It doesn't dawn on me until after the fact that I have transformed into quite the predator. It is probably strange, just how comfortable I immediately am in this new skin - and I think, with my mind being so scientifically-wired, I was too distracted by the sheer newness of my heightened senses to immediately understand the impact my change had on the mood in the room.
"Hah," I lace the sarcasm on thick as I respond to the raven's titling me kitten. A small huff of breath is pushed from my nostrils, a scoff, as I am not annoyed by his words, but amused in a please-don't-call-me-that-again kind of way.
Great sadness fills me as I watch Astra scamper away from me, as I watch the honey badger react with tension and ultimately shed his furred body and return to the human who greeted me before. I want to apologise "-Oh, Astra, I'm sorry, I didn't reali-" I push through the bond, though I don't know whether she hears it - was Astra an attuned as well? Somehow, I think she is something different (I had not heard her thoughts, she has behaved so differently to the others in the room thus far), and yet, I hope she hears my message, in some way or another.
I keep my spotted form for now, an inner battle daring to rage within me as I war between wanting to be polite to Korbin, and salvage what remains of Astra's kind opinion of me. I resume my place upon the chair, my tail swinging through the air, balancing my tightly knotted body as it configured itself back into a sitting position. I try not to get distracted with looking at my own giant paws, or even my twitching tail - I wrap it around myself, for both security and an attempt to let myself focus.
And focus I do.
Loren's words don't hit me all at once. You see, I have what some would call an unhealthy way of dealing with my emotions. I compartmentalise - it has allowed me to deal with emergency situations in a calm, effective manner whilst in the moment, only to almost drown in the waves of fucked up emotions at a later date. I've done it all through my life - some psychologist would probably diagnose me with PTSD for it, but again, that sort of thing just isn't something I am mentally equipped to deal with.
"Oh, I -" I begin, an attempt to formulate some kind of reply, before the first wave hits me.
One way trip.
No going home. No more veterinary science. No more family, friends, animals..
No more Antarctica. No more Australia. No more Earth.
I breathe, blinking slowly, before bowing my head down into my oversized paws and shutting my eyes.
This is it. This is… life, now.
If I were wearing my human skin, I'd be crying, no doubt. I fucking hate crying - and I realise I had already done it, if extremely briefly, in front of Korbin, when I was first transported onto the tundra, and again when the sight of the city became visible on the horizon as we were journeying here. Frustration builds up within me, and without realising it, it probably floods the attuned-bond as well. Frustration at my own lack of power, of not knowing how to fix this, of feeling so inept -
And then the sadness, the sorrow, the sheer depression came. It weighed down on me, and I find myself laying down, letting it all wash over me.
So much for handling this well.
"Sorry, Korbin, but I need a drink," I offer dully, before essentially doing what I did before except in reverse - I focus on my human form, and allow it to change me.
And then, I am back, human, my face in my hands. I slowly sit up straighter, and reach for the mulled wine that I had placed to the side earlier, and take a deep yet barely satisfying drought from it.
"Well, that's a bit shit," I summarise, doing what I do best and deflecting. Tears make my eyes a bit misty, but I blink them away and look at my now-empty cup. "Got a refill?"
"Hah," I lace the sarcasm on thick as I respond to the raven's titling me kitten. A small huff of breath is pushed from my nostrils, a scoff, as I am not annoyed by his words, but amused in a please-don't-call-me-that-again kind of way.
Great sadness fills me as I watch Astra scamper away from me, as I watch the honey badger react with tension and ultimately shed his furred body and return to the human who greeted me before. I want to apologise "-Oh, Astra, I'm sorry, I didn't reali-" I push through the bond, though I don't know whether she hears it - was Astra an attuned as well? Somehow, I think she is something different (I had not heard her thoughts, she has behaved so differently to the others in the room thus far), and yet, I hope she hears my message, in some way or another.
I keep my spotted form for now, an inner battle daring to rage within me as I war between wanting to be polite to Korbin, and salvage what remains of Astra's kind opinion of me. I resume my place upon the chair, my tail swinging through the air, balancing my tightly knotted body as it configured itself back into a sitting position. I try not to get distracted with looking at my own giant paws, or even my twitching tail - I wrap it around myself, for both security and an attempt to let myself focus.
And focus I do.
Loren's words don't hit me all at once. You see, I have what some would call an unhealthy way of dealing with my emotions. I compartmentalise - it has allowed me to deal with emergency situations in a calm, effective manner whilst in the moment, only to almost drown in the waves of fucked up emotions at a later date. I've done it all through my life - some psychologist would probably diagnose me with PTSD for it, but again, that sort of thing just isn't something I am mentally equipped to deal with.
"Oh, I -" I begin, an attempt to formulate some kind of reply, before the first wave hits me.
One way trip.
No going home. No more veterinary science. No more family, friends, animals..
No more Antarctica. No more Australia. No more Earth.
I breathe, blinking slowly, before bowing my head down into my oversized paws and shutting my eyes.
This is it. This is… life, now.
If I were wearing my human skin, I'd be crying, no doubt. I fucking hate crying - and I realise I had already done it, if extremely briefly, in front of Korbin, when I was first transported onto the tundra, and again when the sight of the city became visible on the horizon as we were journeying here. Frustration builds up within me, and without realising it, it probably floods the attuned-bond as well. Frustration at my own lack of power, of not knowing how to fix this, of feeling so inept -
And then the sadness, the sorrow, the sheer depression came. It weighed down on me, and I find myself laying down, letting it all wash over me.
So much for handling this well.
"Sorry, Korbin, but I need a drink," I offer dully, before essentially doing what I did before except in reverse - I focus on my human form, and allow it to change me.
And then, I am back, human, my face in my hands. I slowly sit up straighter, and reach for the mulled wine that I had placed to the side earlier, and take a deep yet barely satisfying drought from it.
"Well, that's a bit shit," I summarise, doing what I do best and deflecting. Tears make my eyes a bit misty, but I blink them away and look at my now-empty cup. "Got a refill?"
Chulane
fridooh & whimzi @ deviantart
