From being an Abandoned who had rarely left the Hollowed Grounds, to embracing the call of adventure, to dying and being reborn first as an Ascended and then as an Ancient, Maea has gone through quite the amount of changes in her life. One thing remains common, though, in her attempts to find out just where she belongs; she’s always had a craving for knowledge which has brought her to so many places and to meet so many people here in Caido. We can’t wait to see what else is in store for her!
Congratulations, Maea!
Credits
Court of the Fallen was created in October of 2018 by Odd, Honey, and Crooked.
Skinning and hosting by the epically talented Kaons, and functionality fanciness by the coding magic of Neowulf. If you ever see either of them around, make sure to show them some love!
Patiently, Korbin waited for the replies, and read them thoughtfully. He didn't know Amun either; that hadn't stopped him from spilling a good deal of things first time they met. As for not venting... well. Perhaps that was the problem, why the guy was still grieving.
"Whichever you prefer. I'm not going anywhere though. If you change your mind."
But what did Korbin know. He was not exactly a paragon of mental health and self-care either.
At the thanks, he just shrugged lightly and flashed the man a crooked smile. Letting his head fall back to rest against the wall again, he adjusted his seat to be slightly more comfortable. If Amun had nothing else to say, the raven would just remain quiet. Falling asleep was unlikely with a stranger present, but dozing was the second best thing.
It was not wholly unpleasant, to just sit in silence with another.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
Amun just snorted at Korbin's words, though the potter was glad the hunter couldn't hear. Turning, the Ascended gazed at the semi-translucent walls of the cathedral. For a moment, he just sat there, attention seemingly focused on anywhere but the other man.
However, Amun soon found his gaze drawn back to Korbin. The potter lifted his hand again. The glow shimmered and shifted in the telltale way that was the sign words were forming. When they did, he fixed the hunter with a look that was not particularly hopeful. How help? It was clear from the Ascended's expression that he very much didn't think talking would do anything to alleviate his sorrow.
Silence stretched long and heavy between them. For Korbin, it was nothing new. It owned him, ate at him, invaded his every thought and feeling. It was so utter and complete that it even invaded his dreams, and kept him firmly from falling asleep, even had the potter not been present.
With eyes half lidded and staring out into the night, it took him a moment to register that Amun was saying something again. Slowly, Korbin turned his head back, and watched the words form. They were rather generic, and could relate to a lot of things they had talked about, but... he guessed at the most apparent topic. The most recent one. He drew slowly after breath and sat up a bit straighter. Made an attempt to straighten out his own intentions with this - how deep would he be willing to plunge with this person before it was too much, too close, too personal?
"Think of it as... lancing a boil," he offered hoarsely, reaching for the first analogy he could come up with. He'd been doing a lot of that at work lately; it came to mind all too easily. "Grief, like a wound, sometimes fester inside you. There are many ways of clearing it out. You can cry, or scream at the sky. Get in fistfights, drink until you pass out, lose yourself in art or work or in other people. Sometimes all of it, and sometimes... it just helps to put words on what you feel. Say it out loud, so you can see it more clearly."
He dragged a hand through the messy hair, turning it into even more of a mess as the hairs stood on end, untamed. Korbin had tried most of these things; some helped more than others. "It's no miracle fix, mind. It won't help if you don't want to let go of what's hurting you. That's my problem... and you see where that's taking me."
He gave Amun a wry smile, void of humor. Korbin was slowly turning bitter and hard, the more he let his pain rule his actions. He was aware of it, but couldn't let go. Just... couldn't bring himself to do it.
"But... well. It might help, if you let it." Broad shoulders rose and fell in a quiet shrug; it was up to the other if he wanted to talk or not. If this was what would help; Korbin had already offered to help, and he might be willing to do more than listen, depending on what the guy wished to try.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
As Korbin spoke, Amun's eyes narrowed slightly. Nodding slightly at the hunter's words, the potter turned to stare at the wall again. For a long moment, he didn't respond, just sat there in silence again.
Finally, though, he sighed and turned back to face the other man. Meeting the Attuned's gaze squarely, the Ascended lifted his hand. You first. His expression indicated that he wasn't going to change his mind about this.
The words shifted once again. Why so angry? Then he tapped his ear with his free hand. Besides deaf. Because Korbin had been rude and mean and angry when they'd first met, when everything had been working just fine.
Well, that didn't go the way he had wanted. Being a ball plank to vent against was one thing, offering up pieces of himself - even more than before - was another. Korbin struggled with mounting irritation at the guys reticense... until he realized that he indeed was as much a stranger to Amun as the man was to him.
In a peculiar way, they were as much equals as they could get. Aside from the whole Attuned versus Ascended thing. And age. And a whole array of other things that... well, set them apart. He sighed, trapped by his own logic. They didn't have to be similar to be equals, after all.
For a time, the young man closed his eyes, shut out the light. Considered, weighed options and risks. In the end... he decided that it didn't matter if Amun knew things about him. It couldn't hurt him; the opinions of this guy meant nothing.
