shaking hands, clutching the fabric of her skirts between fingers that felt cold and numb. Wondering if he would reject her thoughts outright. If it really was too late to take that step back and pick up where they had left off.
Lost in a world full of non-believers
Searching for smoke in a still water pond
Searching for smoke in a still water pond
BASE INSPIRED BY ODD <3
