It was hard to remember that I wasn't the only one going through a struggle, that I wasn't the first person on this world to have something tragic happen to him, and that like most injuries, time would heal. Good humour and living in the moment were not necessarily the best ways to cope, but if they let me survive, let me get to a point where one day I felt stable and genuinely alright again, I would do my best to embrace them.
But to live in the moment, one had to acknowledge the past, to remember it, to process it. My past was filled mostly with joy, with an easy happiness in a scientific career and healthy, stable friendships. This was the first major traumatic experience I had ever endured, and I felt foolish for how easily it almost brought me down. A deep purr vibrates through my throat and chest as she returns the gesture to my nose, a goofy feline 'grin' curving my lips, most definitely a Very Human expression forced onto a leopard's face.
The weight of her honesty, the gratitude, the pleasure, is a curious, and welcome, experience. I had no idea where we were up to in our 'training', but I know I had certainly learned a lot - about myself, about this attuned form, and the empathic and telepathic abilities it gave us. I push back my own gratitude, letting it fill me up, letting it overtake the weight of the sorrow, the heartache - those were still there, to be sure, but they were not the dominant emotion. In this moment, I felt grateful, and… affectionate (the mild way of describing that particular emotion).
I was a bit embarrassed when the emotion leaked out, the attraction, the hints of desire, and immediately I reined them all back in, a note of apology being sent before I emotionally retreated back into myself. I lifted myself a bit away from her, afraid I may have caused offence, or awkwardness. 'Fucking emotions,' I offer with what I hope is light-hearted humour. 'This empathic link is unlike anything I've ever experienced,' I try to explain, shaking my head in what was again a Very Human gesture. 'You know how I said humans were harder to diagnose because they often let that pride thing get in the way?'
I sit beside her, tail twitching, wondering what she would have to say for my slip up - I hoped, I prayed (though to who was questionable), that she wouldn't think me a creep, that she wouldn't turn away from me, that she would hear me out, and forgive me if I had caused her offence, or embarrassment, for not being able to keep my growing attraction to her controlled during a time where we were meant to be 'training'.
But to live in the moment, one had to acknowledge the past, to remember it, to process it. My past was filled mostly with joy, with an easy happiness in a scientific career and healthy, stable friendships. This was the first major traumatic experience I had ever endured, and I felt foolish for how easily it almost brought me down. A deep purr vibrates through my throat and chest as she returns the gesture to my nose, a goofy feline 'grin' curving my lips, most definitely a Very Human expression forced onto a leopard's face.
The weight of her honesty, the gratitude, the pleasure, is a curious, and welcome, experience. I had no idea where we were up to in our 'training', but I know I had certainly learned a lot - about myself, about this attuned form, and the empathic and telepathic abilities it gave us. I push back my own gratitude, letting it fill me up, letting it overtake the weight of the sorrow, the heartache - those were still there, to be sure, but they were not the dominant emotion. In this moment, I felt grateful, and… affectionate (the mild way of describing that particular emotion).
I was a bit embarrassed when the emotion leaked out, the attraction, the hints of desire, and immediately I reined them all back in, a note of apology being sent before I emotionally retreated back into myself. I lifted myself a bit away from her, afraid I may have caused offence, or awkwardness. 'Fucking emotions,' I offer with what I hope is light-hearted humour. 'This empathic link is unlike anything I've ever experienced,' I try to explain, shaking my head in what was again a Very Human gesture. 'You know how I said humans were harder to diagnose because they often let that pride thing get in the way?'
I sit beside her, tail twitching, wondering what she would have to say for my slip up - I hoped, I prayed (though to who was questionable), that she wouldn't think me a creep, that she wouldn't turn away from me, that she would hear me out, and forgive me if I had caused her offence, or embarrassment, for not being able to keep my growing attraction to her controlled during a time where we were meant to be 'training'.
Chulane
fridooh & whimzi @ deviantart
