- NATE -
but who am I to say?
let's all just run away
let's all just run away
Being pulled so close only calls back to an easier talk, a different time, but it has Nate's fingers scrabbling against Sunjata's back, trying to somehow pull him closer. At this point, it's as much for Nate himself as it is for the other man, a wordless expression of need in the face of his own fragmenting. Fingers tremble, for the first time, when they're leaned into, a thumb immediately moving to wipe away the tear that falls, Nate understanding the shame, the urge to give in to it. It's where he'd be right now, if it wasn't for everything else, every other emotion crashing down on his exhausted psyche.
Regret though, rears its head no matter what else he's feeling, no matter how much else wears upon him. And it rears quickly, as soon as he feels the stillness in the other man, the stiffening in response to his words. A stillness that Nate matches, that he can do so much better than the other man, that seems to have so much less weight because of it. This is his default state, isn't it? Fucking up and frozen in the face of it.
There is a chance, as the question comes, as Sunjata's eyes close, and Nate doesn't know how to respond. Doesn't have a fucking clue. He'd said he was selfish, but he's a coward too, and pushing too far is how he loses things. "I..." His voice is a croak, air pressed through a dry, closing throat. "I don't know. I want to... go through this shit with you. Help you with it." His voice doesn't improve, but he can't feel the way it rips through him, so does it really matter? "I want to have you... do the same for me. I want to fucking just... be able to hold you through these things." And again, his hands tighten, fingers twisting into ash stained clothes and against filthy skin. It takes another long moment before Nate continues, like he's savouring their closeness. "However you want me to." The words are somehow more strained than what preceded them, somehow harder to get out.
It's not a backpedal, not quite, but it's also not really an answer. And before any kind of response comes, Nate is trying to shift, to close things off. Not quite pulling away, but letting the hand on Sunjata's face slip, letting his eyes close so he doesn't have to watch the response roll over the attuned's face. Selfish, and cowardly, and full of shame for the both of them.
Regret though, rears its head no matter what else he's feeling, no matter how much else wears upon him. And it rears quickly, as soon as he feels the stillness in the other man, the stiffening in response to his words. A stillness that Nate matches, that he can do so much better than the other man, that seems to have so much less weight because of it. This is his default state, isn't it? Fucking up and frozen in the face of it.
There is a chance, as the question comes, as Sunjata's eyes close, and Nate doesn't know how to respond. Doesn't have a fucking clue. He'd said he was selfish, but he's a coward too, and pushing too far is how he loses things. "I..." His voice is a croak, air pressed through a dry, closing throat. "I don't know. I want to... go through this shit with you. Help you with it." His voice doesn't improve, but he can't feel the way it rips through him, so does it really matter? "I want to have you... do the same for me. I want to fucking just... be able to hold you through these things." And again, his hands tighten, fingers twisting into ash stained clothes and against filthy skin. It takes another long moment before Nate continues, like he's savouring their closeness. "However you want me to." The words are somehow more strained than what preceded them, somehow harder to get out.
It's not a backpedal, not quite, but it's also not really an answer. And before any kind of response comes, Nate is trying to shift, to close things off. Not quite pulling away, but letting the hand on Sunjata's face slip, letting his eyes close so he doesn't have to watch the response roll over the attuned's face. Selfish, and cowardly, and full of shame for the both of them.
grab your saints and pray
and we'll burn this world today
and we'll burn this world today