"I guess... fear," he said slowly, and this time his voice was rough from more than just lack of use. "I've lost my family, one by one, since I was eight years old. As soon as I think I understand how the world works, something else is taken. Someone else. Now, I only have Weaver... and there is no way for me to ensure that she stays safe."
Opening his eyes, Korbin looked down at his hands. Opened and closed them in his lap, aching at the emptiness of them. The powerlessness in the face of change.
"As long as Halo was cut off, at least I knew the dangers. But with the portal, strangers come and go. She leaves, without taking me along. I go too, since she asks me to. Gods meddle with our lives even though they never bothered before...
"I don't know the rules of this new Halo. There is too much to know, too much to see, and even if I run around like a headless ningo I'll never learn everything there is to know about the other regions. It's impossible to understand them all; and it makes me scared. Makes me feel weak. Ignorant. Helpless. And I hate being helpless.
"I've no idea how to deal with the feeling... so I lash out. Can't stop myself - I don't want to be an ass, but I get overrun by my own emotions."
Afraid to lose what gave his life meaning. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of these strangers that tried to change the few things he still understood. Afraid to let them get close, lest they too became something that meant something - what if it made him lose focus of what was truly important? Keeping his sister safe.
The irony was that she was perfectly capable of protecting herself. Yet he still felt the need to watch her back, in case it gave her that extra moment needed to duck from an otherwise fatal blow.
He swallowed hard; it made him feel very exposed, to admit these things. Not a good feeling, truth be told, even if it did lighten the load a smidge. "Your turn," Korbin said. Damn if the man didn't answer.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
05-11-2020, 09:15 PM (This post was last modified: 05-11-2020, 11:32 PM by Amun.)
amun
For a moment, Amun thought Korbin would refuse to answer. As the hunter began to speak, though, the potter spun to face the other man more fully. Indeed, the Ascended's full attention was focused almost unnervingly on Korbin. By the end of the younger mans' explanation, though, Amun's expression had grown thoughtful.
Sorry. That sucks. There was an apologetic look on his face to accompany the words. Hesitating, he commanded the patch to change. Want my advice?
As the hunter asked the potter to unburden himself, he shrugged. Hard to say. His eyes were distant and sorrowful, and the words came haltingly, a byproduct of this weird mode of communication. I lost the person I was closest to and I don't even know how she died. But the world moved on, way too quickly, even when I didn't, and I don't know how to catch up on my own. And I'm so fucking lonely. All the time.
It did suck. And even more so because this was only one of many many reasons why he acted like he did. Korbin could sit all day and come up with them, search his soul in a quest for answers and find them, one for every situation. Layered upon one another, endlessly, until he couldn't even see which one was more true. They all were correct after all, to some degree, but the true, underlying cause? He had no idea. He just woke up, feeling like he'd rather not deal with anything at all, and it took all the energy he had to go about his day. Nothing was fun or worth the effort, and pretending to be happy when just standing upright was a chore seemed utterly pointless.
Maybe there was no reason at all. But at least this one tasted more true today. And it was something that bugged him. So.
The attention he was given was unnerving. But somehow, it was gratifying too. To have someone's undivided attention... Oh, he probably had it elsewhere too, in his sister and.. ugh, others (no names mentioned, he didn't even want to think them) but somehow, this was different.
Did he want the advice though? Korbin chewed on that. Hesitated, unsure if he would mean it, if he said yes. He let Amun spell his way through his own story first, and the raven tried to return the favor and listen with the same attentiveness as he had been offered. It was difficult not to draw parallells and compare to his own life.
It was also very difficult to hold back the comments that immediately sprung to mind. Korbin bit his lip, considered.
"I'd welcome your thoughts... Can't swear I'll actually follow the advice, but I'll listen. Do you want mine?"
A fair exchange; thought for a thought. It was more than he'd offered most people.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
Nodding, Amun once again held up his hand. Yes. Meeting Korbin's gaze, the potter pressed his lips together as he considered what to say.
Finally, he sighed. The words began crawling across his palm at an incredibly slow and halting pace again. World's moving on, no matter what you do, how much you fight, how angry you get. Things change. People change. They don't care how much it bothers you. Don't care how much you rage against it. Don't care at all about you at all, really. He paused to let that sink in.
Would you rather live a life alone, angry and bitter, because you refused to change with it, or would you rather just accept that not everything's within your control, and focus on the things you can control? All the while the statements formed and dissolved, he kept his expression impassive.
Then, another thought occurred to him. And trying to 'keep Weaver safe' by keeping her in a bubble will just drive her away and make her hate you. He shrugged, pretty sure on that point.
He very much wanted to just close his eyes and sigh at what Amun went on to say. Or write. Sign whatever one called it. The words were almost the same as Sunjata had offered, and Weaver, and Loren. Founts of wisdom one and all.
Though they always failed to offer how he was to accept it. "When you put it like that, the right answer is obvious," he said hoarsely. "I just don't see how I'm supposed to do that. I can't even control my own emotions, let alone accept them. How am I to accept the whole world when I'm like this?" Case in point; already he was arguing the advice, unable to just take them at face value. It didn't help that Amun was right, about all of it. Especially Weaver. Her patience with him would not last forever.
