Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
And there it was. The rebound. The gut punch as the single, simple word spoke a truth Korbin really was quite aware of. Of course the guy wouldn't have anyone - how could he, when he'd been dropped here only days ago? - and it made that stirring in Korbin's gut more insistent.
Pity, it was. Compassion, even. Warm and soft and weak, and it brought all his fears flaring up to life. Fear of pain, of loss, of change, until the slivers of who and what he was had faded completely and nothing remained. The cold darkness seemed safer, like a cloak to sweep himself into. If he didn't feel he couldn't care, if he didn't care he wouldn't hurt when people inevitably left or died.
Oh, it was a vicious cycle. An endless repetition of negatives that brought him spiralling into the abbyss. Fear breeding anger, that bred self-loathing, that bred more fear as the things he tried to protect were brought further out of reach by his own actions.
"Sucks to be you," he replied coldly, desperately trying to smother the part of himself that wanted to soften to the pitiful creature. "Doesn't mean I have to keep you company. I don't owe you anything."
He didn't want friends, or need them. Didn't want anything new or different to intrude on his already fucked up life - it was bad enough as it was.
My sharp, direct retort was enough to keep him lingering, keep him holding on, though I don't think he hardly knew it. He was lost as I, as adrift in emotions, though he guarded them well, just instead of smiles and kindly gestures, he let rancour and scorn be his puppet (or was he a puppet to them?)
As icy as my gaze came his reply, as he pushed against the empathic link our race shared, as he fought it and maintained a tremulous hold upon it. My own emotions had crept back within me, introverting, though instead of happiness and hope, I now allow my feline façade to rule, to stare simply, precisely, to not deviate, to only hold this raven, this bird, this boy in its glare and not release him until I've had yet another chance to respond, at least.
"You're right," I confirm, accepting his judgement, his malice and even his pity, knowing that at least some of them were true - I was but a pitiful creature, new and freshly placed in this land, pulled through against my will, with abilities thrust upon me that I am still learning, and here I sit before him, knowing all of that, and having the gall to ask for more.
"You owe me nothing, but you would have my thanks nonetheless." Perhaps it was a foolish errand, a gesture that would go unreturned, but I was a man (cat) of honest ideals and optimistic wiles - I could not not try, even if I resulted in failure.
And so I sat before him still, a quiet thrum of simple acceptance humming from me, detectable by him should he wish to hear it. I would accept what he had to say to me, even if he wished to retreat now - I would follow him no longer.
Why Chulane was begging for the company of someone who so clearly wanted nothing to do with him was beyond Korbin. He had not been nice for a single instant of the time they had spent together. He had stolen a glove, dragged the guy at a brutal pace over the Tundra, been snide, unfriendly and downright dismissive every second of the time, and even gone so far as to tell him to fuck off. Yet still he sat there, looking pathetic, hoping for something that definitely wouldn't happen.
Clearly the guy didn't understand the meaning of no.
Korbin's entire being fairly thrummed with reluctance, with denial, with rejection and frustration, but the quiet trickle of emotion that continually leaked from Chuy was slowly eating away at his resolve. The raven sidestepped back and forth, ruffled its feathers in huffy agitation, and finally hissed a peeved sigh.
"Fine," he half growled, as through clenched teeth he didn't actually have at the moment. "But it's just once, and just a meal. Got it?"
Feeling like he had somehow made a pact with some evil spirit, the raven flew down to the ground and shifted, Korbin's tall, dark figure blurring back into existence. He looked... not welcoming. Or happy. Or anything except annoyed and reluctant.
But hey, that's what the guy signed up for, he only had himself to blame.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
I was ready to walk, ready to concede, to accept his final judgement, his rejection, and so when it did not come, I was surprised - pleasantly so. I had succeeded, triumphed over the stubbornness of a teenager!
Maybe I would grow to regret my persistence, but right now I was just happy, satisfied, to have changed his mind, and gained myself a companion for a meal. Though I estimated that the upcoming meal would be done in silence, at least on his part, I called this a small win.
A purr happily vibrated in my chest, my eyes squinting as they looked at the now-boy standing before me, a soft pulse of gratitude sent along with the single word: "Thanks."
I too find my human form again, rising to a height not-quite equal to him, and happily wander in the direction of the eatery. I choose someplace that would have a lot of people intentionally - I think that a place like the tavern or the Kraai would almost be too intimate, too confronting, and tensions were high enough.
But, I seemed to continually get things wrong in Korbin's eyes, so I doubted there was much I could do that would appease the boy.
I tuck my hands into my pockets and walk, a friendly smile on my lips, proving that one didn't necessarily need to be happy in order to seem happy, wondering all the while what was going to come of this afternoon venture.
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing
Korbin didn't bother pretending. It was utterly pointless to mask his displeasure when he wanted to push people away. He didn't care if they were offended or hurt, couldn't be bothered to give a damn about anything or anyone. Except his sister. And that tether too was fraying at the ends, as their communication kept slipping.