Drawing in a deep breath, Korbin dragged a hand through the hair, mussing the tangled strands even further. Shifting his thoughts away from himself was not easy; he kept thinking that Amun's problem was the same yet opposite from his.
"Have you considered that perhaps you don't have to move on at the same pace as the rest of the world? If you are still grieving, then you are in your full right to do so. No one else get to say if it's too fast or not fast enough; you feel what you feel, and there's no right or wrong way to do it. "
He paused, mulling over what Amun had told him.
"As for not knowing how she died... I am sure there are ways to find out. Have you talked to the one who posted that note? Maybe they know more, or can point you to someone who does." It didn't seem like a difficult problem to solve, though Korbin could understand if it was painful or hard to deal with.
The loneliness though... he sighed quietly. This was where he should offer up himself, extend a hand, say 'you're not alone!' and all that. But it would be a stupid thing to do. In no time the Tundra would be impassable, and Korbin would be stuck in Halo for the whole of Deepfrost. Even if he was inclined to do the friendship thing, it was pointless to offer when he couldn't follow through with it.
Besides. He could not replace that girl anyway. Some voids would never be filled.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
Amun's response to Korbin was immediate, and might be more than a bit surprising. Art. Shrugging, the potter added, Channel emotions into work.
Nodding at the hunter's words, the Ascended's jaw tightened. Others don't agree. Indeed, he'd already been shown by Sunjata and told by Bastien and Wessex that Amun's long mourning was apparently unacceptable.
Chuckling bitterly, he shook his head. Delphia doesn't like me. Rolling his eyes, he gave the other man a pointed look. Daughter of Mort. Not a fan of the Ascended. The potter's expression had grown bitter and maybe a bit cruel, but she had threatened to sic her father on him.
Korbin huffed a dark laugh. Perfect. What better time for everyone to encourage him to do art, just when he couldn't. Work was fine, he could drown himself in that all day long, and it worked well enough... until people came to interrupt. Then it was all undone.
"Here's to hoping curses won't last forever then," he grumbled. But he didn't object to the idea itself; it wasn't the first person who'd said the same, and evidence was starting to pile up against him.
"So?" he pushed gently, when Amun discarded his idea. "Is she the only one who knew anything? I saw a whole list of other names on that same note, is there no one among them who might know something? There are other Notice Boards too, have you checked any of them for clues?" It seemed a bit hasty to give up the search after just one person. If it meant that much to know, then a few pig-headed people should be no great hurdle.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
Shrugging, Amun held up his hand briefly. They don't. Granted, his expression was hardly encouraging, but maybe the words would give Korbin some hope.
As the hunter offered suggestions, the potter just shook his head sadly. People already telling me to move on. Pausing to let that sink in, he gave the other man a bitter look. And others have moved on. Can't imagine they'd appreciate dredging up something that's already the distant past to them, even if it was this season. His jaw feathered with tension, and his hand closed into a fist, blocking the words and just leaving the soft glow from his square.
It did. The expression on his face was a study in conflicting emotions. Painful hope warring with doubt and despair, despite his attempts to remain neutral, made for a very awkward look indeed. But he nodded, again managing not to argue.
At least not on his own problems. He did let himself get worked up on Amun's behalf though, and whether that was a step in the right direction or not was difficult to say. "Again, so what?" he repeated and sat up straight. "Fuck everyone else. If you need answers to get some closure, then go ahead and make them uncomfortable. If they have really moved on so quickly then it shouldn't be a problem for them to talk about her, and if they haven't, then they should understand where you're coming from. If they won't help because you ask nicely, then go ahead and be a pain until they answer just to make you go away. If it's important, don't stop until you get what you need."
Korbin didn't have any real excuses for being a pain in people's asses, but if ever he heard a legitimate reason for being one, Amun had it. The not knowing was something he could relate to very well, as it was still gnawing at him and his sister when it came to their mother. Straia had simply disappeared; they didn't even know for sure that she was really dead, even if it seemed most likely. Yet Korbin still woke from nightmares where his mom lived as a cannibal in Whitebrim, mad and without memory of her children.
Surely, any circumstance around a death would be better than imagining things like that.
"I know people who knew your Maea," he said. "My sister is one. I can ask her, if she knows anything more. If you want me to."
Even if Deepfrost overtook them before he could manage that, Korbin might still be able to send a letter back. It was a slim chance, but at least something.
We don't have to smile We don't have to make friends
Amun just raised his eyebrows at Korbin's words. For a moment the potter looked like his old self as he considered the idea. Then he sighed and shrugged. Holding up a hand, the words formed slowly on his palm. They'll just say I'm wallowing. Again, his feature tightened, and he looked away from the hunter as the Ascended gritted his teeth.
However, his eyes snapped back towards the other man. There was nothing hesitant about Amun's response this time. Thank you. I'd like that. Giving Korbin a grateful grin, the potter did his best to keep the hope from his eyes. After all, he knew better than to expept kindness from strangers or from Caido.