Hands tucked deep into the pockets of the heavy overcoat, Korbin stalked along after Chulane, like a second looming shadow. He didn't comment on the choice of place to eat, or say anything at all. This whole charade seemed utterly pointless to him. His presence couldn't possibly make the guy feel less alone; ought to rather have the opposite effect, as the raven wouldn't look at him, talk or even indicate he was there at all.
What was the point of this? He wasn't even hungry.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
I asked myself that a few times, as we walked in silence towards the tavern, doing my best to simply exist and ignore the awkwardness of spending time with someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me.
I decided that perhaps it was time I found out why. Why did he despise me so, treat me so poorly? Was it just me, or the rest of the world as well? I wondered at what had happened to him to cause him to behave this way, and I could only think that it was some great tragedy - though I knew, for a teenager, almost anything could be considered a great tragedy.
And so we arrived at the tavern, and I pre-paid our bill by fetching firewood from the stack they had outside, moving it to a more convenient spot by the fireplace. I let Korbin order whatever meal he so desired, placing a request for roast Ningo and vegetables for myself, before settling at our spot.
I do not bother with verbal communication, or shifting so that I might send the boy my thoughts (the prospect of sending through my emotions was still quite confronting to me, however well I managed to control it before). I had gotten into the habit of keeping paper and charcoal pencil on me, to take notes on interesting things I learned in my wanderings of this place, so I fetched it from a pocket (along with another biscuit, which I laid on the table with a sly wink sent Korbin's way).
My face grew more sombre, more serious as I wrote on my paper, however. I hoped the kid would at least look at it, consider it as seriously as I intended. When I had completed it, I placed it on the table before me, with a piece of charcoal beside it, should he deign to respond.
It read: 'Why do you hate me so?'
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing
Korbin would settle his bill afterwards. Had a running tab in most places, because the locals knew he would be around to help out with anything they might need. It was tempting to not order anything at all, as he wasn't hungry or indeed set on enduring this for longer than necessary... He settled for a soup that could be downed quickly and settled in, looking for all the world like a badger with a toothache.
When Chulane scribbled the note and pushed it over, it was habit that made him cast a glance at it. Biting his jaws together until the muscles feathered and tensed, Korbin turned away and stared off at a far wall. Thoughts churning. Searching for an answer that wouldn't turn this into a debate.
"I don't hate you. That would require caring about your existence, and I don't do that either. You annoy me because I want to be left alone, and you're not listening."
There. Perfectly reasonable. Very civil. And let that be the end of if. Korbin's food arrived and without waiting for Chulane to get his meal, the raven raised the bowl to his mouth.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
Hope also reignited within me when he announced that he held no hatred towards me. It sunk rather rapidly when he then continued to announce that he held no feelings whatsoever about me - though I wasn't sure I believed him.
If he truly did not care, why did he let me convince him into attending this meal with me? He could have flown away, he was about to, and so why was he here?
I sigh all the same, a solemn expression touching my features as I take in his words. I nod, once, a small gesture to show that I heard him.
Food arrived, Korbin's just before my own. He was determined to eat it as fast as possible, no doubt to shorten this experience - I hadn't missed the terms of his attendance, the emphasis he placed on only staying for the food and nothing else.
I don't start eating, instead spending my time writing another message for him.
'Sorry.
It was selfish of me.
I hope to earn your forgiveness one day.'
I placed it before him, then rose, my meal untouched. I made my apologies to the staff, and asked that they give it to their next diner, free of charge, before exiting the tavern, no hesitation in my steps, merely the pulling up of my coat collar as added insurance against the cold air.
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing
If this was meant as some kind of ploy to guilt Korbin into changing his mind, it didn't work. His eyes remained cold and distant as Chulane scribbled the message, and he merely threw a quick glance at it, not saying anything to either accept or reject the apology.
He watched the other man rise and leave with something implacable and hard in his eyes, and didn't stop him. When it seemed the man had truly left, Korbin let out a long, heavy sigh and slumped back into the chair, dragging a hand over his face.
Finally. But though a small part of him rejoiced in the successful driving off of the intruder, the major part of him was just a roiling mess of self-loathing and guilt. It wasn't Chulane's fault that he was a mess, and the guy didn't actually deserve the treatment. But Korbin couldn't stand the presence, the puppy eyes, the unspoken expectation and hope in the cat's eyes.
There would be no bonding and small talk over a shared meal. No laughter or sharing of personal experiences, no friendships. Korbin knew what was expected and he hated the idea of it all. He was sick and tired of people, and he would drive off every single one who came calling if that's what it took to find some peace and quiet.
He sat brooding, eyes black and air forbidding enough that the staff left him alone. The soup had gone cold when he finally stirred again, but the raven downed it anyway, and stood to leave.
It wouldn't do to waste food, even if it settled like a sloshy, nauseating lump in his gut.
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- Fin
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
